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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Feel like the world is telling me not to work! (Childcare issues/illness/school events etc)

37 replies

opentothought · 04/06/2025 14:37

Anyone else in the same boat?
I work 4 days a week 9-4 so 6.5 hour days. It’s an office job and I do one day a week at home, which is very valuable to me and helps me get a few jobs done in between work.

Anyway this year DC1 started school so it’s our first year dealing with 1 at school and 1 at nursery, plus juggling school holidays and wrap around care etc. ITS TOUGH!!

When you add in DC getting ill, me getting ill this week and being totally wiped out and in bed for 3 days. School events for Father’s Day, year 1 induction parents meeting, sports morning (2.5 hours long), nursery closing for a day next week. I feel like I am constantly pissing my boss off and letting my colleagues down, who are all childless.

The silly thing is, given the cost of childcare right now, my wage doesn’t go very far but I see my job as my adult time, something I’m proud of and an investment into my pension.

My parents are helpful and they will pick up DC if I’ve got an important meeting at the school or nursery phoned to collect them etc, or if DC1 has an inset day they’re always on hand. But I swear when you factor in:

breakfast club
after school club
holiday club
inset days
child illness
nursery admin
aduly illness
school events
nursery event

its like I’m being told not to work!

anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 05/06/2025 17:49

SparkyBlue · 05/06/2025 17:41

It’s a whole other situation when you have a child with additional needs. I’ve been a sahm for almost eight years now which never I’m my wildest dreams did I think would be.

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It’s always a SAHM. Never a SAHD. Or 2 parents both working part time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SparkyBlue · 05/06/2025 17:54

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 05/06/2025 17:49

It’s always a SAHM. Never a SAHD. Or 2 parents both working part time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Well for practical reasons it’s going to be the highest income earner who stays working which wasn’t me but my point is that with a child with additional needs life just doesn’t go in the way you expected.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 05/06/2025 18:20

SparkyBlue · 05/06/2025 17:54

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Funny how it’s always the mum that earns less too.

I wonder how this keeps happening. It’s a real mystery. It’s as though society doesn’t want women to have the same options as men. 🤔

Neurodiversitydoctor · 05/06/2025 18:27

arcticpandas · 04/06/2025 21:06

Slightly less? If you leave your child 8-17 you got some stressful hours in the evening that's all. Where as you got the whole day as a sahm. Not comparable. And being a sahp is temporary for most before children start school unless you got SEN dc like I do.

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Did your children not go to school ?

arcticpandas · 05/06/2025 18:35

Neurodiversitydoctor · 05/06/2025 18:27

Did your children not go to school ?

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One yes, the other very irregularly with home schooling for 2 years. It's not as straightforward when your child is autistic.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 05/06/2025 19:03

arcticpandas · 05/06/2025 18:35

One yes, the other very irregularly with home schooling for 2 years. It's not as straightforward when your child is autistic.

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No I should imagine not.

Moonpye · 06/07/2025 11:44

Hi, I'm facing a similar dilemma having recently gone back to part time work after mat leave. I have three kids now who are 6, 4 and 1. It's easy to say where's dad in all this and he should be doing half. But the fact is if he takes a day off to look after a sick child we will lose that days pay which is about 4x my pay and I get some paid time off for dependents anyway. He'd actually much prefer to be the one to take the day off but that doesn't make any sense financially. Also fair enough if others feel sports day, father's day event etc are not important to attend but I want to show up for these things because they're important to my children. I want to be present for as much as possible while they still want me there! And for them to know I'm available and that they are my priority. I largely agree with @LGAT . Your working life is long but childhood is so short. It's all come to a head this week as I've been off work with poorly 1yo and heard some things about our childminder that, alongside some things I've noticed myself, have really shaken my confidence in her. We've decided to take him out but where we go from here i don't know. I'm considering a career break until the youngest is 3 and can benefit from a good preschool.

ThankYouNigel · 09/11/2025 07:29

LGAT · 05/06/2025 17:06

I put my career on hold, turned down promotions and now earn next to nothing having started and running my own company to be more flexible around my children. I share the work load and childcare with my partner. One complements the other where we can.

Society today is driven by the economy not humanity. I believe in business & capitalism but it needs to be balanced.

Governments want to see growth in the economy and want all parents working as much as possible, there has been increasing push on this over the years and people told they need to get back to work after having children asap. Raising children has also been devalued and considered a burden.

