Live in nanny - leaving me in the lurch a lot

[Tired2025]

Have a live in candidate that was sourced through agency. Probation period has long gone. There’s been many red flags on laziness which simply don’t have energy to go into right now.

She doesn’t have much of an outside life and works part time hours. It came about that she is on SSRI’s later down the line (that’s no issue for me, as a woman and mother I am also, many of us are, it’s a fact of life). It’s also none of my business.

But the sick days have come up again recently. 🤦‍♀️

Little one is more on the move, all be it quite an easy child. (Toddler). But you need energy to put yourself in their life. Something I have lacked this year and am dealing with some health issues myself, hence why I outsourced and sacrifice a lot for this luxury (this lady) for my LO. So LO doesn’t feel the affects of my health concerns and gets a fulfilled life (of not just me to do everything) until she goes to nursery later next yr in preparation for school age.

But this lady since joining us (single mother) has been quite cheeky and used my naivety of not fully being aware of how these things work. (She has 20yrs experience working between live in roles and nurseries etc). Knows exactly how it works.

It’s come about that she’s carefully constructed her sick days in the way in which in the past. She’s later in the day on some of those historical days (after I’ve done the whole days lionshare of childcare) to make herself available to offer to do the odd hr saying she now feels better - deeming those days as then not totally written off a sick day. I would then jump at the offer and scramble to get everything I should have got done in the time she’d been ‘off sick’ and there’s very little left for her to do and at times just watch the monitor while LO sleeps while she sits in bed watching tv.

Since this current bout of stating she wasn’t feeling well and second day of messaging she needs to take a second day off. And having to listen to her very much put on sore throat voice when she came downstairs to collect her next takeaway that was delivered. I politely messaged (as no one wants to make home life uncomfortable when it involves someone living within your home) asked if she could share how it worked in previous roles with sick days. Something I never thought I’d have to pick her up on. And tbh our draft contract states none are paid but in past I just let it slide. But with struggling with my own health, decided it about time to broach this.

Knowing from my research online yesterday that she has in effect played the sick day card to her benefit in sneaky ways so as to not officially write off a whole day as a sick day. And me not really keeping count of them and making a point of bringing to her attention before now. I feigned having little knowledge on how it would have worked or should work with these scenarios. Wanted her to spell it out basically. And she now so many months down the line has sheepishly informed me ‘oh you let the nanny pay slip company I pay to process her wage slips and help sort her NI, PAYE etc etc. Before end of every month, and they deduct it. (Great for you to share this with me now🙄).
(Which is what I figured at this point tbh, as there’s been a few times I’d managed to get 3hrs here and there historically, ad hoc outside help from someone who helped pre this lady joining us. And so historically I’ve paid her to be sick well over the usual 5 days a yr ‘some’ employers give. And doubled up by paying to out source help.

Tbh this lady I already know isn’t pulling her weight and pretty lazy in so many ways. But I’ve let it slide as didn’t have the right time to look for a replacement with lots going on. But it’s become the time to do this now and will look to do this later this yr when can.

But it’s become evident she hasn’t stayed in roles for more than 6-12 months historically. Is letting her health slide with her personal lifestyle and is and has a history of depression. And I feel these are more mental health days off in bed.

she loves my little one, but loves my funds I give her more, and uses very many chances to get them to work to her gain.

We’ve had no holidays since LO was born. She has just come off her third holiday. Had a nice lazy weekend and has left me in the lurch last minute on a Sunday for the last two days. Witnessing me struggle with my own health with little one and animals and a house to keep afloat and everything else.

I don’t know if this live in dynamic ever works?
she’s the first experience for me / us.
i ask myself if really live in works, when we know they’re lacking in fulfilling their side of the bargain and lazy when they do work and then having to deal with the awkwardness of situations like feeling your having the royal mock taken out of you when they’re ‘ill’ too many times.

i keep to my side of the bargain and the at her on time, let her choose her holiday dates. Am rlly flexible. I’m around to help a lot when she is with little one. I cook for LO as her CV unfortunately was concocted up to give the impression she was a keen cook. Which turned out to be an untruth also.

Are there amazing Nannie’s out there? Or are we all just human and there’s never any perfect nanny?

or did I just get super unlucky?

Can you go back to the agency and discuss this with them at this stage? I would seriously consider asking them to replace her for all the reasons you have listed here. She is employed by you not the other way around.

I'm not sure you have been unlucky but you seem to have employed someone who is taking advantage of you.

She doesn’t sound very good. I would give her notice and find someone else.

