Nanny activities with 3 year old and 8 month old

[TwoGirlsAndOneDog]

We have a nanny three days per week for our 8 month old baby. She also looks after our 3 year old one day per week. What activities would you usually expect a nanny to do with children of these ages?

On the day where our nanny has both children, she generally takes them into town for “coffee”/shopping, they go to the library for rhyme time and then home for lunch/3 year old’s nap (baby naps on the go) and playtime in the afternoon. Would you expect some more formal “educational” activities, arts and crafts etc?

On days where she has baby only, they occasionally go to baby groups etc but often go out to see nanny’s friends, have lunch etc. We are trying to get baby to sleep in her crib more often (moving on from
co-sleeping at night) but she is napping in the baby carrier when out.

Feel like they’re doing more “parent” things (hanging out, just spending time together) than “childcare provider” things.

AIBU or am I expecting more than is usual?

I wouldn't worry about the naps. Babies can nap wherever. If she (or you for that matter) tries to be at home for all naps it gets very restrictive and you'll never leave the house which is no good for anyone. It won't make much difference to what you do at bedtime. That's a whole different routine and a longer sleep. Personally I'd want my three year old out and about more than naps in a specific place. Plus it's better for you if baby is flexible and can nap/sleep anywhere ultimately so you aren't tied to home and a very specific set up. Can make going out/away/on holiday very difficult with children if they won't sleep anywhere but their cot with a white noise machine and blackout blinds for example.

I'm a nanny and I have never taken the children out to see my childless friends for lunch! I don't think that's an appropriate activity. Other nannies and their children or parents and their children, yes. If they happen to also be friends then so much the better.

I think a coffee for half an hour before going to rhyme time/playgroup is great, but not spending hours in a coffee shop with no other kids. Doing a small supermarket shop or shopping for the children is also a good activity. If she's taking them clothes shopping for herself or something then that's not on.

I wouldn't expect her to be doing something necessarily 'educational' on her one day a week with the three year old, but would expect her to provide a stimulating environment and lots of chat. It is possible to do this very well with a trip to a coffee shop, a supermarket, the library and playing at home. It depends on how good a nanny she is really!

Don't be afraid to organise an activity for her on some days or give her a list of things you'd like her to do with the kids in the coming weeks and let her decide what to do/when. Or, this is probably the best option, discuss your concerns with her and see what she says.

Everything you do with children where they're being chatted with, told what's happening, told how to behave, given feedback, and where they end up with a good relationship with the caregiver, an idea of how to behave out and about, and decent vocabulary is an educational activity.

My DCs "helped" me clean, with baby wipes. They did not "help" me bake - tried that once and never did it again. That sort of malarkey is fine for Instagram but not for real life.
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They spent a lot of time doing grocery shopping. My oldest DC learned the names of all the streets we passed along the way to the supermarket where I shopped the most, and could identify nearly all the brands of cars on the roads. Her next younger sibling was usually napping in the carseat while all of this was going on.

All the younger children napped in their carseats and in the stroller, and they ate many a meal and snack on the go, too. Only the oldest had the luxury of meals in the kitchen and naps in the crib. She also had the luxury of trips to local pet supply shops to see the birds, lizards, mice, etc, that they sold there because DC2 used to wheeze in pet supply shops...

It's easy to feel your children are being short changed if you're not there with them all the time, if you've hired someone to do what you imagine you'd do if you didn't have to work. But the reality for SAHMs and their children is often extremely humdrum. I had laundry to do, and groceries to list and buy and schlep up to the apartment amd put away and cook. I had an apartment to clean and keep tidy, bathroom to scrub, shoes and clothes to buy. My DCs tagged along with me if I needed a new swimsuit or a can of paint or if anyone needed a new pair of sandals.

As an upside, they loved preschool when they went - the stories, the art, the classroom toys, the two or three hours a day spent with their little friends and their ever so patient and kind teachers. They knew how to follow instructions, quiet down, share, etc, by the time they went because their lives hadn't been full of activities centered fully on them, and they had been taken places (including church for an hour once a week) where they were expected to modify their behaviour and practise their manners.

A children's centre or church stay and play session? Soft play?

I agree with most of what you’ve said, and my kids do join in the “humdrum” stuff when they are with me and my husband. 3 year old loves the supermarket and think baby does too! She also loves “helping” and, apart from a slight issue with excited volume control, knows perfectly well how to behave in public settings - but that’s all from us as a family/nursery as nanny has only been with us for a couple of months.

The difference in my mind is that nannies don’t (for the most part) have to fit the humdrum into their time with the children. They get to do their own life admin outside of work in the same way as people with most other jobs. I don’t invite my mates over when I’m working, so not sure how it’s different? Nanny also doesn’t have the interrupted sleep that I have with baby so gets to come into the day fully rested.

And, whilst I appreciate that there is some humdrum to do for the children (cooking, laundry, tidying up after activities etc), it’s still centred around the children.

