How do you ever learn to fully trust your childminder (or nursery)?

[YetanotherNC2]

DD has recently started with a childminder and I’m just so anxious about it all.

The childminder’s reviews are really good. She has obtained outstanding with Ofsted on her last two inspections. Her previous children have stayed with her all the way up to starting school. She appears warm and dedicated. She has updated her policies for everything and has been doing it for years.

And yet… ultimately she is just a stranger? How can I ever fully trust her?

(So as not to drip feed…) Yesterday when I collected DD I immediately saw a mark/bruise on the back of her head. CM said she hadn’t seen it and that DD hadn’t been upset that day. It definitely wasn’t there when I dropped DD off in the morning. So either:

• it happened at my house and CM hadn’t seen it develop all day (not great)
• it happened at CM’s house and she didn’t see when it happened, maybe in another room (not ideal)
• it happened at CM’s house and she hasn’t told me the truth (very worrying)

I searched some previous childcare threads on here and plenty of people say ‘bruises happen,’ but I am just ruminating on it.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Today I put my little two year old in the bath and she has a red mark, a sort of line across her bottom.

I am lost as to how it’s happened. She’s been with me all day, I’ve changed her nappy but she’s in pull ups so I haven’t really looked at her bum (!) she has had a couple of tears but only when she fell at the playground or got frustrated with a toy. Baffled.

These things really do happen. To be honest I am covered in bruises and I don’t know how I got them!

It sounds like you have a nice childminder and while I don’t subscribe to the MN view that childminders are basically doing you a favour and should have slavish devotion foisted upon them, I do think accepting that children get marks and knocks and no one knows why would be a start! I adore DD, she’s been loved and cherished and looked after all day, I can only imagine how it would feel to have someone effectively question that because of something that didn’t seem to bother her.

What age is your daughter? I wouldn't expect a childminder to remain in the same room as my child for every second of the day. It will take time to build the trust, perhaps take note of this and if you continue to be uncomfortable then look for someone else.

Yes - it is worth remembering she’ll have to go to the toilet, tend to other children, prepare food!

DD is just about to turn one.

When I googled head bruises on babies yesterday it was very scary and said that they’re often a sign of abuse etc.

Thing is even if we went to a different CM or nursery, how would we ever trust them? I just don’t know what to think.

Are you thinking of moving to another childcare setting because of this? To me, that is a fairly extreme reaction - how big/severe was the mark?
Like a PP, my DDs have had marks/bruises over the years where I’ve been with them all day, and I don’t know what caused them.

She has to take a piss etc noone will have eagle eyes on their ward every second

Children are always getting marks and bruises. Sometimes these little bumps and knocks go totally unnoticed. The statistics would suggest the chances of your child being abused by the childminder are absolutely minuscule. Statistically it is far more likely to you or your partner. If you don’t trust your childminder maybe you should look for another one as it won’t work out well for you, the baby or your childminder.

We have been thought multiple childcare settings: nurseries, pre schools, nannies and a childminder (3 children over many years) and apart from one incident (something I witnessed myself without any doubt) I’ve never not trusted them.

Children get bumps and bruises. I get random bruises that I can’t remember the cause of. I, personally, wouldn’t jump to conclusions but you seem rather more anxious than other parents I know.

Gosh no I don’t think she’s being abused at all, but I just can’t work out what’s happened. And that’s adding to my already quite high anxiety levels about leaving her in general.

This is a photo of it from this morning. It was slightly pinker yesterday evening. It wasn’t there yesterday morning.

The mark suggests some kind of bump against an object that’s significant enough to have caused some crying.

I don’t know how long bruises take to develop but certainly I don’t recall any bumps or cries over the weekend. And the CM said that there was no crying or upset yesterday.

DD isn’t walking or crawling so… I just wish I could work out what has happened.

Is this normal / to be expected? I’m happy to be reassured if you all think it’s okay. DD has never had a bruise on her head for the past 12 months with me.

it’s not easy sending your firstborn into childcare! But take a deep breath and remind yourself you’ve done all the research and by the sounds of it you have found someone professional, kind and experienced. It feels weird right now because it’s new, not because it’s the wrong thing. You’ll soon build a relationship with your childminder, and so will your child. It’ll be fine, honestly.

It could have been from lying on something I think

Can lying on something cause a bruise?

I had just assumed bruises only develop from a blow or a knock of some kind? Like when I bash my thigh on the corner of the table etc. So in my head there must have been an upsetting incident for DD.

Children gets bumps and bruises, a mark like that could just be from knocking the back of her head on something.

There would be no benefit to the CM to not tell you about the mark if she'd seen it, or to lie about your baby not being upset.
If she knew about the mark she would have told you.

I'm a CM and have had parents tell me they found a mark on their baby/toddler that I didn't notice. A household with 3+ small children is busy and unless I see it happen or the child is upset at the time, I may not see it.

Head bumps on a baby are much more likely to be the result of them bumping their head than abuse.

Thank you @friskery, that does help.

I honestly don’t think anything has happened purposefully! I want to reiterate that. I am just a bit worried that DD has hurt herself accidentally and it either hasn’t been noticed or hasn’t been shared.

Honestly it seems like a pretty minor injury and will be the first of many.

The older she gets, the more minor bumps she'll get. Try to stop worrying.

This

my 18m old literally lurches into open door edges.
He has to date cut his eyebrow / eye/face open 4 times ... 2 of which I was stood directly next to him and couldn't stop him in time.
He has also split his lip 4 or 5 times now.

It is kind of alarming!l as a mum!

That said... You do seem overly anxious though...this stuff escalates as they get older.

Did you see several childminders / nurseries as I feel that gives you a change to calibrate and set your baseline for childcare...?

Is there something deeper going on - ie in an ideal world would you prefer to give up work?

As long as the childminder is female there is such a minimal risk. That's the bottom line, the sex of your childminder. Not saying that male childminders are unsafe...but there is a different risk evaluation to take place.

Honestly it sounds like you're not going to find a better childcare arrangement - one experienced woman who has been working for years without issue, and is well regarded by families and by Ofsted.
If you change to another childminder or nursery it's almost certain you baby will still end up with unexplained marks or bruises at some point.

What a ridiculous comment.