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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Am I letting them down

29 replies

FHLINonna · 30/11/2023 17:40

I am fortunate to have a lovely relationship with both of my children and their families. However I am really afraid that what I need to try and sort out will change this and I’m really reluctant to say anything. I would be grateful for any kind advise.
When my DIL returned to work I sat down with them both and agreed that I would look after my grandchild for one day a week and they would go to a childminder for 3 days, my son works a 4 day week and I would be free for emergencies, sickness etc.
This started well but my grandchild did not get on well at the childminder. They were unhappy, wouldn’t eat, cried and generally were very unsettled. So after giving it a really good time to settle down, they were losing weight and it was obviously very upsetting for everyone so they took them out of that situation, a decision I was absolutely pleased with.
I stepped up as emergency cover whilst they found another option…..
However that was 10 months ago and I am still looking after them for 4 days a week, 11hours a day, I am exhausted, truly so exhausted I go to bed so early, to get up at 5.30.
We go out and about at least once a week to either, library, museum, soft play, we bake and paint and we love books together.
I want to say, I can’t keep doing this, but I’m scared about the alternative and will I be letting them down.
what will happen to the relationship if I say I can no longer do all these days.
Does anyone have any advice as to how this situation may be addressed without upsetting anyone. Thankyou

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RaininSummer · 30/11/2023 17:44

I think you have amazingly kind and helpful but this situation is not fair on you and you did step in as a stopgap so I think they have been rather cheeky to just let it ride. Give them a deadline ... Maybe from early January to give them time to find nursery or child minder. I am 60 and that much childcare would kill me although I actually still work full time.

Original poster

FHLINonna · 30/11/2023 17:46

Thankyou for your reply, I feel partly to blame for not saying anything. There is obviously a cost implication for them as well, obviously I don’t charge. Thankyou

OP posts:

fedupandstuck · 30/11/2023 17:48

It would be very disappointing if your relationship with your own child is affected by how much childcare you provide for them.

Does your son know that you are unwell? Does he know that you get up at 5.30am in order to care for your grandchild??

They must know that they are asking a huge amount from you. I think you must start laying the ground work for cutting back the days that you do. Tell your son about your poor health and that although you love spending time with your grandchild it is not sustainable for much longer. So, in a few months time you will only do 1 day, and they need to find a nursery or different childminder for the other days.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/11/2023 17:49

I think any decent person would be grateful and understand. It’s not sustainable. Have they put any effort into looking at other childcare options, perhaps a nursery? You’ve saved them loads as it is.

Sleepimpossible · 30/11/2023 17:51

It is too much for you. I couldn’t do that much childcare for my grandchildren. I think you’ll just have to be honest with your son and DIL and hopefully they will understand especially as you originally committed to just one day. It must feel very difficult for you though, I do understand. Could your grandchild maybe do mornings at nursery and then you do the afternoons as a compromise? At least that way you’d avoid the early starts.

GreatGateauxsby · 30/11/2023 17:54

10 months is disgraceful

They are taking advantage and should be embarrassed...

LastChristmasIgaveyoumyTart · 30/11/2023 17:56

You just have to be honest and say they need to sort out their childcare situation. Ok so he didn’t settle with the childminder but in most areas there are lots of other options. I have three very good nurseries within easy distance of my house and I live quite rurally. The other option is one or both of them cutting their hours.
First decide what you are able to offer, i.e. one day a week, then ask for them both to come round for a chat.

desperatemum24 · 30/11/2023 17:56

This is on them, they should have sorted something by now. I'd ask them to sort it for January. It's really not fair on you.

Wallywobbles · 30/11/2023 17:56

I was so incredibly grateful for the emergency cover my PIL provided. You are not a childminder. What happens if you are sick? Do they even have a back up plan.

Give them a deadline. Mean it. You've been incredibly generous.

Reugny · 30/11/2023 17:57

I stepped up as emergency cover whilst they found another option…..

After Christmas tell them that they have until 1 March 2024 to find alternative child care as you only stepped up as emergency cover.

Tell them looking after your grandchild is making you ill and while you love your grandchild, it is not in the child's best interests for you to care for them longer than 1 March 2024.

GKD · 30/11/2023 17:59

10 months?

was there a misunderstanding with them thinking you were happy to have child more?

