Need some perspective on my nanny's behaviour - rant warning

[Kitsilano]

My nanny works for me 2 days a week - Thurs and Friday and for my friend Mon and Tues. On Mon she texted my friend to say she wasn't coming in because she had to sort out a "personal problem". On Tues she texted again to say she wouldn't be in that week or next because of the "personal problem".

I was concerned and also wanted to confirm that she wouldn't be coming to me this week either so I texted her and called her several times and left a message without any response.

I was becoming quite worried as she has no family in the UK and is single and has had health problems in the past - I thought something dreaful might have happened to her or her family.

Today she texted me and said she is fine - just "confused" and she needs to be on her own. Shel will let me know at 8pm tonight whether she will be in tomorrow.

I am fuming. I've been so worried and 8pm the night before is too late to arrange alternative childcare.

What would you do if you were me?

Sack her. But there are probably legal implications.

I think I'd wait until 8pm and have a good chat with her to get the full story.
It could still be something quite serious that she is dealing with.

Put alternative child care arrangements in place in case she cant do it.

If it does turn out to be something silly then let rip later!

Oh, a difficult one. Do you think she wants to leave but daren't say and is hoping you will sack her. Can you go round to her house?

I really didn't think she wants to leave (although now I am not sure of anything). She seems happy with us and we have always got on very well and we are very generous towards her. She is always saying how lovely the kids are and it has always been a very good relationship. She has been unhappy in her perosnal life though and she had a bit of a wobble when she split up with boyfriend a while back and did leave us in the lurch for a day or two but I was understanding about it.

In this case I just can't think what could justify this seemingly cavilier attitude other than death of a family member, illness or being arrested.

Unless she has mental health issues - in which case do I really want her looking after my kids?

Completely unacceptable...........call her to a meeting. Explain that you need to discuss her absence.

What does you contract say about disciplinary procedure ?

i am a nanny, and have had a truly horrendous year (dh left and got another woman pregnant etc etc,i have had severe depression, suicidal) and i would never treat my employers like this.
And to let them know at 8pm whether she can come in or not is appauling.

Sack her.

allgonebellyup - I'm sorry that sounds so awful.

I am so disappointed in her.

gen i will give someone the benifit of the doubt till we know the full story BUT if someone had died etc, you think the nanny would have said that

CONFUSED and wants to be on own - makes me think she is having mental problems, and tbh you are prob better looking for a new nanny

you need someone who is going to be reliable

maybe your friend and you could help each other out, ie, you have her children mon&tue and her have yours thur&fri till you sort out childcare

I would call DH, and tell him I'm taking Thrusday off and he needs to take Friday off. When nanny calls at 8:00 I'd tell her she is on sick pay as she is unfit for work. I'll tell her to take ccare of herslef, and I'd say I wanted to have a meeting next week Mon or Tues.

Swap with friend is a good idea for next week in case you both need cover.

Last but not least, I'd be mighty pissed off about it.

Spoke to her last night and she sounded very distressed but wont tell me what is wrong. Says she has found something out about her ex-boyfriend.

She says it's not that she doesn't want to work for us.

I am very worried for her now. I feel like she is very alone here and feel responsible - but what can I do to help?

She hasn't turned up to work this morning and isn't answering her phone. Stupidly I don't have her new address as she has moved recently so I can't even go round.

This is sad, but not your responsibility. You have offered to help. It is up to her to accept or refuse.

But, your first responsibility is of course your children. And she does (sadly) sound as though she is not fit for work. I'd ask her to get a note from the doctor saying she is unfit to work. Then I;d offer her sick pay (or SSP, whatever is in your contract).

I would not put my work life on hold while she decides whether or not she feels like showing up to work. If I could not afford to pay two sets of childcare to go to work, then I'd put her on SSP.

How long has she worked for you?

unless her boyfriend is dying/very ill then she needs to pull herself together

assume she hasnt just been dumped? which is heart breaking, but she is not acting professionally imo

not being heartless, but she has got a job and needs to fufill her responsibities to you as your employee

you have offered help and she wont say what is wrong and at the moment you are on tenterhooks of not knowing what is happeneing

you have to think of yourself and your children, you need to sit down and have a chat and find out wehn or if she is ever coming back

I'm with Athene.

