Nanny won't enforce any boundaries with a toddler

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Whenever I ask my nanny to enforce some boundaries with my toddler (eg. Eat lunch then go for a nap as opposed to skip lunch, skip nap and just play / put a hat on when it's freezing cold outside / come back from the playground at a certain time for lunch and nap), she often doesn't do it and responds with "I suggested it but your daughter didn't want to". In the rare case that she does enforce some boundaries it's "mummy said you need to leave the playground now" as opposed to just "it's time to go home" or "mummy said you need to wear a hat" as opposed to "it's cold outside, you need to be wearing a hat". So instead of presenting a united front Mummy is always bad cop.

I've spoken to her about it and her reasoning is always "I just don't want to upset her". Essentially there are no rules when my daughter is with her nanny. What more can I do?

This version is quite different to the other one you posted!

@Moobz how so, except that it's shorter? It's exactly the same

The other one went into the detail of how strict you are down to the 2-3 mins play allowed and so on, and all the comments agreed you were being too strict.

Enforcing unreasonable boundaries seems to be the issue here based on your past post

Why do you keep creating new posts about the same thing?

I created a post with a shorter version and less outing details.
I am by no means a strict parent and that was never the question, I am simply asking how to deal with a nanny not following instructions aside from firing her, because I'd like to try make it work before she loses her job

No, you created a post removing the key issues as you were previously told you were being too strict

You are definitely a strict and rigid parent according to your last post, you'd be crazy to sack someone who is great with your child but doesn't put her ponytail under her hat and so on and so on.

Top and bottom of it is if you're not happy and she won't conform to your strict rules just sack her she is not for you.

I was about to say just get a new nanny because she sounds rubbish, but I haven't read the other thread so obviously don't have the full story!

Right? Me too!

IME with nannies the key is to hire someone who is on the same page as you and then trust them to make decisions as the day goes on. So my nannies have always been on the same page with food (whole foods), discipline (firm boundaries) and also around the things that can be dropped if needs be (messy play is fine, bit of mess in the house is ok). Life is too short to micromanage.

But it needs to be at that kind of level - big ticket, important items. So you need to ask yourself if you're trying to micro manage them to an unnecessary level of detail

I nannied for a while for parents that had all sorts of rules that didn’t matter. It was constantly a battle with the kids, and if I enforced the rules I was stressed, kids were stressed and the parents saw that their children weren’t happy with me. If I didn’t enforce the rules (and children were still happy healthy and well cared for) the parents felt I wasn’t listening to them. I left because it was ridiculous in the end. But nanny’s are always balancing this tightrope

What is she meant to do? She can’t say that you have said, because you don’t like that, so how exactly can she enforce her non existent authority. Also do you really need all the rules you’ve put into place? What realistically happens if those rules don’t exist?

"Let's go home, it's time for your lunch" is better than "mum said we have to leave the playground"

"It's cold outside so you need to put your hat on" makes more sense and explains the reasoning better than "mum said you can't go outside without a hat"

The way she phrases it all sounds like she's trying to avoid at all costs doing anything my daughter might not want aka permissive parenting

But your post sounds like she says
‘lets go home it’s time for lunch’ and your child said no. Then she said we have to, that’s your mums rules.
which I agree isn’t ideal but if it works it works?
also how do you know exactly what is said? You’re presumably not there.

what do you do when you ask your child to do things and she says no? Perhaps you could advise your nanny on that so she feels like she knows what works and what level of authority you are happy with

OP I agree with you.

I said this on your other thread. You pay the nanny so you make the rules.
None of what you are asking her to do is unreasonable.

Your DD needs boundaries and she also needs the adults in her life to be on the same page.

You may need to engage a new nanny, if a simple discussion doesn't lead to a satisfactory resolution.

"Let's go home, it's time for your lunch" is better than "mum said we have to leave the playground"

So how much flexibility is there is the schedule? If they are engrossed in play do they have to leave to a rigid schedule or can they stay at the park for an extra 15-20 mins until the play ends? Surely the benefit of having a nanny is that you are not on a rigid/institutional schedule.

"It's cold outside so you need to put your hat on" makes more sense and explains the reasoning better than "mum said you can't go outside without a hat"

What sort of temperatures are you talking about?

has this thread been deleted or something? I'm struggling to follow what's going on!

Yeah multiple threads, and deleted

From your remarks here, the one that jumps out is the fear behind the phrase "that's permissive parenting".

You need to address your fear. I think you see yourself as holding the line against anarchy or chaos or some vital principle of law and order, and if the child veers two inches off piste, the end of the world is nigh. It makes for a very adversarial experience of parenting and being a child.

FYI, and I'm saying this to be helpful to you as a parent - there is a vast difference between boundaries and rules.

A rule is when you have a strict idea of what is supposed to happen in some situation, and there is usually a solid reason behind it - for instance, washing hands when we come in from outdoors, eating at the table, saying please and thank you, buckling up in the car, not writing on the walls, being gentle with pets...

A rule can be arbitrary too - "When I say it's time to stop playing and go home for lunch, you must stop playing and go home for lunch." All that sort of rule accomplishes is to get the child used to obedience and indulge a taste for willy waving on the part of the parent. You set the child up for an experience of disempowerment because of your own unaddressed fear.

A boundary is knowing where you end and other people begin. You do not appear to know where you end and the nanny begins, and arbitrary rules are examples of the same problem.

You sound like you're helicoptering both the child and the childminder

Speak openly with the childminder

The key thing here being routine - hopefully you're not too extreme in your approach e.g. lunch must be at 12pm on the dot and at the table and can't leave until everything has eaten! But saying 'I don't mind what you do but please stick to a routine - lunch between 11.30 and 12.30, down for nap between 1pm and 1.30pm, woken at 3pm' is totally fine to ask for and it is important to follow a routine with children.

It doesn't really matter if she takes a picnic out to have the lunch or has it at home etc, but regular meal times are important as is the approach to this - letting her know 'lunch in 5 mins' then sitting for some food - not 'mummy says' like it's a chore.

If she can't do that I'd get rid of her

Regards hats etc - different horses. A lot of people will have an approach that if the child keeps taking the hat off to leave it off and they'll realise naturally that they're cold without and choose to wear hat in future - or they won't and therefore they're obviously fine without it.

The structure of the day and communicating would be my main focus point

I didn't see the other threads

What weather temp

How old is child

And yes nanny could word things better

There were multiple threads - but this latest one has a lot of the information removed.

I think it comes down to the OP wants to micromanage the nanny - down to the minutes allowed for activities and stupid stuff like the ponytail must be under the hat ....

Very useful to read this. Was about to tell OP Nanny would need to go but clearly OP is manipulating the truth.

Hate micromanaging

Either trust your nanny or do it yourself

Thankfully none of my families micromanaged - all lovely and left me to it

You must have trusted your nanny in the first place, so continue to trust her now. Leave her to it. As long as the child is safe and happy, don't try and play nanny too. It doesn't work, and will result in your nanny feeling uncomfortable and then leaving.