Ap's family staying near here on holiday - have I done enough to be welcoming yet?

[Simply]

Am typing 1 handed so please bear with me.

Ap is staying with one family member & that lady's partner near our home this week. Initially ap stated (not asked) that they would stay here. I said I wouldn't be comfortable with people here incl overnight with the (my) children here also. With lots of help from us, she booked accomm locally. Ap doesn't often ask, she states, so she stated that she would bring them here to see her room. I think that's a bit much but just asked her to check with me first so that I'm here and it is convenient (it would probably be timed just before a mealtime and she'd want a lift back, though it is just a short bus ride away and they'll buy a weekly ticket. I'll try to stand firm, though). She has her key as I thought she might need something (she is staying with them) so she could bring them here without me knowing if she wanted to. She took about 3 carrier bags full of shopping (about £30 - £40 worth) which I offered to, and did, pay for in the supermarket yest. I'm sure she didn't say thank you, either! She had kept saying "I won't buy this as I can take the one already at home" i.e. bought by me, anyway and I'd agreed when she suggested that she could take some teabags fom home, and it just grew and grew. I had thought to invite them for a meal but I'm temporarily down to 1 hand and dh has a really busy work week this week and, of course, our ap has the week off so no help from her this week.

Do I need to do more? Btw, she is going home next month and I feel she has been really lucky to be here with us & when she is older she may finally start to realise this (long story but basically takes us for granted). What do you think? She is sufficiently well off from her wages to buy things herself btw. Oh, and there was going to be two other sets of family members coming but luckily they are not now. There was definitely an expectation of accomm for them, too.

No you do not need to do more, and quite frankly she is taking advantage of you.

Thanks for your post. Yes, I agree but she is not an easy person and I can't bear conflict esp not in my home. We did really need her at the beginning so felt it was either keep her on or I'd need to resign from my p-t job. I'm using an agency for the next one and have set out my requirements very clearly in advance, so I've learnt my lesson. I should have had a review period agreed with her.

I also forgot to say that dh took her to the accomm to take her stuff and put the food in the fridge. He then took her to the train station to meet them and take them to the accomm, so we did that too.

You have by far exceeded what she should have expected from you- but for your own sanity-please don't do any more at all.

And you only have a month to go

I think I would have allowed her to have her family visit her room with no restriction. If it was conflicting with a mealtime, then I wouldn't have offered a lift though.

I think you've been very good about the shopping.

Is this time being taken as holiday? Paid or unpaid?

Where did she expect you to house 4 extra people? You must have a huge house!

My ap had her boyfriend to stay for 5 nights. I also let her parents stay for part of the time as I was going away anyway. However, my ap was very grateful for this, so it felt fine.

Perhaps you could arrange to go out with them for a meal, and just hope they don't expect you to foot the bill!

Thanks for your replies.

ShinyPinkShoes - I'll try!

sophiewd -

laura - I think what I felt about her room was, when I first showed ap her room, she didn't say anything positive about it at all and I'd worked hard to make it really nice. The soft furnishings were fresh and clean (I like Laura Ashley stuff so maybe a bit boring and flowery) but she showed no appreciation either then or since.

It's her second unpaid holiday since being with us. She went to visit a friend abroad previosly and we were very flexible about her dates, helped her with planning and booking her travel - paying with our visa and her paying us back each week until all paid for etc). I think she asked within 48 hrs of arriving, which was fine with me as then I didn't feel bad about explaining that we'd already, months before, booked a hol abroad an couldn't take her. She stayed here and housesat and got paid as normal. We took her on hols with us recently to see family and paid her half as she did half her hours before we went mid-week. I don't think she thanked mil for giving up her bedroom and inviting her (our ap) to come with us, either.

We have a 4 bedroomed detached house. She thought she'd "sleep on a mattress somewhere" and they would use her (double bedded, large) room. There would have beemn 2 bathrooms plus a cloakroom for 5 adults and 2 teenagers. Ok for having family for a few days but not 2 complete strangers for a week!

That's the thing, isn't it - gratitude? When we take her out for a meal she eats a good 2 course meal costing £15 - £20, has previously complained about the portion size and only sometimes says thankyou. I don't feel like treating her, then. Plus she doesn't lift a finger on w/es, just lies on the sofa until we call her to the table. I don't understand it, myself.

Thanks again for all the posts.

I forgot the last bit of your post laura. If we went out with them for a meal, I can guarantee that ap would expect us to pay. Her family are not well off so I don't think they can easily afford UK prices.

Yes, the gratitude makes all the difference. My ap's parents and bf travelled across together. The parents stayed in a b&b until we had gone away. They arrived with 6 bottles of wine, bottle of aperitif, chocolates, French food, presents for the DS's.... It almost felt like having family to stay. Any less than this, and I'd have been peeved at all the effort I went to for them - meals, bought them a map, listed places to go, let the ap's dad use my computer...

Re w/e's - I really liked somebodys post recently that ap's are part of the family, and should do family tasks all week, not just on working days. So if the lounge needs hoovering, dishwasher emptying etc, they muck in. I have to say that although our ap had an easy ride in many respects - no childcare, nowhere near 25 hours work, stayed in bed until after 9am every day.... she always helped at weekends with tidying the kitchen, unloading dishwasher etc. Not to the same level as during the week, but I really appreciated it.

