MIL WWYD

[Tadah2]

Hi, thank you for reading.

This is not a MIL bashing thread, I would just love some advice. My MIL is lovely, she has dropped a day at work to help look after my youngest. She looked after my eldest for half a day, once a week when DS was younger. This was always at my house and I was always within earshot. My issue is that some of her decisions when looking after my DS I wasn’t happy with, these include:

• cutting the hedges and leaving 1 year old inside alone
• leaving knives out
• not following my DS. Whenever I was round her house if I ever followed DS she would say ‘you are up and down like a yo-yo leave them they are fine’.
• when she looked after DS for an afternoon at her house she remarked ‘you’ll never guess what DS turned the hob on and we didn’t even realise until the evening’. Another was ‘DS got into the cabinet under the sink and chewed the mop, I’m pretty sure there was no bleach on it’

For these reasons I pretty swiftly stopped her looking after DS and he is now only looked after by nursery and I feel more comfortable with that. I went on maternity leave and said not to worry. But MIL has now dropped a day at work, already confirmed this with work, to look after DC2. She wants to look after DC2 at her house. She is lovely but incredibly sensitive. I’ve mentioned before that she needed to watch DS more but her behaviour didn’t change, so perhaps I was too subtle e.g. please put all knives away as DS likes to pick them up or please follow DS everywhere as he will get into everything.

WWYD - any advice very welcome. I really don’t want it to happen, but she’s already dropped a day and I don’t want it to seem I am favouring my side (who plan on looking after DC2 for half a day)

I think you have to be completely honest with her and point out all the things that are not safe. She might be offended but that is far less important than the safety of your child. What else is in the cupboard under the sink, if there's a mop are there also cleaning products your child can get hold of?

Lie and say you want nursery so it’s consistent.

"Sorry MiL, your house isn't baby proof. Not to worry, we've already sorted nursery for the days we needed."

Honestly it's admirable of you to be worrying about her sensitivities but you cannot let her look after your young children, she is a danger to them no question.
There's a line from a poem thing comes to my mind - speak your truth quietly and well. In other words I think you can be clear without making a huge deal out of it. Sorry MIL, we love you but you still leave knives out and dangerous chemicals accessible, so we're not leaving the children with you. You have to have your relationship with them while we are also there.
She's not competent. I look after my precious granddaughter and I'm on her tail like a hawk, if anything ever happened to her in my care I'd never, ever forgive myself and I can't understand your MIL not feeling that. It's borderline negligent. Or not even borderline!
You are doing the right thing and you've got nothing to apologise for.

Will you get 15 hours funded just tell you want to use a nursery / childminder to access this funding .
Did the cupboard have dishwasher tablets or washing capsules in it ? A common cause of poisoning with children. She is not up to the job.

Did she drop a day at work without asking whether you wanted her to have the child that day?

If so, that's on her and she should have checked with you first- don't be pressured by her saying that she's already taken the time off.

I am pretty laid back about parenting but no way would I leave a young child with someone who doesn't supervise them properly.

If a nursery or childminder did those things they'd be rightly in trouble for it!

You just say sorry I no idea you intended to look after new baby. Unfortunately we are already sorted in terms of childcare as we prefer a consistent setting this time around.

If she pushes then get into how unsafe her house is. But she should accept explanation above if she respects your boundaries.

Do not let MIL look after DC2. You had to stop her from looking after DC1 because she wasn’t safe - why on earth would you contemplate letting her look after DC2?? Just because she wants to look after your child doesn’t ,wan you have to let her - you are the responsible adult here, and would you actually feel OK walking away and leaving a baby in a house unsupervised, or with knives out? Just no.