For the above reasons, I think there’s a huge difference between what’s expected of a SAHM where you have life and children to manage in the same time and being a nanny where your work time should be about the children only.

@TwoGirlsAndOneDog your kids should definitely always be the primary focus, but sometimes these random things can be entertaining and educational for kids. Sitting in a coffee shop for an extended time is probably not that interesting.

This thread reminded me of lots of trips to big shops with little kids in the shopping trolley delighted to look at displays of toys or decorations. We also went to the pet supply shop because they had tropical fish, small mammals and a whole wall of cats at the back who were available for adoption. And my most random one, we used to go to the airport and ride the airport shuttle train between terminals so we could see the planes. The kids loved it. We did stuff like this if the weather wasn’t great.

I was always happy to bring kids to fun places if the parents paid! It wasn’t cheap and not in my budget.

I think there's an idea that children need entertainment or enrichment, and anything that seems to an adult to be boring or ordinary or quotidien comes across as the same to children. This is not necessarily the case.

I know children who sighed, "Not again Mum..." when she suggested yet another trip to the zoo one summer, and children who opted for an afternoon of "doing mum's hair" on the couch over the nature walk she was sure they'd enjoy, children who spent many a happy hour 'painting' in their back garden with old paintbrushes and a bucket of water on a sunny day. Their idea...

I agree with what you are thinking mostly - I wouldn't want all naps at home at present but that's because I imagine once they are both on 1 nap that will be easier, now would take up most the day!

Have a chat - I love that the kids go out with you all morning but would like it to be at a child centred place, appreciate its cold right now so shall I book membership to the local soft play? Then they can go there regular - and suggest occasional things like a pottery room/build a bear/other perhaps every couple of months.

Personally I'd push crafty stuff at home once 3 yo on no naps so the younger is having a nap and they can focus, as setting up/supervising etc may not be practical, but there are crafty activities they can do out the house in the meantime

Once a month max for just going out for lunch with friends as it isn't child centred

When she only had the three yr old one day, no I wouldn't expect a full day of basically nursery activities being provided. If you have different expectations than what are being provided, then maybe actually talk to her? Your idea of what is expected and someone else's may be very different. What she's doing wouldn't bother me in the slightly, it obviously bothers you so do something about it.

The day with the 3 year old sounds fine to me. They may also be doing more in the library then you realise. If we went for rhymetime we would also read books and do colouring / papercrafts (our library has a table of stuff out all the time). That would have been enough structured activities for mine at 3, so all they would want to do is play at home in the afternoon.

The cafe trip with the toddler and baby sounds -like hell on earth- like it is more for the kids, so the toddler can learn appropriate behaviour in public space. I wouldn't have taken them shopping, but that very much depends if they called in one shop to get something they needed or if the kids were traipsing round while nanny picked out a new wardrobe.

However, your the one employing her. If you want the baby to nap at home or the toddler to do crafts, just tell her. She's not a mind reader

you’re thinking of education in its narrowest sense when in-fact it’s much wider. Day to day activities offer important education through social engagement, routines, visiting shops, real life experiences and so on. Maybe your Dd could be helped to pay for somethings (her own drink?) and recognise coins or notes as and when they are used.

Rhythm and rhyme in the library will be sociable for both kids. Just ask nanny to help dd3 pick, take out and return books each week too.

at 3 years learning should be through child led play and that seems to be what’s happening in the afternoons. All play is creative in that it requires imagination. If DD would like to do crafts then set up a craft space and put out paints, glue, materials, scissors before you leave.

I like slings but it maybe time for the baby to move onto pushchairs

I think you are absolutely fine to push for more child centred activities but it can be a mixture of activities. So more baby and toddler groups so that she makes many friends with similar aged kids. That way when the weather improves they can all go to the park for a picnic together or take turns to host at each others (your!) homes so babies can nap better (might be a buggy nap but at least in a quiet room). This does mean your house can feel a bit like a crèche some days but it was lovely for my kids to have a band of local kids to mooch around with in a home setting with little small group birthday teas and ad hoc trips to local attractions like the circus or the fun fair.
I’d not be happy with tons of childless coffees. Once a fortnight fine or a catch up while pushing the baby on the swings but she’s at work not there to socialise. but this ultimately comes down to you knowing what you want and laying out the ground rules. If you don’t give her structure then some people will do whatever is easiest for themselves.

I did like home naps for my older two (but they were twins so it did make sense). My youngest had more buggy naps but wasn’t a great day sleeper so was on to one nap fairly sharpish.

You don’t seem to have ever chatted with your nanny about how this was going to work

how long has she worked for you

Thanks everyone. Sorry if not clear from my original post, but the purpose of me posting was to find out what’s “usual” so that I can speak to our nanny about what’s expected and for me not to be unreasonable in my expectations during that discussion. I’m not just having a moan ;)

I think part of the difficulty is that we relied to a large extent on nanny telling us what she does rather than us telling her what we want. Perhaps not unusual given that she’s been a nanny for a while whilst this is our first experience of employing a nanny!?

