How do other solo parents manage it?

[Iristhebutterfly]

2 young children, one starting school this Sept, other will still be in nursery. I am now a single parent and their father has no current direct contact due to safeguarding concerns (still going through court). Father is paying a tiny amount of CMS, around half what he should be, and am taking it to tribunal but even if I start getting the right amount it won't cover much. He was meant to be doing nursery/school drop offs and one full day a week childcare. I am in a professional job and work 3 long days a week (it isn't possible to reduce the length of my working days unless I went to half days as it is sessional so I currently do 2 sessions on my work days). I currently have to pay for an early drop off at nursery for 730am, and a student nanny to pick them up from nursery and do dinner/bedtime as I don't get back until after they are in bed. This costs 15k total a year out of my takehome even with the 30h funding and tax free childcare. When the eldest starts school I don't think it will go down at all as I will need to find someone to take her for 13h a day during school holidays. Plus all the wraparound school care.

This is absolutely crippling and I can barely afford to survive, even though I technically would be considered to be on a decent salary. The kids don't do any clubs and I can't afford to take them on holiday, and I can rarely afford a babysitter to be able to go out myself.

I looked into getting an aupair but it looks like that would end up being a similar if not slightly more cost now that they get minimum wage for all hours worked (and i assume couldn't use the tax free childcare to pay them).

I am exhausted with the logistics of it all trying to find back ups for when the student nanny is away, and being unreliable if the kids are unwell or nursery send them home. I have no regular help from family and am not entitled to UC etc.

Is there anything I haven't thought of that would be a better option? How does anyone else manage? Thanks.

I’m sorry, I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I’ve been there and know how hard you are working. It will get better but the years when you’re paying childcare are awful and the unfairness of managing alone can grind you down.
One day, your kids will be able to articulate what a great Mum you are and you’ll have two best friends for life- you’ll have done that all yourself.

What job do you do? Is there absolutely no way you can go to 5 days but shorter hours? Honestly as a lone parent of 3 - ex husband left when twins were babies - I couldn’t do compressed hours as childcare was impossible and extortionate

Have you looked at entitled to and claiming for all you can

if on uc they will pay 85% of ofsted registered childcare up to a certain amount

Yes I'm not entitled to anything unfortunately other than some child benefit, that's the issue. My salary has to cover 2 entire lots of childcare for 3d a week with wraparound care on top.

If I went to 5 half days it would be 5 sessions so a reduction vs what I am working now. Plus I would likely still need before school care to be in by 8am and I would then have 5d nursery fees which would work out more than 3 full days. I need to ideally be taking on more work too to try and take on the mortgage and not lose the house but the additional childcare cost of working a 4th day means I would be £60 worse off a month working 4 days vs 3. It is madness how there isn't more support.

You have to find a different job with better hours 🤷‍♀️

I stayed in a 9-5 job for a long time as it worked for childcare. If you took a pay cut would then be eligible for more financial support?

Do you have no family support?

I can't do a different job, it took me 10 years of training and exams to qualify in what I do, so any other job would be a big pay cut, when I actually need a pay increase otherwise am going to lose the house which would be even worse for the children's stability. I would almost be better off going into rental and going on benefits, which is so mad when I want to work and am highly skilled.

Could you be self employed?

Salaried or locum? Is there any possibility of doing least some sessions via phone? Can you do any OOH over the weekend as there tends to be more availability.
similar situation with 1 not 2 but family help (financial and practical). I’m impressed you found a student nanny.

It's tough isn't it, even if you have some help. The normal work hours just don't fit with being a solo parent.

Thanks, yes am looking at OOH work at weekends in addition, though by the time I have paid for a babysitter, plus the tax/NI, and losing child benefit as would go over threshold, it really isn't much per hour. I'm trying to look for anything I could do remotely in evenings.

Currently 6 sessions salaried and don't want to drop this as I need the income/continuity and there isn't much locum work in my area currently.

I'm also looking into getting an au pair, which would hopefully take some of the stress off if I found the right one, and be slightly cheaper than my current set up.

If you have any success with the au pair, I would love to know how you manage it. I need to be at distant work 0730 so breakfast club in no way helpful.
My daughter is going to school, but wrap around for my 3 full days is 0630-7pm so I am negotiating hours with a nanny.

Some cm will do earlier starts for a higher hourly fee

or is there a friend she could stay over one school night and mum take both to school

Huge sympathy @Iristhebutterfly . Been where you are and it is not an enticing prospect. ex-H was an arsehole but he was PAYE which meant he couldn't weasel out of paying his due.

I barely broke even for years, but it did mean that I was getting pension contributions, private healthcare and keeping my foot on the ladder. I do wonder sometimes if it was worth it and if I wouldn't have been better off not working or doing something lower paid in school hours, paying less childcare and getting working tax credits (as they were then).

I wonder if once your two are both at school, an aupair to cover before and after school pick ups could work out cheaper. You could probably flex the hours and while the holidays would be more expensive, the school weeks might work out cheaper. Childminders could also be more cost effective, but they don't always have the flexibility to mix up the hours, depending on whether it is term time or holidays.

I find it hard to believe in this day and age with so many single parents, it is still all the same sorry mess it was when I was trying to do it 25 years ago! If anything, because of the change in au-pair legislation it has got harder.

Thanks so much. Yes things don't seem to have changed over the decades and Mums are still left juggling and paying for it all. I definitely want to maintain my career and also keep up the pension contributions. I am looking into an au pair from Sept to do drop offs/pick ups for me and it would be better for the kids to have continuity.