nanny or au pair plus, nanny or au pair plus ..I can't decide LONG sorry

[iheartdusty]

Our lovely nanny is leaving this summer and I am really in a dilemma about how to replace her.

DCs are now 6 and 4 so will both be in school after September. (DS only half days until Christmas, but I can cut down work dramatically until then).

I work on a freelance basis, so some weeks am out from 7am to 7pm on 3 - 4 days, and other weeks I may be at home for 3 days and home by 4pm the others. DH is out every weekday 7am-7.30pm.

I could afford to carry on paying a nanny - just about. For the past 3 years my earnings have almost entirely gone on childcare, and it would be nice to see some money in hand.

Childcare issues:

• there may sometimes be long hours of sole charge before & after school;

-my working hours are unpredictable so I need someone potentially 40 hours p/w;

• school holidays can be negotiated separately, I can in theory not work at all but this gets expensive;
• it is essential to be able to drive to school at least some of the time;
• housework needs to get done somehow, if I have an aupair I can afford a cleaner maybe even twice a week; but the priority is the DCs;
• DCs are reasonably well behaved children but sometimes are very demanding indeed, and DD in particular can be truly stroppy and rude;

-they are both quite emotional, they take things to heart and would not take easily to change; however they are also quite easy to please and respond well to any kind of interaction.

• we have room for a living in childcarer;
• nobody else in school class has either nanny or au pair, so someone unconfident might find it tricky, ie there is no 'culture' of it at school (other mums have been friendly to my present nanny but she has not always found it easy).

what shall i do?
am to-ing and fro-ing about the right solution.

well I guess it was a bit long..

Hiya... you're in a very similar position to me and I have an AP+...
Basically I pay AP £80 a week for 30 hours of mainly cleaning and helping at dinner time. As dh & I are both freelancers, each day that we are both working (and it's long hours) I pay an extra £10 a day during term time and £20 during the holidays.
We're rural so have to have a driver as well.
My tips are .... go for one of the old EU countries... the new ones, romania etc, the driving is pretty dreadful. go for someone over 21. And even though I'm now using APW, I would advise using an agency the 1st time.
You can CAT me if you need any more info... HTH's

btw,...no AP's or nannys in my village, everyones very nice tomy AP, but they can't wait to tell me what she's like with the kids

It sounds as if you need to be really flexible with your childcare so I think you would need a nanny. It sounds a bit much for an au pair imo. Is there any way you could get a before/after school nanny? A friend of mine has one of these but we live in London so not sure how common this is outside of London.

Am interested your thread, as I have the same dilemma with similar aged DCs. Our current nanny is so fab, but she never really wanted to do childcare, and I can't stand in her way of leaving! I have a friend who's gone for the au pair plus option and it's been a success, and I think you should do it. I live in a 3 bed semi and work from home, so I don't quite have the space. Try and go for someone a little older, and if you have the cash, keep it for 'bribes' to attract the right person to stay - driving lessons, bonuses etc.

At least DCs old enough to be robust if she turns out not to be Mary Poppins!

I searched for a nanny but as we're not in London found it impossible. TBH it's not that bad for an AP+ because dc's are at school all day. On the long days mine does 6-9am then 3.30-7.30. So they still have plenty of time off, it's not all the time, one week it might be 3 long days the next week, no extra and they can still go to college.

thanks for replies, those are encouraging.

Starlady, I like the idea of topping up with 'bribes'. I reckon you & ingles2 are right, if I can get an older (maybe experienced?) AP+ I can offer to pay a bit over the odds to get the right person.

(I scan the 'find an AP' threads avidly on MN so ingles2, I have felt your pain in the AP/nanny department!)

Thanks dusty
bribes definitely go a long way, even just little things like giving them the afternoon off. I also give petrol money, money for treats that sort of thing. I've had a couple of really good AP's over the last couple of years (and a few disasters, but we'll gloss over them..) and the good thing about a live in from my point of view is that when you have an unpredictable job and the kids aren't sure from one week to the next if you're at home, the AP carries on with their routine as normal

We are in the same position - same age kids..but we are making choice between before/after school clubs and au pair because we only need cover 8.30-5.45.
No advice, just sympathy

Another freelancer here!

I'm with ingles on the bribes as well - I give money for their phone, flights home, etc but only when behaviour dictates it. I've found the Scandanivians to be good but its early days with my Finnish who seems to be working out really well.