My parents do some childcare (they offered, I didn’t ask) and if they said it was too much we’d make different choices with no hurt feelings.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/11/2023 18:03

You need to tell them now! 4 days a week full time?!!

daffodilandtulip · 30/11/2023 18:07

Reugny · 30/11/2023 17:57

I stepped up as emergency cover whilst they found another option…..

After Christmas tell them that they have until 1 March 2024 to find alternative child care as you only stepped up as emergency cover.

Tell them looking after your grandchild is making you ill and while you love your grandchild, it is not in the child's best interests for you to care for them longer than 1 March 2024.

I'd be telling them now for after Christmas!

Desecratedcoconut · 30/11/2023 18:08

Have they even kept up the pretense of looking at other places or have they conveniently forgotten about the whole thing?

15PiecesOfFlair · 30/11/2023 18:11

4 days a week for 10 months?!!

They have saved thousands upon thousands. No excuse for them not to get sorted. Child will be considerably older now too and hopefully more able to settle somewhere.

Reugny · 30/11/2023 18:14

daffodilandtulip · 30/11/2023 18:07

I'd be telling them now for after Christmas!

Show quote history

I think the OP will want to see the grandchild around Christmas.

Original poster

FHLINonna · 30/11/2023 18:19

Thankyou for replying, yes, my son knows about my health as I have spent time in hospital. However I realise now that trying to pretend it isn’t there hasn’t been the best approach. I absolutely love spending time with my grandchild but yes, I do need to approach them and ask them to make alternative arrangements for at least part of the week.
I am not confrontational and probably don’t help myself by being unable to say the No word.
I will take on board all of your advice and ask my son to look at a nursery for after Christmas. They had tentatively looked at one back in April but I know work was hectic and so it got put to one side
This can be my starting point.
Thankyou all so very much

OP posts:

MiniCooperLover · 30/11/2023 18:19

Come on OP you need to push this. Have you ever told them it's too much? They prob think oh this has been handy but enough is enough

Original poster

FHLINonna · 30/11/2023 18:23

Thankyou, I will ask them to come around, some of the responses suggest I have been taken advantage of, I haven’t, it’s just too much for me now, so I’m grateful for your advice rather than judgement which I don’t need. Thankyou

OP posts:

LastChristmasIgaveyoumyTart · 30/11/2023 18:26

@Reugny that comment is disgusting. The idea that a child would stop her mum from seeing the grandchild she has spent the last 10 months looking after 4 days a week is absurd. I hope that’s not how you treat family.

Lizzieregina · 30/11/2023 18:28

you need to say that while you’ve enjoyed this time with GC, 4 days is way too much for you and beginning after the Christmas holidays, you are only able to commit to 1 day as originally offered. So therefore they need to get cracking and find an alternative.

I’ve warned my kids that I won’t be available for anything approaching full time child care. Willing to do date nights, emergencies and maybe 1 day or some kind of wrap around care only.

harrogately · 30/11/2023 18:35

You might not like to hear that you've be taken advantage of, but you literally have.

Holly60 · 30/11/2023 18:36

The other thing to think about is you mention another child and their family. It is likely to be causing some resentment that you are providing so much childcare for one adult child but presumably not the other.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2023 18:46

I’m genuinely appalled by this. You’ve been ill enough to be hospitalised and at no point have they said they’ll stop using your goodwill for 4 11 hour days a week. That’s awful OP, they’re completely abusing what was a very kind initial offer.

Caterina99 · 30/11/2023 18:56

I was a sahm when mine were little. It is relentless. And I was 30. There is no way I’d expect that from my parents, it’s just too much! Plus what if you are ill or want to go on holiday?

You need to tell them now. And they need to find another childcare option.

How old is the child and will they be entitled to any funded hours? Maybe he could go to a preschool or similar where it isn’t full time long days, but more like a school day 9-3 and you do pick up? Still eats into your day, but at least it’s fewer hours and not so exhausting for you or the child.

If their jobs mean they are both out of the house for 11 hours a day (and the same 11 hours) and their child can’t cope with that amount of childcare then it’s really on them to come up with a solution that works for the whole family. If that means someone changing jobs or hours then that’s what being a parent requires, not having granny do 44 hours a week every week.

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