I talk to her all of the time about what they’re doing with their days (hence knowing that they hang out with nanny’s friends) and have asked them to do specific activities. However, I wasn’t expecting to have to arrange or specify all of the activities given nanny’s level of experience and familiarity with the local area?! Surely part of the role is for her to set the activities and then ask if we’re ok with them?

Also, very much agree that life is educational which is partly why I put “educational” in inverted commas in the first place ie. to mean educational in a more narrow sense of the word. The kids get life education all of the time with us and I would expect this to continue with nanny as well as more focussed/child centred activities?! It’s not an either/or situation but worry that there hasn’t been enough of a mix of life vs child centred.

I would tie in baby's nap with 3yr

So for that age 9/10 nap prob in car /buggy going to an activity

Then 1-3 both at home asleep

Once baby in a routine then good to sleep elsewhere so gets used to transfer to buggy to car to cot etx

Nannies are sociable / I always said I was one. Go out and see people /have friends with similar age children

It's good for kids to have nice table manners and Learn to eat nicely but equally she works 3 days so lunch out one day and 2 in the home

I'm not a crafty nanny (or mummy) and yes by the time you set up an activity /craft then tidy it takes more time then the activity

toddler does it for 5mins then bored

Talk to your nanny

Many activities require pre-registration or booking, or they cost money and the carer is expected to pay admission too.

A nanny shouldn't be expected to be out of pocket for an activity, or to use her name to register children who are not her own for an activity.

If there are activities you're interested in that need booking or registration, you will need to do that for the nanny, and if an activity comes with a charge, you need to provide the money or the cc that she can use rather than assuming she can cover it and you can reimburse. You need to pay her entrance fees, etc. too.

It's likely that she has ended up being burned by previous employers who queried costs of activities or extras that she paid for during those activities - a trip to the zoo where a child had something to eat or drink or a small toy from the gift shop, or an outing where she was expected to cover her own admission charge, etc.

I don’t think lunch with childless friends is appropriate. Because the nanny will doubtless be focused on chatting to her friend rather than focused on your child.

Basically I don’t think it really matters what the nanny does with the children as long as she is focusing on them and interacting with them. And also that they aren’t spending too long in the buggy as they need to be able to crawl/toddle etc (very frequent shopping trips would concern me for this reason)

Of course nannies do meet up with other nannies with similar age charges and have a chat , but at least the children are benefiting too in that scenario. Not so much in your lunch with friends scenario.

Find some activities you want her to do ...baby swimming, signing, etc and tell her to go then......

What would you be doing with them? I would expect something more positive with the three year old - directed play, puzzles, story time. I used to do cooking with mine eg a packet cake mix. A bit of finger painting or water play?

For me usual would be:

A mix of child centered and less child centered activities each day.

The not child centered activities would be, mostly, for the children/family. This would include, school runs, laundry, tidying up, cooking, shopping etc. I will pick up a few things for myself if needed and in the supermarket, I might collect something if we're passing the relevant shop etc. A few times a year I might attend a doctor's appointment or visit the bank, an errand for myself that takes more than a few minutes. I would usually inform the parents of this.

Each day will involve at least one child centered trip out and one activity at home (or occasionally no trip out and more things at home). Within this trip there may well be times, where appropriate ,where I'm chatting to other people and the child is entertaining themselves. At home, they will have my 100% attention. I do more formal educational activities but this is because I work very full time hours and the child doesn't go to pre-school, I'm providing early years education as part of the package. I probably wouldn't do this if I had the child one day a week and they were attending pre-school/nursery. It is my job to observe the child and their needs and interests and plan activities and trips accordingly. I wouldn't expect, or want, parents to plan for me. I don't want or need to be micromanaged.

Each day also includes a period of free play, where they're left to play by themselves, under their own steam. This is usually while I'm cooking/tidying up, but sometimes just while I'm having a cup of tea.

I think all of these parts of the day are of benefit to the child. The structured, adult-led activities and play, the activities that don't revolve around them and the time, space and facilities to entertain themselves. I'd expect a mix of all three from any half decent nanny.

I would consider looking for another nanny. From my experience you either love your nanny and feel incredibly grateful and lucky to have her/him, or (sadly, more frequently) have a slight feeling of regret or even unease about the whole situation (perhaps something you can't put your finger on at the time, so you end up casting about for reasons).

You're entirely right to call out the mum things. Personally, I wanted a nanny who was better at doing things with my children than I was. Your nanny sounds lazy. I don't think talking about it ever helps, because the right nanny would already be doing the things you want her to, and some you hadn't know you wanted her to.

For the above reasons, I think there’s a huge difference between what’s expected of a SAHM where you have life and children to manage in the same time and being a nanny where your work time should be about the children only.

^ completely agree OP. I think she's taking the piss and it's largely nanny-centred and your two are along for the ride. Rhyme time is 30 mins so around that should be park or somewhere else that is specifically of interest to children, not a social for her and her friends.