Your DCs sound like mine - very loving and affectionate but also very independant. My dd2 is a very stroppy girl as well and I will be honest in saying that we have lost a few APs because of her (their loss though!). The current AP has a sister her age and seems to be able to handle her very well. But it you go for someone who doesn't have any younger brothers and sisters I've found them unable to deal with dd2. Having said that, last AP had a younger sister but just could not deal with her. But then there were other problems as well.

I always have on my list of questions to applicants of APW - "dd2 likes to say "No" alot, how would you deal with her?" And once I receive a reply, I expand on her exact behaviour.

In costing up After School and AP, the AP is actually more expensive BUT you do have the convenience of someone being able to look after LOs if you are stuck on the M25 (as I am most nights!).

Hope this helps.

MrsRecycle that is extremely helpful.
a bit alarming that "we have lost a few APs because of her"! (although as you say, their loss surely). How do you avoid causing your DD to feel that it is her fault if an au pair leaves? And do you find that your Dcs cope Ok with a quick turnover?

my checklist is getting more nuanced by the day. Younger siblings -check; visa status - check; driving licence - check; etc!

fortunately we live close to Brighton so a popular place to be.

If an AP is used to LOs of her age they will know that the first few weeks she tests their patience/boundaries. Once the two weeks are up, the respect is there. Its just getting to these two weeks that is the hardest.

TBH, now that she is a bit older (has had APs since she was 3 and is now 7) we do try and be honest and let her know the reason why AP isn't staying and she takes it in her stride.

In terms of quick turnover, they don't bat an eyelid. There was one AP who they loved to pieces but was totally useless (never came home at night, let her bf stay over, left the house is mess, etc....) and I let her go after two weeks and they only asked once and that was it. The good thing is that they are still in contact with most of their old APs and everyone of them they still "miss" and talk about. It certainly makes them a lot more worldly and grown-up.

We see the AP experience as giving them a big sister and they now have a few of them scattered over the world.

If an AP is used to LOs of her age they will know that the first few weeks she tests their patience/boundaries. Once the two weeks are up, the respect is there. Its just getting to these two weeks that is the hardest.

TBH, now that she is a bit older (has had APs since she was 3 and is now 7) we do try and be honest and let her know the reason why AP isn't staying and she takes it in her stride.

In terms of quick turnover, they don't bat an eyelid. There was one AP who they loved to pieces but was totally useless (never came home at night, let her bf stay over, left the house is mess, etc....) and I let her go after two weeks and they only asked once and that was it. The good thing is that they are still in contact with most of their old APs and everyone of them they still "miss" and talk about. It certainly makes them a lot more worldly and grown-up.

We see the AP experience as giving them a big sister and they now have a few of them scattered over the world.

oops wireless a bit flakey....

We have an older ap +, she's 54. we're paying her £100 a week and she has her own car. We live in the sticks so a driver is essential. I thought at first that she was going to be great but she is not as good as first impressions indicated. Having thought that an older ap was a fantastic idea, I would now chose the younger option. Energy and dynamism is crucial imo when you're dealing with younger children. Our one spends most of her time hovering like a mother hen over the dcs when they are fine playing by themselves, meaning that nothing else gets done at all. We are paying more than we have paid our previous aps and are getting considerably less in return. She gets huffy if I ask her to do something a different way, her English comprehension is much worse than I realised at first, but she is reluctant to explore other language classes I have found for her saying she's nervous about driving etc etc and despite having a daily schedule written up in the kitchen she pays no attention to it whatsoever which I find infuriating. My dh reckons that she finds it hard taking "orders" from us. She never goes out, using her age as the reason why - " I am not 20, it is very hard for me ..." To be fair she keeps to her room but she is still around all weekend when it would be nice to have our small house to ourselves. However I need her for the time being so will probably ride it out till the end of the summer. I know it's rather negative but anyway that's my pennies-worth for you ...!!

Oh no cloudberry - I don't think its an age thing - she sounds just like my last AP who was 22! I thought her English was excellent - it was, speaking wise but she couldn't understand what you were saying to her.

Like you, I needed mine for the time being, but now I've replaced her with a brilliant 17 year old I wish I'd done it sooner. A weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Its so so nice to have someone who follows my routine and gets everything down in time, rather than just lulling around following me and watching over not doing anything.

Could anyone recommend an au pair (or au pair agency). I have never had one before, but with number three arriving in 10 days, i am panicking about how to cope at bath time with 3 under 3! I don't relish the thought of having a complete stranger living with us the whole time - but looking at the costs and potential upsides of an au pair, i can't see any other solution... any top tips or advice would be very welcome!