Ap great with dcs, but doing my head in .....!

[cloudberry]

If ap gets on great with dcs but not with with me and dh, what to do? Does that sound silly? I know that the rapport between dcs and aps is crucial, but I really don't like her, nor does dh. Having had her in our house for nearly 7 weeks, I find her very oppressive. We bearly speak. Despite going to school, her English is so poor that there is not yet perceptible improvement. All efforts on my part to encourage her to get out, meet people, find something interesting to do at the weekends have been met with negative responses. She hardly ever goes out and spends most of the weekends holed up in her room. I could go on but it'll become a whinge which is very dull. Does it really matter that I find her so unappealing? Should I shut up and be grateful that I've got help while dd2 is still so tiny (4 weeks) and the other dcs are happy with her? I would now NEVER have an older ap, this woman at 54 for me is almost like having my mother around my neck. Am I being silly to be extremely irritated by the fact that she won't leave the dcs to play alone. She's always there, playing with them, not letting them do their own thing, which a) means she doesn't do anything else, and b) that the dcs especially ds who's just 2 expect full-on attention all the time which is hard for me to give when I'm on my own with them and which I don't want to do anyway. I feel it's better for them developmentally to learn to play together and on their own without adult input. Anyway I shall await your comments with interest ..... !

Sounds like the first stage of communication breakdown. There HAS to be communication. I could be formal -- like a nanny diary. Or weekly chats. But if you feel sidelined by the au pair, that is definitely a warning.

Put your managerial hat on and discuss communication.

What are her duties? Not sure if ananny diary is really appropriate. But, some kind of report on what goes on when you are not around is in order.

I could give better advice if I knew more about her job description.

Hi Cloud .. How are you? (apart from the AP I mean ) and baby cloud?

Really sorry to hear things haven't improved. It's hard enough telling a young AP what to do never mind a woman old enough to be your mother, so I really feel for you.
Have you tried talking to N? Why not see what she suggests?
Otherwise you either going to have to bite the bullet and tell her how you want things doing in your home... or let her go....

I feel sidelined by my ap as AtheneNoctua says. Last night it was "Aren't you going to go to bed now, it's getting late and you're tired" - this was around 10.05pm and this afternoon it was "You haven't brought work home, have you?" - it wasn't work strictly speaking but a voluntary role I've taken on to do with work. I get fed up of justifying myself repeatedly and for sticking up for the kids, too, whether they're playing football outside and the ball is hitting the wall or if ds is doing his music practice. It's my house but it doesn't feel like my home with someone else here who goes out so rarely and voices her opinion so readily and it's getting me down, I think. Still, I am able to carry on decluttering by leaving the run of the mill housework largely to her five days a week and she'll be gone in 3 mths so I should have a much clearer house by the end of her stay.

Oh god Simply...you too? What a blardy nightmare. Next time she says "go to bed etc etc"
say, I really appreciate your concern and I know you are trying to be kind / thoughtful, but actually I find this kind of comment really intrusive.
What do you think?
Would it work?

Thanks for understanding ingles2. Dh doesn't "get" it, I don't think. I will do as you suggest. I am sure she means well, she just did something similar when I was toying with "Shall I do the washing up tonight or not" and said "You're not going to do the washing up now, are you?" It bugs me to leave it for her to do in the morning as the kids and I will see it first thing and will have added to it with our brekkie things but I know I should as otherwise I'll have done her usual first task of the day. I've just unloaded the w/m so I think I'll peg that out instead, then I've got a few things to do before bed. I prefer to do jobs as they crop up, though!

Get rid of her. I had a nanny who got on great with the ds's but I found her very difficult to get on with. It was like a huge weight was lifted when she left. She stopped me working from home a couple of days a week as I'd intended because I felt totally excluded when she was with the dc and made me feel unwanted in my own home. She told me a few weeks after she started that she didn't get on at all with her previous boss and since leaving me had a new job fall through after spending 2 weeks at home with the mother so I've come round to thinking that she struggles to get on with the parents of her charges. At the time I thought that I was being too sensitive and needed to grit my teeth a bit more.

