Moving in with partner splitting finances

[stepparent26]

Hi

So me and my partner are thinking about moving in together, she has 2 children and I don't have any as of yet (we are planning to have one together at a later time).

I am new to being with someone with kids and whilst I've lived with someone before I feel like moving in with a single mum is going to be a lot different.

We have been recently discussing finances and she currently only works 3 days a week due to childcare. She is reluctant to go back to work full time any time soon as her youngest is only 2.

We have discussed splitting bills etc for the house mortgage, council tax, utilities etc which I am fine about. However, because of childcare fees and she states that she will lose a lot of income from universal credit she wants me to pay half of the childcare costs. However, what she doesn't understand is that by me moving in and giving up my rental property and paying half the nursery fees will leave me with less than I was paying for my own home.

Is this the standard for most relationships? She gets CSA from the father but it's around £100 a month which is nothing really in comparison to the £1000 a month childcare fees.

I have a good job with a decent salary, so does she but with her only working 3 days a week is affecting her finances.

Should I be expected to split childcare costs?

How do other people split finances?

Please be kind, I just want to do the right thing ☺️

Why not just stay living in your own houses - that way, you'll have more money and she won't lose her Universal Credit.

I'm struggling to see how either of you would be better off by living together. And I'm assuming the whole point of you living together is for financial reasons, as opposed to a "trial marriage" kind of thing.

Don't move in with her.

Keep your own space for at least the next couple of years. Re-evaluate when her youngest starts school.

Rushing into this won't help anyone, not you, not her and not the children. Be absolutely, 100% sure before you make everyone's lives more complicated.

She will be worse off, and it’s not a smart move on her part to consider you moving in.

if you’re not planning to marry her (soon) and therefore share finances and take the financial hit that comes with having pre-schoolers then you should both wait until her children are at school or at least have more access to free childcare hours.

Two is still very little and she is not being at ALL unreasonable “only” working three days a week. Things change a lot as they get older but the first few years are brutal. It’s exhausting being a parent, a single parent etc and this is likely the right balance for her and her children for now. Dont be someone who pressures her into upending that. It is hard enough for women to find decent jobs where this flexibility is an option.

I know her kids are supposed to be her financial responsibility etc but that’s not realistic when, as she has said, it is going to cost her real money to have you as part of her household. And even going forward (and especially if you’re thinking of having a child together) how will this work in practice? Is your child going to have everything they need and not the others if she can’t afford it on her own salary? How will you split food/household essentials bills as the children get older? Life can’t always be “fair” as in complete parity in every respect.

You don’t say how you feel about her. What comes across more is a lack of understanding of her situation overall, and a lack of desire to be a person who creates a unit with her. Also bear in mind how the children will perceive you as very much part of their family. It’s not easy (or fair) just to flit in and out of little ones’ lives.

It does not sound as though you’re ready for this and it does not sound as though she is putting herself and her kids security first, which is really hard but would be better for her long term.

In short - too soon to move in. You can be there for her and be present a lot without living together. But if you aren’t prepared to do that then don’t waste her time.

No way!!! If you re both going to worse off don’t move in together until her kids are at school, and no childcare fees are applicable.

Also doesn’t sound like you have been together very long if the youngest is 2…. So I would definitely wait a few more years …. Or not at all blended families don’t work ( I have the tshirt 🙄)

Her youngest is 2?
So you havent been together long

Why would you be considering moving in together?

This is CRAZY

Date for ATLEAST another year before you jump into this
…………

But to give you the advice you wanted

If you are paying half of everything, then she will be saving on that money so she wouldnt be much worse off without her universal credit surely?
I dont think its your responsibility to be paying for her childrens childcare

Why does the dad only pay £100 a month?

His wage will probably wipe out most of her universal credit amount, she will be left with a very small amount left over, if any

She must have very low self esteem if she is willing to make herself so financially vulnerable whilst she has such a young child

If your going to move in together knowing that she is going to lose a large chunk of her income in the process, I don't know why you wouldn't want to contribute to child care costs?

Say you earn 2000 month and all in all she receives around 1600 from universal credit for rent/ her and her children - universal credit will take off roughly 870 off her income because of your wage

So even if you were putting half towards bills etc she's still missing out because she's going to end up financially reliant on you and it's such a dangerous situation to be in

If you had your head screwed on you wouldn't even consider moving in with someone who had such a young child. If you were my son I'd be judging you very harshly for wanting to get involved with someone who seems quite vulnerable

Don't jump straight into buying a house together. That will be a disaster if it turns out that you are not compatible living together, not just financially but for those little children. Rent first. But it really doesn't make any sense to live together if it will cause you both to lose money.