Hi All...
Simply you've done more than enough. I think the best thing to do now is basically ignore her and let her sort out her own holiday. She's not a child and she's also not your child so she'll have to sort herself out.
(and I mean that in a nice way to you)
How long has she been with you?
TBH I think most of the lovely ladies I've met on here have done far too much for their AP's and we should all be asking what the AP can do for us etc etc.
My AP has gone home for a week this week, was really inconvenient but she went ahead and booked it without talking to me first. Anyway she sent me an email yesterday saying 1/ her bank account isn't working! (don't know what thats got to do wth me I pay her cash!)
and 2/ she's booked a flght that arrives at Stansted at 10pm which is 3 hours away from me!!!!
Am ignoring the email at the mo

Simply - I'd say you've done more than enough. The thing is you probably wouldn't feel peeved doing any of those things if she had shown some gratitude, as you say.

Ingles - As she's only gone for a week surely she doesn't have much stuff? She can catch the coach in to central London and then the train down from there??? I only offer Stansted lifts at the beginning/end of stay or if it happens to coincide with a trip to my family (they live north of stansted). Think that's pretty fair really. Gatwick I don't mind as that's not so far and a PIA on public transport.

Hi Weegle How are you?
Have you got another AP now?
You'd think she hasn't got much stuff but she's taken an enormous suitcase full!
Quite how she thinks I'm going to be able to work, look after the dc's AND drive to Stansted for 10pm (with the dc's) and not get home till 1 or 2 am I haven't a clue!
Have just sent her an email saying so and that I expect her to get herself here and back at work for 9am the next morning.
God when did I get soooo HARD!

Simply...I could be wrong, but did you not want family to visit room because you think AP thinks it's not good enough? I think her family would probably disagree with her don't you?

New one starts in July - about a month left to go without! Fair enough about telling her to make her own way back - I think it's crazy expecting you to be a taxi service full stop, let alone at that time of night!

ingles2 She has been here since Dec and, yes, I must let her sort things for herslf. I do things like anticipate when she might want to be paid in cash and get it out ready etc. Your ap was being very inconsiderate, booking to go away without asking you first. I'm sure ap's family would think the room is lovely, I hadn't thought of that. I was a bit miffed perhaps that she didn't say, I want my family to meet you and the children - she only mentioned the room.

I think this is very common ap sort of behaviour. With the next one, apart from setting out the tasks, you should talk on the phone before she comes about how she is coming to do a job , ie not to have some sort of student holiday, and that you are expecting her to make your life easier, not to be a burden. I recommend specifically pointing out that you do not want an extra child, but you are employing her as an adult and expecting her to be mature and responsible and respectful of you and others in the house.

I am doing this at the moment with next ap as current ap is totally annoying - getting up at 1pm at the w'end then standing in the kitchen waiting for me to finish cooking lunch so she can eat it. I think you should say that in addition to the specified hours and tasks that are her job (not annoying time wasting that you as tyrant are foisting on her), she must do 25% of the household general taks - cooking, tidying, cleaning etc, and point out that this is generous of you, as she represents 33% of the adults in the house. I have also said specifically to all aps that house guests are not allowed. None have appeared at all surprised and certainly not offended. I don't mind people dropping around, though specifically prohibit people other than massively annoying best friend being entertained here in the evening, whether we are here or not (annoying if we're here, and worrying if we're out/away).

Simply - I too would have been offended if she hadn't said she wanted her family to meet you and the children, so totally understand. I really think you've done enough especially considering you are presumably without help this week and therefore more busy?

It's hard with AP's because if you get a good one you don't need to point out that they should pull their weight at all times, respect it is your home etc, because they will do that as a matter of course and by pointing it out you might portray yourself as somewhat draconian to a good potential and put them off! I have a good feeling about our next one due to start but doesn't change the fact that due to my last experience I will be being stricter from the start.

I too would be miffed! the things is with (the majority of) Ap's (IME) the family, and dc's are way way down their list of priorities, after me, me ,me and oh ...me! And let's be honest most late teens / early 20's are like that. It's just so hard to live with when it's not your teen
Also, I reckon they should stay 6 months tops! Again it's human nature they can't help but relax into that daughter role and even the good ones get lazy.
My current wants to stay at least another year here, the way things are going she'll have to try a lot harder just to make it to Sept!

sparklysparkles Thanks for your post. I will look over a list of house rules that I wrote out some time ago. I have put the most important things in e-mails to our potential next ap. I think I'll write out a typical week's duties too and I'll send it now before she books her flight. I'm glad you don't allow house guests as I feel much less guilty now.

Weegle Yes, I'm without help this week. Unfortunately I injured my arm last week so have an arm in a sling. I'm signed off this wk as I can't work. The house is rapidly turning into a tip as normally my ap and I do almost all the housework. Tonight, though, dh and the kids can tidy and hoover the downstairs! I know what you mean by not wanting to appear draconian. it's a fine line.

inges2 I hope your ap has made her own way back and doesn't book anything again without checking with you first. Sometimes I loathe having 3 teenagers in the house with all the "Do I HAVE to?!" comments or faces. I'm loving this week, I have to say. Having the house to myself all day is bliss. I have stressed to the agency that our next ap MUST get out and about. Being home for all but about 40 minutes a day is far too much. Our next ap has (from her e-mail) taken this on board, I'm pleased to say.