MIL babysitting

[ThatGutsyHedgehog]

I have a 3 month old baby and will have to return to work when they are 12 months old.
My mother in law is very keen to do childcare when I go back to work but I’m concerned she isn’t fit enough and wondered what people thought.

When we have been round to visit she struggles to get on/ off the floor to play with the baby. She also has a bad shoulder so isn’t keen to pick him up. He is big for 3 months but will obviously be bigger at 1.
She seems to just want to sit and hold him which he isn’t very keen on already let alone at 1!

Do you think she will manage?
Im concerned she won’t and also isn’t showing any insight

Nope not a chance is this a good idea. Year olds need someone who is able to jump up and stop them from doing mad toddler things, because they will be into everything - especially if walking by then.

Pay for proper childcare and let MIL look after him for an hour or two at the weekends. You’re just asking for trouble with this.

No, don’t start this it won’t end well. Thank her profusely and book a childminder.

How old is she?

Even if she's only 50, it's not good that she can't get up and down from the floor.

A one year old needs someone able to run about and pick them up quickly if needs be.

@Dacadactyl shes in her 50s

The other issue I have is my mum is physically capable of doing childcare she’s very fit. So I would want to do a combination of nursery and my mum doing a couple of afternoons which I know will be harder for MIL to accept. But I feel it’s better for my baby to not just be in nursery and have some 1 to 1 attention.
any ideas how to break the news to MIL?

Sorry OP, but this isn’t going to work for any of you. Recipe for disaster, or at least a lot of stress on your part!
I strongly suggest you arrange other childcare, then if MIL wants to help out for shorter periods e.g. at the weekend to give you a bit of time, then you can see how it goes nearer the time. But for the purposes of you going back to work, you need to know everyone is safe.

Can you give her the 'role' of back up? So when DC/your mum is ill...

I'd just be honest and say you're really grateful she's wanting to help but that you think it's too much for her on a regular basis what with her shoulder issue etc.

Surely this is when your DP needs to have a direct, firm and sympathetic conversation with her? "Mum, we really appreciate the offer and would love you to spend time with the baby like this but we just don't think it' srealistic. By then the baby will be a lot bigger, moving around, walking (or almost) and I really don't know that you're going to be able to keep up. What about if we just make sur eto visit more or perhaps you could have baby for an hour or two at our house occasionally?"

Having said that, MIL never wanted to do childcare but there were a few awkward moments for similar reasons. But luckily we were able to stick with the odd short period or just ignore the issue and, to be honest, I don't thin she was desperate to do it as she wasn't oblivious to how frail she was.

So I would want to do a combination of nursery and my mum doing a couple of afternoons which I know will be harder for MIL to accept
does she need to know? Just say the baby is at childcare. Or just talk about nursery, she doesn’t need a full break down of your week. The fact she wants to do childcare but isn’t thinking about what’s best for the baby (safety, someone able to move around and interact with them), and just what’s best for her (wanting to sit still and hold them) would annoy me to be honest.
if you get on with her just make sure she still sees them regularly, but you can be there, or not leave them very long with her.

I think your MIL will come to realise nearer the time how impractical it is.

i would make different arrangements but be very tactful, I have limited mobility and would love to look after my grandchildren but I know it’s out the question doesn’t stop it hurting though. I babysit occasionally to help out with my other daughter with me to do the heavy lifting, I have done the odd shift with other nanny as well. It’s not what I want but it’s better than nothing and I feel I’m doing something to help.

make arrangements with your mum/nursery, and tell Mil that you haven’t worked out how to split the days yet. Nearer the time you might need a realistic chat with her but as I say, she will probably have worked it out for herself.

explain that there is still a lot she can do, I help by doing crafts at the table so DIL can have free time, or we cook or just snuggle with the tv. Just gives DIL a break and I feel a little useful

its also important to remember that the 1 year old will soon be 18 months and then 2, if she can’t manage at 1 she will definitely not manage at 2 !

I am a limited mobility grandmother and there is no way I'll be able to look after DGS3 when he is born this summer let alone when he is a year old. You can only be as tactful as possible and hope your MIL recognises her lack of ability!

I'd make her your evening babysitter if she's up for that. They're always my favourite babysitters because you get proper quality time out rather than work (although we don't have any family childcare for work) and it's def for your partner to speak to his mum on this

Yes just to echo @dreadisabaddog - I went back to work FT and have work covered but ZERO help to have a life outside work! Someone for an hour or two while you go to the gym or for the evening so you and DH can go for a meal - that's massively helpful and probably more manageable for her. Be grateful for the support and let her down gently x