Also, I'm not sure your attitude is right for this in that you want to have a child with this woman but want to treat her other children as nothing to do with you. How will that work as a "family"? You, her, and your joint baby will be a family, and her other 2 children will just be...there?

The reason she will lose most of her UC is because when you move in with someone people expect you to behave like a family. Not two people with separate finances.

I think everyone is creating their own narrative with this one. Maybe I did not give enough details but the judgey comments are a bit far fetched considering they are just guesses. All I asked was is it normal in these situations to pay for the childcare.

1. stop presuming I am a man, I am not i am female.

2. stop presuming I'm pushing for this...she's the one who has asked me to move in, it won't be any time soon but it's becoming much more a possibility and something I am considering... which is the reason for the post. Like everyone says it's hard being a single mum and I'm trying to support her as best as I can with the situation.

3. we live a 1 hour drive from each other

4. we have been together for over a year

5. I treat the kids very well fyi. Most days out/ takeaways etc are paid by me for the whole family, I spend 3 days a week and actively take part in looking after the children/ bed times/ bathing etc. I even contribute towards the oldests uniform when her father doesn't step up.

6. I don't have to explain my partners sexuality to anyone whether the youngest is only 2 has nothing to do with anyone. He's nearly 3 And to post that she is vulnerable off a thread asking for advice how step parents split bills...where the hell have you got that from?!

7. the dad pays for his other child therefore the CSA amount is 100 a month due to his low income.

8. I have no issue splitting the bills, all bills... I am specifically asking about the childcare.

9. I am not pressuring her to go back full time if she wants to stay part time that's her choice which I respect.

I think everyone is correct in saying… wait until the youngest in school to move in together. Childcare fees are a expensive.

can you wait?

It seems like waiting may be the best option as the youngest won't be in school until September 2026.

He gets 30 free hours at nursery in April so may be an option then when the childcare fees are reduced.

Thank you for a helpful response ☺️

I'd still wait another year to move in together. The youngest child would then be almost school aged. Your partner could return to work possibly another day each week and the childcare issue would be irrelevant. DC would get more subsidised childcare hours by then. After you move in together you make a commitment to share everything together including caring for DC. It not that long to wait until next Xmas. It would be much simpler then.

Way too soon to be moving in together!

And no, you don't have to pay towards childcare.

She needs to create a stable home for those kids on her own.

I wouldn't plan to move in anytime soon. I'd be waiting a few more years.

If you’ve only been dating for a year, how long have you known the kids? I would have thought it’s much too soon for the kids, to move in a new partner.

I don't have to explain my partners sexuality to anyone whether the youngest is only 2 has nothing to do with anyone. He's nearly 3 And to post that she is vulnerable off a thread asking for advice how step parents split bills...where the hell have you got that from?!

Saying she's vulnerable comes from reading that a woman with a very young child is willing to lose over half her income and be financially reliant on someone she's been in a relationship with for over a year...... If she was my daughter I'd be trying to talk some sense into her. What a dangerous situation she's putting herself and her children in

I treat the kids very well fyi. Most days out/ takeaways etc are paid by me for the whole family, I spend 3 days a week and actively take part in looking after the children/ bed times/ bathing etc. I even contribute towards the oldests uniform when her father doesn't step up

This again shows she's vulnerable, she's willing to let someone she's been in a relationship with for over a year bathe her children? Massive red flag for you both. Her for having such poor boundaries and wanting to play happy families and you for getting so involved in the children when you've been in a relationship for over a year

I think she's a CF for expecting you to pay half the childcare costs to be honest!

In an ideal world the dad would be contributing a decent amount.

I know that over a year feels a long time, but it isn't when it comes to stepping into children's lives.

Keep a safe distance financially and emotionally/physically from the children until it's been at least another year.

Your partner may not be vulnerable, but they're making some questionable choices regarding their children. You sound like a lovely person, but any safeguarding information would advise against letting a relatively new partner become this involved in your children's lives. Have a Google and read up on it. Protect yourself.

If you are both going to be worse off then don’t live together

Do you love her kids? It’s reasonable that the answer might be no / not yet. In which case do not move in with her (yet). When you are ready for the full package of her + kids then think about moving in / marriage ideally and at that point the household income is shared - you both will have to pay for the kids. Worth discussing scenarios etc, does she want to be a sahm? Or go back full time when kids are older?

I agree with this. It is way too much too soon.

It’s a shockingly bad idea for all concerned, mainly for the very young kids involved.

Life is short if you have found happiness and you think she is the one. Jump right in pay half and be the best team you can be. I’m married 22 years we only have joint accounts money come in our spend account we transfer to our bills account. Never have we once argued over finances. Go with it!