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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

this is difficult to write but...does anybody else's nanny leave them feeling inadequate?

25 replies

woodstock3 · 17/05/2008 20:31

she is brilliant, and compared to people who have worries about their childcare i know i should count myself lucky, and i do. but....ds is nearly a year, we've had his nanny for three months. he adores her and we are really happy with her.
but cant help noticing how much better he behaves for her - lies still and gurgles when she changes him whereas with me he cries and struggles; eats what she gives him when with me he'll often act up. she plays a lot of imaginative games with him whereas all too often when im with him evenings and weekends im knackered, worn out and trying to simultaneously catch up on housework etc, and i know im not giving him the best quality time.
he still clearly prefers me to her, but i think she is just better at managing his behaviour. am worried that now i am back at work ft i am just losing touch with him, or losing the knack of parenting him somehow. she is very tactful and never makes me feel like i'm doing things wrong but am starting to feel unconfident in my parenting in a way i didnt when i was at home ft. anyone else ever felt like this?

OP posts:

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FairyMum · 17/05/2008 20:35

He plays up with you because he knows you are his mummy and you love him uncondionally like only mummy's can. Very typical and don't worry. Your nanny sounds great!

beansprout · 17/05/2008 20:36

Nooooo!! Please don't tell yourself this!! They save their most difficult behaviour for you, as it is you they feel safest with and hence they can test boundaries. It is really easy to think that someone who sees less of your child, who has more energy, isn't doing the sleepless nights etc etc, is doing a better job but it is just not true.

You are lucky to have a good nanny but your lovely ds only has one mum and that is you!!

juliette3966 · 17/05/2008 21:12

Hi My son Looooooooved his nanny. He even asked me aged 3 if it was OK to love XX so much because she was sooooooo lovely. I said yes but inside i felt NO. She left but wanted to stay in touch, 6 months later she came round and he was like X who!! even I was surprised.. But I shouldn't have been. My Mum reminded me I had a nanny myself from when I was 3 to aged 9 (same one)and although I remember her with the affection one does an aged aunt it really is nothing more. A Mum is a Mum, a nanny is just a diversion.. be happy she makes him happy when she leaves he won't even remember her!

cazboldy · 17/05/2008 21:22

All children are naughtier for their mummy than anyone else!

Nighbynight · 17/05/2008 21:23

My children used to burst into tears at the sight of me. They would turn from happy, well adjusted little angels while being looked after by anyone else, into whining, whinging little horrors.
I think it was just as someone else said, because they knew that I was the only person who would put up with this sort of behaviour and still love them.

nannyL · 17/05/2008 22:33

IMO most all chidlren behave / eat better for their nannies than their parents

my charges certainly do... but at the same time i take NO nonsense at all, and they know that too

daisy26 · 17/05/2008 22:54

Hi im a nanny, im not being big headed but I am a good nanny, and do notice that the kids at times, do play up for their parents then they do for me. 3yr old girl I look after is a fussy eater, im quite strict with her, but whilst im there,and the parents maybe with her, I have noticed, she plays up, but the parents do allot of the times, let her get away with it, which doesn't help. Like people say children do rend to play up for their parents, but then they are just being kids

Original poster

woodstock3 · 17/05/2008 23:19

thankyou for all your cheering messages which have made me feel a lot better. but nannyL i think you are right: she is firmer than me (probably because at the end of a long working day i am both too tired, and too guilty about not being there all day, to have a standup fight about everything) and he's worked out he can get away with more stuff with me. which i suppose is something i need to sort out before he gets older....