That's all right... the thing is it looks like her subtext is...
"you're not going to do the washing up now are you?"(because I can do it in the morning)
BUT
It is just like having your mother/mil constantly on your back, checking you're doing your duty... and it would piss me of no end too..

It must be incredibly difficult having someone else in your home, especially if they are a pain in the arse! Sounds like she is trying to be helpful in some repects, but she is just coming across as interfering. You could talk to her about your DC's needing to play by themselves. I think she may be just trying too hard with them. I know I did this when I was inexperienced, as I didn't want parents to think I wasn't interested in the children. It takes a while to learn that you need to stand back and let them get on with it. Having said that, if she is really causing you to feel uncomfortable in your own home, is it worth it? How long is she meant to be staying?

oh no cloud sorry to hear this - you really do not need it with newborn. I agree with Athena that communication is paramount in any relationship and when it breaks down you need to rebuild it. However, when she spends most of her time in her room, I doubt there will ever be any.

I had an AP who got on brilliantly with LOs, who dh and I actually really liked (yes really) but she just wouldn't listen to a word I said (she was a native English speaker). We let her go after a couple of weeks and it was such a relief - and I had a newborn as well. I felt as though I had 4 kids whilst she was around, not 3.

The best thing to do is to write a list of her good points and her bad points and see what comes out tops. Also, what is your main reason for having an AP (just one reason)? Does she fulfil this requirement?

There are some good APs out there - I currently have one (after my previous bad one before) who is wonderful and a real help with LOs, including the baby.

Simply my prev bad AP was like that, just leaving things and then forgetting to do them. It used to bug me so much. She couldn't even unload the d/w and get dds to school in an hour and a half. Whereas current AP has everything done, kitchen clean, baby fed/dressed in an half an hour. It's so nice to leave for work with LOs happy and kitchen sparkling clean.

Simply - I don't have an au pair so forgive me if this is an ignorant question: I was under the impression an AP was there for childcare when you were not. If she is there alongside you then perhaps the lines of who is responsible are blurred - is she supposed to defer to you or is she to take charge of the DC's as is her job? Perhaps you ought to make that a bit clearer.

branflake...Ap's usually don't have that much sole childcare especially of under 3's. They're more to give you a helping hand around the house.

branflake It's not an ignorant question at all! I don't need an ap for much childcare really as my two are both teenagers but of course, dh and I can go out together in the evening when she is here and in charge. The ap job here is a lot of housework but as our ap discovered in her last ap job that she didn't like looking after young children, this was a preferred option.

MrsRecycle It's hard when people don't have that drive, isn't it?

Thank you everyone. Well, I spoke to my lovely agency yesterday and I'm going for a change-over at the end of June. Get a summer ap, then a longer-term one in september. I've given this one my best shot and it's just not working. However I don't want to shoot myself in my own foot hence keeping her till the end of June when dd2 will 3 months old and we're over the toughest baby stage. It may well be about communication and I do find it very hard to voice dissatisfaction upfront, just a wretched people-pleaser me! It's also harder when the language is weak as things get misinterpreted to be harsher than was meant. But as an example of what isn't OK between us: this evening she went to her evening language class at 5.30 as usual. I always cook for our aps and they eat with us, and I ask them to let me know if there is a change of plan or if they're going to be late etc etc. Well tonight the ap got back at 10.00, when usually she's back at 8.30. I was really cross that she hadn't had the courtesy to let me know she was going to be late, I just feel that it was quite disrespectful. OK she's older than me blah blah, but it is my house and I had cooked her supper and she simply didn't make any mention of being late, or sorry or anything. To me it's about simple manners in someone else's house. Very different if you usually fend for yourself in the evening. It's her attitude that I find really hard to deal with I think. So anyway I feel better that the decision has been made and put up with the negatives knowing that the end is in sight. We will have a younger ap next time!!

Really glad you've got a plan in place and that the lovely N could help you out.x

I second ingles2.