Frankly, you need more details. She needs to understand that, whilst sympathetic to her distress, you need more information on her fitness to work asap. She isn't behaving very professionally. And even if she has a mental health issue, it doesn't necessarily mean she's unfit to work with children.

plus its a bit hard for you to be sympathetic, if you dont know what the problem is

I can understand why you're cross but I think I'd wait until I'd heard the full story before deciding to sack her.

For all you know she might have found out something that has absolutely devastated her - a death/pregnancy/illness or whatever, and, as I'm guessing she's quite young, this might have bowled her over and rightly or wrongly it will have eclipsed her concerns about work.

Talk to her before making any decisions.

She came round today and was in a dreadful state. She is depressed and is feeling suicidal. I called Samaritans and got her to talk to them while I called a psychiatrist. Managed to get her an immediate appointment and drove her there. He says she is severely depressed, at risk of harming herself and if she had private insurance he would admit her.

He has given her prescription for sleeping pills and anti-despressants and says she should stay with us. I tried to get her to but she wont, she says maybe she'll come to stay tomorrow.

I am so worried. No longer angry at all but I don't know where to go from here. My DD1 is upset because she doesn't know what is going on.

She has worked for us for 2 years. I don't know what to do.

so what did she find out about her ex boyfriend?

its good she saw a doctor BUT she is not your responsibilty and think it was wrong for the doctor to say she needs to come home with you

if she has been your nanny for 2 years, have you not met any of her friends/family, that you could call and get them to see her?

is it worth calling her references/agency if she came from one and see if they can shed any light on her behaviour? Or again to see if they know of anyone who can be with her?

What is your friend who employs her mon/tue doing? Can she shed any light/help?

OMG. She should not come stay with you. She should go to her NHS GP and get referred/admitted/something. This is so not good for your children. How confused to you want them to be?

What you did for her today was very nice. I would offer to be her friend. I would not present her in this state to my children.

So if she had private insurance, but since she doesn't, you can take on her care. Are you a psychiatrist? Are you somehow qualified to personally provide her care? I think the NHS is the place for her.

I do feel for her. She obviously needs help. But, please, please, not at the cost of your children's welfare.

Apparently she started seeing her ex again and then found out he was with someone else the whole time. So upsetting but not enough to cause her state.

Her family are not in this country and I don't have their contact details. She didn't come through an agency. I'm not sure I even have the details of her references any more.

I'm no psychiatrist but couldn't live with myself if I abandoned her and she killed herself.

Nightmare.

This girl needs professional help that you are not qualified to provide. I was in this situation once with a girl who had broken up with a friend of mine from highschool. I was at auni at the time. She came to live with me. One night I was in the living room,, and she was back in the bedroom (it was a one bedroom apartment). I got a phone call from someone saying my new roommate had taken an overdose. I was in the next room, I didn't even notice. I checked the medicine cabinet and she had emtied every Tylenol bottle and anything else she found in there. I called an ambulance and spent the night in the Psych ward. I saw some pretty scary stuff that night. While I appreciate you are trying to help your nanny, I really think she needs something more than you can realistically provide.

Maybe you could call your GP and see if he/she could advise where she might go for help? If that fails, perhas your HV? If that fails, perhaps NHSdirect?

Definitely speak to other family. Maybe they can help.

oh dear poor her BUT there are worse things that happen

Im sorry if that sounds heartless, she really does need professional help and as athena said, you are not qualified to help her, and you do have to do what is best for your children.

There must be some friends of hers you can call, who did she see/play with when with your/your friends children?

I really hope she finds some help through her doctor etc

I know I must think of my children and I am not qualified to help. I have been in contact with another nanny friend of hers but she can't shed much light. The other family is a friend of mine - she has only worked there for a few months so don't know any more than I do.

I will just keep calling to check that she is OK I guess. The Dr we saw today gave us his mobile number and said we could call it any time.

My mind is racing ahead - will she ever be well enough that I will feel confident to leave my children with her? It's not a big issue at the moment as I am on mat leave (we kept her on for continuity and to give me a bit of a break) but I was planning to go back to work soon. But if she loses her job as well as everything else...

I am sorry, I used to be a nanny so canm see both sides, but you have to put your children first and even if she did come back to work, how can you trust her again?

I would pay her notice, offer any support you want too, but look for another nanny.