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 17/05/2008 23:21

who spends more time with your child when he is awake, you or your nany?

paros · 17/05/2008 23:32

Im a nanny and dont laugh but when I fell pregnant I thought I would have a nanny child /baby , One that did as he was asked ,put his toys away , ate all food that was put in front of him etc . Well it didnt quite work out like that LOL . You see as a nanny you like having the children that you look after s love but you dont need it to survive IYSWIM so you can be a bit firmer than if you are their mother .As a mother its a whole different ball game as you know . Boy did I get a shock when I had my own . LOL

BEAUTlFUL · 17/05/2008 23:38

This is exactly why I could never have a nanny. I'd feel exactly like this.

imananny · 18/05/2008 03:17

woodstock - all children seem to behave better for their nannies - as nannyL says nannies are generally stricter as we dont have the guilt issue - therefore when we say no - we mean it - and we dont chnage our minds when child winges

rest assured that your son loves you more than anyone - though nanny might come a close no 2

you say you are trying to catch up on housework - can you maybe try and get a cleaner to come and help you to try and ease the load?

sprogger · 18/05/2008 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyMum · 18/05/2008 11:42

I don't think its got anything to do with being firm to be honest.Its just a child/parent-relationship. The dynamic is different. An "outsider" can be firm in a different way than a parent IMO. I am sure if you think about it you know parents who are very firm, but still their children play up.

mumnanny1 · 19/05/2008 10:31

I have found my ds behaviour far harder to cope with than any of my charges. Children always seem to play up more for their parents than their nannies. I think I'm being punished for all those years spouting "why can't they just be consistent?" It is a million times harder with your own child. It's great that your nanny is good with him and that he likes her so much. She is meant to be an expert, so don't feel inadequate.

Mand81979 · 19/05/2008 11:30

I have a child and I am chilminder. Other peoples children behave for me, but my own son plays me up so I can totally relate.

For a short while he went too nursery, to give me a chance to leave my old job and set up my own business so that he could join me. I felt mixed feelings. I was happy he was happy, but at the same time I resented the fact that he didn't mind that I wasn't there and that he was so well behavied for them.

But like the many people that have already said on this conversation. Children are fickle, they will be best friends with a nanny, teacher, children the same age. But a few days/weeks they can't remember who they are, sometimes they don't even recognise their Nanny outside of their usual surroundings.

However when a child is sick, tired all they want is their Mummy and nobody can replace Mummy regardless how many fun games they know or however organised they appear to be!

Bink · 19/05/2008 13:00

I wanted to say what mumnanny has said - that your nanny is meant to be a dab hand at this stuff. We've had some brilliant childcare, & I've done shameless copying learned so much - everything from magical sleight-of-hand distraction techniques to really efficient clothes-folding.

Separate thought, though - is she nice to you? Is she doing anything to make you have these amateur-ish feelings?

AbbeyA · 19/05/2008 13:06

You should just be pleased that she is brilliant-she is trained in child care, it is her job and she should be good at it.It is a different relationship. I thought that one baby would be a doddle after a class of 30 children-I was wrong! It is much harder with your own.

Issy · 19/05/2008 13:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Bink · 19/05/2008 13:29

Dearest Issy - that's the wisdom of Libby Purves, not me. (LP may have got it from Anchovy though, who knows ...)

Bink · 19/05/2008 13:36

Oh - I wanted also to make woodstock3 feel not quite so alone by telling the story of when I made my son (then, well, less than 3 anyway) some kind of slightly non-labour-intensive meal one weekend. At the time we had a nanny whose cookery skills were amazing ...

He had a bit, & pushed it around the plate. Aren't you hungry? I said.

He said, "Well, the problem is ... [tactful pause, brave decision to assert himself] ... it's not very tasty."

I got nanny to write down a few recipes

Anchovy · 19/05/2008 13:44

LOL, I've been outed - I got it from Libby Purves!

imananny · 19/05/2008 14:02

bink - same thing happened with my Mb - i cooked a lovely shepherds pie - kids loved it - Mb did one the next week, and both said they didnt like it

children are very fickle!!

Original poster

woodstock3 · 24/05/2008 20:18

thankyou belatedly for all your kind messages! especially those (indirectly) from libby purves - will remember that one....

OP posts:

vixma · 24/05/2008 22:49

You have an awesome nanny, this is nothing against you, but infact a compliment towards you as you chose her. Children know their parents inside out literally. You are connected by hormones and genes and this is why you have bonded with each other so well and why you feel inadiquate, you are not, you are so close and your child knows this as so do you. Well done for picking good childcare as it is hard to find and this us a good representation of your expectations and who you are as a person. Do not put youself down or feel worried, be proud.

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