Can you help me figure this one out please?

[scotsmummy]

Slightly long, bear with me..

I nanny for a little boy (2) for part of the week. My friend, also a nanny looks after an older boy (3).

Recently we (me and my charge) have been spending quite a lot of time over at the house where my friend works, at her employers invitation. Her employer only works part time, and enjoys the company, plus her little boy and my charge get on really well.

We've been there frequently for mealtimes.

Only problem is that my friend's charge is going through a bit of a tricky mealtime stage - dropping food on the floor, demanding dessert before eating dinner, etc. My charge is at that age where he copies things he sees, and has been picking up on a few of these things to the point where my employer asked me to stop taking him to this other house for meals for a while. Not at all, just for meals for a while.

This is where its got tricky. I discussed this with my friend, who told her employer, who got upset and banned us from coming over or seeing her son at all. Obviously my charge doesn't understand why he doesn't see his friend any more, and my employer is not best pleased either.

So. Who is in the wrong here? My employer for asking me not to take my charge to the other house for meals? Me for discussing it in detail with my nanny friend? My nanny friend for telling her employer? Or her employer for getting upset?

And what do I do now??

well i think the blame lies with the other nanny's boss - she is being very silly and mean - so now her child [and your charge] is missing out on the company of his friend [as are you]

So do I just accept this, maybe its a good thing not to see them if my friends employer is like this?

Or do I try and fix it? And if so, how?

I think the other nanny was silly to tell her boss what your boss had said.

Yes so do I..

I can see why your employer isn't pleased, if I had a private conversation with my nanny about my child that ended up being repeated to another mum I wouldn't be happy either.

Mind you I suppose it was reasonable of you to discuss your concerns with your friend, but it wasn't fair of her to tell her boss and most unreasonable of the boss to over react.

If it were my child with the bad table manners I'd like to think I'd take it on the chin.

So how's about now, speaking to your boss and saying that you gave your friend an explanation not realising that she would feel the need to disclose the details to her mb. With a wee apology (even though I don't think you're in the wrong entirely).

Then have a word with your friend and explain that you understand that her mb is quite upset but that it wasn't said in malice and you were only acting under your own boss, ie doing what you were told?

I dunno, it's a tricky one.

My employer is fine with me, shes been pretty understanding about my part in it. Its the situation of teh kids not seeing each other she's p'd off about and wants fixed.

Have had a word with my friend, she wants to leave it alone. Apparently her boss is pretty upset about this and my friend doesn't want to make it worse!

I'm trying very hard to be neutral here, so as to get a bit of insight into how this might seem from other points of view but its hard because I think my friends boss is behaving pretty weirdly.

scotsmummy, I think there is some rather precious behaviour on the part of both employers. Your employer for thinking that she should try to shield her son from bad behaviour which is just a normal developmental phase (what will happen when your charge goes to school and birthday parties?). Your friend's employer for taking offence and (I assume) the unnecessary view that her son is being judged.

If your employer asked you to not go for mealtimes, she should not complain if your friend's employer then went on to impose a complete ban. Isn't it just more of the same tactics?

What to do now? Sadly, you, your friend and both your charges are caught in between.

Just ride it out. Find other activities. Hopefully one of them will relent at some point.

I think my friend decided to mention it as a roundabout way of raising her concerns about her charges table manners, which she felt her employer wasn't dealing with. I know, I know..

ooooh, touchy. Nanny trying to tell boss how to parent - justified sometimes but very very tricky. Your friend should just be glad that her mb found a scapegoat in your employer!

Having had a fussy eater in dd myself who at 3 years' old would probably not even have sat in her seat for a meal, if she would eat at all (she is fine at 4.8 with no particular sanctions or encouragement on our part), I don't think you really need to DO very much beyond modelling the desired behaviour and dropping a few reminders or two. It is a phase - it is about control at this age.

But I am going off the subject ...

i dont understand why your friend told her mb that you werent allowed to stay for meals - nothing was needed to be said imo and she has just stirred up trouble

no mum really likes being told that their darling D/S is not 100% perfect, and at 3, the child should be able to eat nicely and not demand stuff - obviously his demands are being met or it was would fizzle out

i do think that your mb scottsmummy did over react a bit, as others have said, you cant always ban/take away children from situations

your friend really needs to talk to her mb and say that the 3yr is missing his friend, or maybe meet up at a park/soft play area, and then mention in evening that you bumped into them there, and both had such a nice time playing, and take the situation from there