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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Is her behaviour acceptable? (its a long one!)

24 replies

bec5696 · 23/04/2008 09:39

I am currently a childminder with my mum, when we registered in January we only advertised for ages 0-5 as we didn?t want school aged children. Though we did take on a 9 year old girl and a 4 year old boy who were neighbors of ours to help their parents out. They only come to us for 4 hours a week, (2 on a monday and 2 on a friday)
Since January there hasn?t really been a problem, other than a few cheeky comments and an ounce of moody behavior.
On Monday evening with they 9 year old girl was collected from school she came home and lay on our sofa with cushions propping up her head, when asked to sit up and did she feel poorly she began to cry, Though not so much tears but winging. she would not speak or tell us what was wrong so we left her to it. She then became very moody, wouldn?t join in with the other children and refused to say hello to the new addition of guinea pigs, even though her mum had previously told us she was excited about seeing them.
We took her mum a side in private when she arrived to collect and she said she would speak to her. Then yesterday we were contacted to say that the girl was tired and wanted to have a sleep, forgive me if I am wrong but she is 9 years old, and more than capable of telling us! also we don?t consider it acceptable for her to be lying on our sofa having a rest at 4 in the afternoon, without reason, when the others are joining in the fun. We were then told that she also gets board! we have an absolute box full of toys that were brought with her in mind, yet she never asks for them or seems interested. The parents asked if they could leave drawing items, and books here for when she gets in, to which we said no we have a stack of them already!
Just wondering how others would deal with this situation please? Out of all of our parents and children these are the ones that no us best and we are hurt that they can imply we are not giving their child the best possible care.

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happystory · 23/04/2008 09:59

When my dd was a similar age she went to a friend's party that she had been looking forward to for ages. It involved travelling by car. When I collected her, the mum said 'She felt carsick' What?! Dd had never felt carsick in her life. Dd continued with this story until I winkled it out of her that another girl at the party had been rude to her in the car.

At 9 they are on the cusp of being mini-teens (confused emotions etc) -maybe it's nothing to do with you but she just wanted to be on her own and was a bit upset about something from school but didn't want to say the real reason?

sleepycat · 23/04/2008 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConnorTraceptive · 23/04/2008 10:07

you sound quite unaccomadating tbh - why is a 9 year old not allowed to be tired and rest?

Original poster

bec5696 · 23/04/2008 10:10

But this is it, she was asked if she wanted to read a book and her answer was no, resting on the sofa is not an issue, only when she has her feet up we consider it to be un acceptable.
She is certainly not a shy girl so what would have been the harm in telling us. Besides she gets bored is what she said so surely she wouldnt want to be sitting down? we have board games which she chose.

OP posts:

ROSEgarden · 23/04/2008 10:10

dont you have an area where she could have had some quiet time to herself?..i have a 10yr old mindee whom go's into our living room and will watch a dvd or read a book when the littlys are running around being crazy..another of my mindees who's 5 also does this sometimes..i dont think she should be made to do/say anything..we all feel off sometimes, maybe someone upset her at school, maybe she's worried about something/hormaonal...id let her have her quiet time and im sure she will come round...now its nice weather get them outdoors in garden, i find after a crazy day at school they dont want to be cooped up in the hosue and prefer to play in garden with toys/chalks/slides/trampolines etc..and even then my 10yr old mindee sometimes(like last night) prefers to stay in house snuggled up on sofa watching a cartoon/reading/drawing while the rest are outside playing

ROSEgarden · 23/04/2008 10:14

took too long posting there..TBVH putting feet up(obv with no shoes on) is in no way unnacceptable in my house, i LOVE the children to make them selves at home and id be over the moon if (and they do) my mindees tuck their feet up and curl into sofa..i think you should let her have her space, provide activities, ask her what SHE would LIKE to do, ask if shes bored, ask if she would like to help you do something(bake etc) while the others play..she will be wanting more indipendance..let her have it.

ConnorTraceptive · 23/04/2008 10:15

agree with rose as long as shoes are off I don't see a problem.

happystory · 23/04/2008 10:16

She probably just wanted her mum. Dd was ages before she told ME, she certainly wouldn't have told anyone else, especially when she was upset.

Think the 'boredom' thing is just an excuse TBH

Original poster

bec5696 · 23/04/2008 10:16

Yes and I do agree with that compleatly. But the quite time is offered and usually she will do what she feels like doing, all the children have their own beanbag which they can move around areas of the house as they please. As I said this has not been an issure ever, until monday, usually she will play, do puzzles, read or go in the garden. Yes children all ahve off days, so do we and I accept that, But I am hurt that she says it is boring and her parents believe her, when we try to do an activity every day and she goes home with the evidence.

OP posts:

Rolf · 23/04/2008 10:19

Sometimes when my children come home from school they want to be quiet/alone. Lots of adults feel the same way after being at work.

My boys went to a childminder during the summer holidays. She was lovely and laid on lots of activities but they just weren't happy there. They really wanted (and needed) to be in their own home. Even if this isn't an option for the child, it's a reasonable way to feel.