You state "I see my job as my adult time, something I’m proud of and an investment into my pension." You should be proud of your achievements but you should also be proud to be a parent and what you achieve through that. Child raising is seen as a burden and less important than a career. When you look back what are you more likely to say "I wish I had spent more time at the office" or "I wish I spent more time with my children"? I've only ever heard the latter.

When a person or company outsources they outsource what someone else can do better. Why outsource what no one can do better than you?

You are aware of your pension and contributing to it so you are on the ball there. State pension credits are covered by registering for child benefit so no loss of state pension if not working. A few years of missing top up when children are young is not going to affect it significantly (as least not for the value you'll get back with your children), also you still get the tax advantages if your other half pays into your pension for a while, even if less than now.

People may feel shame and guilt if they used child care or when they hear others talk of the harm caused by it. They need to look at the facts and move on, not try to change the facts to suit their feelings. The proverb about planting a tree...Best time to plant a tree: 25 years ago. Next best time: Today. Do what is best for your child today.

The proper research (not something knocked out on funds from a nursery) and evidence from Clinical Psychologists is that typically child care before 3 is harmful. From 3 good childcare is fine. There are exceptions such as if the parent(s) are unable to adequately care for the child then good quality child care maybe better for the child in those circumstances.

The evidence is clear. When a child is 0-3 years they need love and nurture from a primary care giver. They need to be kept safe and feel safe, not abandoned to another. They do not socialise at this age despite the well pushed misconception. This is common sense...human babies are unable to survive on their own. They are so far behind in relevant development compared to other species. Many baby mammals are walking minutes after birth. Humans are not that far along their development...it typically takes a human a good year...this is mirrored in their mental development.

Why is anxiety and mental health issues on the rise? Not the only reason but a contributing factor is children have been farmed out to child care facilities. The most important time in a childs life is 0-3.

When they are at school its important to be there for children after school and before hand. The government push for breakfast clubs at school is a joke...again it is purely economy growth focused and completely the wrong path to take. (Except where children are not getting breakfast at home and socioeconomic reasons in the family mean external provisions are required, but even then the solution is not necessarily send the child to school for breakfast). The government should be more generous with child benefit, forget free nursery places and give the money to parents to decide how to raise their children. Allow parents to be...parents. And stay at home if they wish...in fact promote this importance of this to children and to society.

Sorry to bring the government into it but one of the pressures people face to go back to work are due to finances and this is really hard for people and cannot be avoided in many cases and I feel for these parents. But if it is unavoidable at least knowing what is optimal you can work around this and understand it to be able to counter it as best as possible. And the other pressure caused by government and society is making parents feel they need to go back to work and work as much as possible. That the only sense of achievement is through work and raising children is not important.

Parenting should be a team effort. Maybe now or in time you other half could work a bit less to accommodate you working and take on some of the child care.

I don't mean any offence by my message but I think you under play the value of you in your children's life and the opportunity you have now. Their childhood will fly by.

Adults need to live more like children...in the moment. Focus on each moment with children and not be distracted by the other pressures of life when with them (easier said than done).

No job is more important or has more value than being a parent.

Beautifully put.

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 09/11/2025 07:45

I think two children in two different settings is a difficult stage, OP. Also it is your first year of dealing with school, which means you likely don’t have the network of other parents or the knowledge of which events are worth your time. I’d grit your teeth and use GPs when feasible. And yes, DH to take on what he can.

oustedbymymate · 09/11/2025 07:53

It shit but not every event needs attending. As much as you would like to. You DH also needs to do the fair share of covering child illness. You take it in turn. Every worker is entitled to 5.6 weeks holiday annually minimum. So you use 11.2 weeks between you. Leaving 3 maybe 4 to cover illness you either need to outsource to holiday clubs/childminder etc. or take unpaid parental leave. Each parent is entitled to 18 weeks per child in paid parental leave to use before they are 18. Again a statutory right.

It’s blood tough. I feel you. We’re in same boat.

can you speak to employer about working term time? That’s what I’ve done. I’ve lost money yes but what I have saved vs putting them into holiday club (youngest is too little anyway) and we don’t have an extended network to help us. I work 80% FTE.

Fiftyandme · 09/11/2025 07:54

Where’s the father? Why are you doing it all?

Fiftyandme · 09/11/2025 07:58

So dad’s job prevents you from working full time and having job security and the ability to build your career, whilst he’s able to work full time, isn’t a PITA to his employer when time off is needed for caring responsibilities (so he has better opportunities for promotion and for not losing his job) and is able to fully contribute towards his workplace pension.

What’s he doing to ensure you have your pension fully contributed towards in lieu of you lowering your working hours and potential to do free childcare?

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