How old is the little one if she is verbal and you’ve got good safety systems in place?
Internal cameras for example that you have to let them know exist but I believe you don’t need to let them know the location of obviously not in the toilet or the bathroom etc
I think you could probably start to move into au pair territory which would be cheaper.
But also, it sounds as though you just need an extra pair of hands rather than quality Qualified childcare

She’s not a good nanny and not a good fit for you, but if you go down this route again you need to be much better clued up on how payroll etc really works. It’s not for her to tell you, refer to the contract and ask for help from the payroll company itself (use a dedicated nanny one, they seem to bend over backwards for employers but not so much Nannies when it comes to providing information)

she does sound lazy and the sick days are a joke but these should have been nipped in the bud.

She is entitled to take holiday as an employee though. It’s unfair of you to resent her for that.

I had a live-in nanny for years and all worked well with no such issues at all. She never ever took the piss and we got on really well and my daughter is still in touch with her many years later.

I would get rid of her!

You haven’t been managing her appropriately, so whilst you may have gotten particularly unlucky with this nanny, you’re more likely to find yourself in a similar situation with any future nanny unless you can work on that. Things like not picking her up on untruths in her CV and unfulfilled duties during the probationary period, not having a clear written schedule of her duties and your expectations, and regular check-ins to discuss performance and feedback in the initial months, allowing her to decide how a day of sickness is defined and whether or not you’re going to treat it as one - it’s just a recipe for disaster.

If you don’t feel confident enough for this sort of employer-employee relationship, might a nursery or childminder be a better fit? it isn’t entirely clear from your post whether you need a live-in position because of odd working hours or not.

You sound a bit immature in your approach to this, and like you haven't taken your employer/manager role seriously?
You had to ask your employee to tell you that you needed to contact your payroll company to sort payroll?

I agree with the previous poster's suggestion that a childminder or nursery would be better for you.

Thanks for all your feedback. And for the insult @VikaOlson @ComtesseDeSpair . But I’m dealing with some heavy life stuff right now. The loss of someone important in our life prior to this lady joining us on top of a lot of other life stress.
I perhaps didn’t verbalise my initial post well.
In the half hour I had where LO slept today with zero help since last Friday AM. But I am under immense stress right now in life and was a very laid back ‘employer’ and let things go a miss during this period. As you and may have pointed out. And now I am more aware to be a better employer with levels of expectation made very clear, not just asked politely but told.
Which believe it or not I have done as the months have gone on.
These depths of unprofessionalism go as far as breaching our privacy, discussing my LO and very important personal private family matters with others. Making use of finances incorrectly to her gain thinking I would not notice. And much more.

Perhaps before you judge others, walk a mile in their shoes. You have no idea what myself and my LO have had to contend with in life prior to this lady joining us or this year to make such harsh insults. And to be honest, I wish you never will do.

But as a result of a lot of a grievances I kept to myself to a certain extent, after trying to kindly broach her lack of duties over time, and taking advantage of my too kind approach (hoping she would act right when politely pulled up periodically on aspects of her unprofessionalism) during this time. I had been going through whilst undertaking the role as an employer (yet just grateful my LO was happy when with her).
Like I said, many I don’t want to go into further to the extent, as they are both personal and not for this domain.

We have now had a decent conversation this evening, and given the months notice.

Why did you get a live in nanny if she works part time ?

I know you have given her notice now but never nanny have live out

and surely you saw her cv ? Why hire her if jobs only lasted 6/12mths

Many Nannies in London and in other areas do live in even for part time. Think about rent in London in affluent areas. Often prospective nannies wouldn’t be able to afford to take a job if accommodation wasn’t included. I’ve seen quite a few part time positions with a room offered lately, often technically part time but early morning or night hours.

It sounds like you have given a month's notice now. For the next one do the following - no sick pay ever except SSP which currently (until next April) means no pay at all until day 4 off sick. Sick to that to the letter. that tends to get people into work who may be taking advantage - no pay concentrates the mind.

Consider if you need live in given she works part time. We always had a daily nanny (except once to cover a nanny's fairly short maternity leave we had a live in).
In general I would say get someone with experience but who is younger than you are eg in her 20s - easier to impose your own rules on someone younger.

So a part time nanny might live in one job but go to another as a live one one

how times have changed

I’m sorry that you are suffering, but honestly, very few employees of any kind would pipe up to say “you know, you don’t have to pay me for this or that sick day”

Agree 👆
Also going forward, no paid sick days for this one or the next ones.