My childminer doesn't allow parents inside at settling sessions. Is this normal?

[AnnaBananamanana]

Please be gentle as I am a nerve wreck. Also please don't tell me to wait it out... It's not my thing.

Preamble - I follow in a general way something called attachment parenting - this is when you respond to your child cries to address theirs needs. My son was looked after multiple people he barely know and he was ok with them after an hour of hanging out together he is used to being away from me and my husband.

My son is meant to start at the childminders in September he'll be five days short of being 18 months. We chose this particular lady as she is very a warm person. She's like an auntie she also has a foster home so she has plenty of experience in looking after kids.

I thought that at the first settling in session she'll let me in and let him explore before I leave. This didn't happen. She picked him up at the door step and I just could hear the most heartbreaking cry I could ever heard from my son when he was inside.

I was in pieces. I still am. I have asked her whether my husband could go inside and spend there 10 minutes and help him settle. She said that her policy is that no parent is allowed inside.

So hear me out. He met her once (my baby) four months ago and I left him with her for a full hour.

I don't want to make her job harder by any means but I don't think that leaving her with a clingy toddler for an hour makes her job easy... (He was clinging to her for an hour, didn't want to play, he stopped crying after 10 minutes)

I didn't ask her about the settling in as she seemed to be very caring... My mistake.

Thoughts, suggestions?

Totally normal and it’s because it avoids a long drawn out goodbye. Child has to go in, parent has to leave, handover at the door makes that a much quicker process. Also safer for all the other kids to not have random adults in and out of the setting.

I’ve started visiting nurseries for my upcoming little one and the two we saw allow a parent for a short time during settling if absolutely needed. PP point about random adults being around children is a very good one though so I will ask that as my follow up question to the nurseries!

Sounds really upsetting OP although I was reassured by the nurseries that from their experience all of the children eventually settle just at varying speed. Good luck x

Wasn't the norm when I used childminders, but now they get govt money they act more like nurseries so it probably is usual now.

I would find that very strange. I can understand they don't want long drawn out goodbyes but on session 1 surely you being there in the background for a short while is in everyone's interests?

The other children are not at risk as you will not be left unsupervised.

I allow parents in for a paperwork meeting and play. Then the next session they come in for a bit and then leave for a short while. Then another session where they drop at the door for a couple of hours.

Depending on how it's gone will depend on what happens next. Sometimes parents have more flexible jobs than others and can esse baby in more gently.

I also don’t allow parents to stay whilst children are settling in.
It disturbs the other children, it’s much harder to settle the new child, and the goodbyes are much, much worse if parents are in the house even 10 minutes.
Its also quite insulting that you infer this makes her less caring…you are of course at liberty to find another cm, trust between parent and cm is absolutely integral, and it doesn’t seem to be there for you.

What on earth does this mean?

Try to be confident leaving your little one and not a nervous wreck, it was only for an hour.

See how it goes, wherever your child is going the settling in period will be tough for him but mainly for you.

No use asking others whether they’re allowed in, this is your CM’s way of doing things and makes sense for a small home setting not to have adult strangers disturbing the other children’s routine.

Quite normal , a child doesn’t need to get used to the other children , the setting etc . They have to get used to you not being in the room. They can’t do that when you are in the room . In my experience as long as they are cuddled and then helped to play , distracted, then most babies and toddlers stop crying in minutes .
Parents who are anxious and have their own separation anxiety make it worse .
If a child were to be upset and not settling the childminder will call you to return .

This is what I do. It's always worked well!

Well, my childminder was as the title suggests someone to mind my child while I worked. She didn't have to meet learning standards, they could be watching tv with her all day. She was great and did loads with them, and I could call in any time. However, she wouldn't pass OFSTED nowadays, she wouldn't want the paperwork.

I don’t think it would help the child trying to settle in as they are then used to having a parent in that setting & it would take longer. Also from safeguarding perspective I don’t think an adult who is not DBS checked should be hanging around the other babies & toddlers. How can the childminder concentrate with another adult watching their every move.

I don’t think attachment parenting does the child any favours tbh as it’s not realistic to have their every need met - nursery, school etc will be more of a challenge to them. I’m probably just not overly into that style though & we all do things differently.

The nursery I use has always let parents in for settling in sessions, typically the first is with the parent and the second without.

Honestly though my DD cried every day at drop off for the best part of six weeks. It was very upsetting but she just needed time to settle. She is fine now!

Bit different maybe because mine is a nursery, but parents stay in the room during the first settling in session.

I agree with this. My little one had me there when I signed all the paperwork for starting there but the first day was just me dropping him at the door. I think it makes it easier in the long run

Yes, totally normal and very sensible.
Right now you have brought up your child to be an extension of you, and not be independent from you at all so of course when you leave him he is going to squall. It is totally new to him! And you hovering about faffing is just going to draw out the agony. Drop and go appears harsh, but it is like ripping off a sticking plaster. Get it over with. Yes he will cry. Yes, he will not adapt overnight. But eventually he will.
She is effectually cutting those apron strings for you.
It is also inappropriate from a safeguarding perspective to have you around in a room where other children are.

I'm a childminder and don't have parents stay for settling but I also wouldn't have a gap of 4 months from meeting to settling in.

I usually have a visit with parent and child
Parent and child are welcome to join us at toddler groups
I do a visit to the child's house if possible
Parent comes to my house, settles child for 5/10 minutes then leaves for a couple of hours.

All settings do things differently, there isn't really a norm.

I don’t have parents here during settling in sessions. Before a child starts the parent visits with them and then visits again to do paperwork. On the actual settling in sessions, the parents hand over at the door and do a quick goodbye which goes a long way to the child getting to know the routine. Settling in sessions are a maximum of 2 hours and I would call the parent back earlier if needs be. It’s good for lo to see that they will be spending time her but parents will come back to pick them up.

lo needs to start getting used to the fact that parent won’t be there. Having parent here for settling in sessions doesn’t help with this, it just makes the first full day harder as parents aren’t there. I also find that the other children act very differently when we have another adult in the home. They are less likely to play freely and invite the new child into play. Instead of focussing on the new child they are focussing on the adult.

What you are suggesting sounds ideal... I think I didn't think through what she suggested and didn't suggest anything else as I didn't want to undermine her. The big gap was the most concerning for me. He didn't have a chance to get to know her in a safe (for him) way. The second settle went quite ok. The kids were very welcoming. I guess it's a learning for me if I ever have to do it again :) it seems like my son settled pretty well despite the lack of interaction prior.

It’s normal, it disturbs the other children. Also safeguarding. Our CM allows to see the setting after hours when everyone is gone.