ASD Child doesn’t like new nanny

mammaneedsadrink · 2025-05-02T07:55:48+00:00

I’m in a bit of a bind and would like some advise if possible. We have a new nanny (3rd nanny so not our first rodeo) but my ASD 5yr old doesn’t like her. My elder child is fine, but my younger one just hasn’t gelled with her. She has only been with us for 2 weeks, but how long do I give it before we cut our losses? Younger child plays up for her massively then tells me when she isn’t here that he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want her to come back, even though she does fun things with them. Nanny is lovely and has lots of experience, but I just don’t know if younger child is going to warm up to her. For context, he’s always liked all our nanny’s right from the get go - so it’s not like we’ve dealt with this before either. any advice would be appreciated!

BCBird · 02/05/2025 08:59

No experience here of this at all. Ask your child what it is he doesn't like about her? Perhaps it's something she does or doesn't do ? Has she deviated much from routine of previous nanny? It could be something as simple as that. Maybe your other child could provide an insight.

FloatingSquirrel · 02/05/2025 09:05

My ASD child usually either likes someone or doesn't. I can't think of a single teacher where he has changed his mind, if yours is the same I'd maybe give it 2 more weeks.
For mine he's very perceptive to people's attitude in a way my other DC isn't, and I noticed the same when I was a TA with other autistic DC. There were autistic children me and certain TAs or teachers could easily form a bond with, where other teachers who found them a bit irritating or weren't very invested in them but went through the motions on the surface weren't able to get the same level of engagement with them.

Original poster

mammaneedsadrink · 02/05/2025 09:08

Unfortunately he can’t articulate, just says he doesn’t like her. No deviation from previous routine and older child says she doesn’t know, although she says nanny is a bit slow (she is, in all fairness)

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Original poster

mammaneedsadrink · 02/05/2025 09:10

Thanks for the perspective@FloatingSquirrelthis is what I’m afraid of, that he won’t change his mind. Usually he’s very easy going and likes everyone, but he’s just taken this dislike to her which is a real shame 🫤

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Fearfulsaints · 02/05/2025 09:12

My ASD child also either likes someone or not!

Now he is secondary age, a few people have managed to change his mind. But it took at least two school terms and was carefully managed by gradually building up time. He would be with someone he did like, the person he didn't like would join them for a short time, doing a preferred activity, then head off. Then after a few weeks they were the ones doing the preferred activity, but started to join for other activities too.

Anyway, that going to be slow and hard for a nanny, but maybe you could Somehow have her do something particularly nice with you there too?

2 weeks isn't that long to build a bond, but ad pp said, and children can be quite perceptive and decisive..

KarCat · 02/05/2025 09:18

From the other perspective…nanny will probably realise your child doesn’t like her, and if they are playing her up as well, she may be grateful to find another position where the children do like her ?

Original poster

mammaneedsadrink · 02/05/2025 09:27

That’s a very good point @KarCatmaybe I’ll have a think about how to word it and have a chat with her later about how it’s going

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notsureyetcertain · 02/05/2025 09:39

Is there anything she can do to endear herself, my ds is Mario obsessed so that’s an easy in with him.

could it be smell, clothing, voice? Does he need a routine, is she facilitating his needs?

id probably give it a couple more weeks but the unfortunate thing is he may not like childcare which is tricky if he needs it.

Original poster

mammaneedsadrink · 02/05/2025 10:16

Well he’s always really liked his previous nanny’s so I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t like childcare at all.

It’s so bloody tough to find someone with SEN experience in the first place, but if he isn’t comfortable with her within the next couple of weeks I guess we’ll have to start again (again!). if anyone has any recommendation of where to find a good SEN nanny, other than the obvious childcare.com & care.com, please do let me know.

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BearClaire · 02/05/2025 17:35

While this isn’t something I’m personally experiencing with my children, a friend of mine who has a child with ASD found it helpful to hire a nanny specialising in that area. I hired someone just this year (no ASD experience) from little ones and I know they have specialist nannies too, they were wonderful with us.

legoplaybook · 03/05/2025 18:22

If she's a good nanny and is treating him well and doing a good job then can you just tell him he doesn't need to like her?
There will be lots of teachers and TAs in his life that he might not necessarily love. Presumably this is just for after school and holidays.
It doesn't sound like you have a huge amount of options.

SuperGinger · 03/05/2025 18:42

Get rid of her, they clearly have bad chemistry. This happened with my DS and culminated in him saying I hate you to her face. I wish I'd done it as soon as I saw it. It was early days but she was too harsh for him, she had great qualifications and references but it didn't work, we then got a very boho nanny with little training but her outlook was more like mine and she was a hit.

SlagPit · 03/05/2025 19:02

legoplaybook · 03/05/2025 18:22

If she's a good nanny and is treating him well and doing a good job then can you just tell him he doesn't need to like her?
There will be lots of teachers and TAs in his life that he might not necessarily love. Presumably this is just for after school and holidays.
It doesn't sound like you have a huge amount of options.

Edited

I'd be inclined to this. He isn't always going to like everyone in his life but if she's doing a good job and your other DC likes her then maybe he needs to learn to adjust a bit.

TamanTun · 03/05/2025 19:09

Try Sennies, they specialise in SEN childcare

Original poster

mammaneedsadrink · 03/05/2025 20:15

Thanks for all the comments. I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the last couple of days and in all honesty I’m just not sure it feels right. She interviewed great, is lovely and has extensive experience but I’m having doubts myself and I’m not sure it is just because of youngest DC not liking her.

i am in a very fortunate position where I can reduce my hours to eliminate the need for a nanny completely - it just isn’t something I particularly want to do as it will have an impact on my ability to progress at work (I know it shouldn’t but it will)

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SuperGinger · 04/05/2025 13:49

mammaneedsadrink · 03/05/2025 20:15

Thanks for all the comments. I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the last couple of days and in all honesty I’m just not sure it feels right. She interviewed great, is lovely and has extensive experience but I’m having doubts myself and I’m not sure it is just because of youngest DC not liking her.

i am in a very fortunate position where I can reduce my hours to eliminate the need for a nanny completely - it just isn’t something I particularly want to do as it will have an impact on my ability to progress at work (I know it shouldn’t but it will)

Go with your instincts and good luck, I hope you get someone more suitable

PorridgeWithSaltOrSugar · 08/05/2025 00:00

May be something to do with the family being on to the 3rd nanny. Child may have some trust issues and think if they get close to the new nanny they will leave.

Original poster

mammaneedsadrink · 09/05/2025 20:30

Update for anyone interested - we parted ways with the nanny today. The kids are relieved and so are we x

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Blondeshavemorefun · 11/05/2025 12:14

3 nannies in maybe 4yrs sounds a lot

why did nanny 1&2 leave and after how long

MyOliveHelper · 11/05/2025 12:18

Why did the other nannies leave?

MyOliveHelper · 11/05/2025 12:18

Could be that the first 2 couldn't manage his behaviour and left when burned out. This one instills boundaries he isn't accustomed to.