Fair enough if you have a "no feet on the sofa" rule - tell her that's what you're asking her to do. But I don't think it's fair to expect her to join in when she doesn't feel like it, especially after a long day at school when she's had to "join in". What's wrong with bringing some books etc from her own home? Having her own things in her own bag might make her feel more relaxed/happy.

sleepycat · 23/04/2008 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ROSEgarden · 23/04/2008 10:22

i think a proper chat with parents, explain(i know you already show/tell them but sometimes it needs re-iterating!) what types of things you offer/engage them in/provide..tell THEM you think their dd is maybe growing up and going through some changes so may well be changing how she does things/feeling different and tell them(try and keep it as you being the proffesional one) you will go with the flow with her, try and communicate more with all of them(i think this is what any of my parents would like to hear)..and keep them informed(weekly) of any probs(not daily, it will seem like you're picking).good luck

happystory · 23/04/2008 10:24

Good advice ROSE

Sidge · 23/04/2008 10:25

She probably didn't want to tell you as it sounds like you wouldn't have considered her feelings anyway.

I can't believe you think a 9 year old wanting to curl up on the sofa after a hard day at school is unacceptable. My 9 year old is knackered when she gets home and often wants to lie on the sofa and watch TV or read a book.

You can't expect a 9 year old to necessarily want to play with toys and younger children. And saying things like "boring" are just reflexive comments - mine says that when things aren't going her way

frogs · 23/04/2008 10:26

She's 9. They don't always want to join in with littlies, and they do start to find the things little ones do boring. I really don't see why she can't bring her own drawing things, or just be left alone to mope by herself for a bit. Why can't she bring her own books? I'd be really annoyed if someone I was visiting said I couldn't read my own books, I had to read theirs.

She's turning into a pre-teen, they don't always want to play ball. Treat her more like you would a grown-up, I suspect she feels that you're trying to lump her in with the toddlers when she feels she's outgrown that.

umberella · 23/04/2008 10:28

I would also see no harm in letting them leave some things for her (drawing stuff etc) at least then you are showing you are not ignoring the fact there's obv some kind of problem.

Original poster

bec5696 · 23/04/2008 10:29

No I dont expect her to join in if she doesnt want to, sometime for example last friday she said could I go into the other room with my library book and we said of course, she was asked if she wanted to do this on monday and she said no.

OP posts:

MummyDoIt · 23/04/2008 10:30

I don't understand why you said no when her parents asked if she could bring books and drawing equipment. I appreciate you have some but she may just prefer her own. If it's a space issue then fair enough but otherwise I can't see any reason for refusing to let her have a few things of her own.

SmugColditz · 23/04/2008 10:32

Leave her alone, yabu. She's not 5, and they are very different. Why should she change her needs to accomadate your wish to see her playing with toys?

I didn't play with toys at nine years old, I read books, and I painted with watercolours (rather well, for my age)

She will not want to play with smaller children, so drop any illusion of her as Games Leader.

I'm afraid that if your response to her being tired and needing a chill out after school is to become annoyed she won't play with the box of toys you have, you're not really providing the level of care you think you are.

Try to keep in mind that she perhaps simply doesn't want to be there, but isn't hurting anyone by sitting quietly and having a rest!

Original poster

bec5696 · 23/04/2008 10:32

Thanks for everoyones advice though, I will take it on board, sometimes we all need to be pointed in the right direction, It doesnt mean we are doing anything wrong, I know that.

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 23/04/2008 10:33

If you think nine year olds always know exactly what they want and need and the socially acceptable way to get it, you are in for a rough ride, both as a child minder, and with your own.

sleepycat · 23/04/2008 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ROSEgarden · 23/04/2008 10:40

I NEVER 'plan' anything for after school other than say "lets go outside" or "its pouring down, we cant go outside what shall we doo" as theyve been in a structured enviro all day..if i have tiny ones and older ones in same day i set up the things the older ones want to do(painting/play doh/crafty stuff) in breakfast rom and keep the smaller/babies in playroom with me then check on them see if they need help etc..i cant MAKE anyone do baby stuff when i have the babies and each parent righfully expects ME to keep THIER child happy and occupied and not have to do what ever everyone else is doing...my 10yr old wanted to 'look round my house' on manday??!!..so i said yes of course(she was very quiet and timid at last cm and here has been a little ray of sunshine, think she was comfortable in most of house but just wanted to see what rest was like) so she went up, looked around and came back down..we talked about the pictures i have up in computer room, what could she see from my bedroom window etc..she really loved(daft as it sounds) to be able to do this when the littlys could go up into the rooms for privacy reasons/safety..im new to this 10yr old age lark, but i try and go with what she wants and tends to work out well..she does drawings of me saying "X is cool"..so i must do something right

ROSEgarden · 23/04/2008 10:44

oh and (sorry to overtake on here) my 10yr old mindee was v.quiet last night..didnt want to drink/eat what the others did, so i told her her drink was in kithcen, to let me know when she wanted a snack and she curled up on sofa, read her ZAC EFRON book and after about 30 mins, asked for snack then snuggled back down with one of my blankets over her...step dad picked her up, so text mum to say X has been quiet tonight, not ill, but said x hurt a bit, is she ok now at home?..so i juts let mum no id noticed something without making it into a big deal and she could then look into it..we can only do so much really

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