au pair/nanny - boyfriend...

[becks5109]

just wondering how those with au pairs/nannies with boyfriends feel. My hubby has just phoned me - he popped home to get something and found that the au pairs boyfriend was there while she is caring for our 1 year old. I haven't met this boy. Au pair asked me a couple of times recently if my husband was due home in the day at all as he's been in and out a bit recently so I suspect he's been around a few times. Not quite sure how I feel about this - she is a fantastic ap/nanny and I completely trust her - feel a bit disasapointed though that she had done this behind my back during time she is supposed to be working. I am sure he is a lovely boy but seems a bit strange to me that he in my house with my son when I haven't met him before. I don't want this to blow up into a big deal. Just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with anything like this. She often has female friends to stay at weekends which I have no problem with at all but she usually lets me know in advance that they are coming.

What is the actual problem, when she is out and about and meeting people at toddler group etc you haven't met them etc is it because he is in your house or would you have had a different reaction if it was a girl?

Yes I did think that to myself that if she were at toddler group she would meet people that I don't know. I think it is because he is in my house and I don't know him, but more I feel she has been a bit deceitful in having him round without mentioning it.

I have a "no boys in the house" when I'm not home rule. But, if I knew the boy and trusted him, I probably wouldn't really care. My last nanny once told the vicar he couldn't come over because I wasn't home. Perhaps I should relax the rule a tad.

I would however be a bit annotyed that she hadn't asked. But then I've made that clear in the contract.

I would feel annoyed about the deception to be honest. I have no problem with boyfriends in the house but I expect to be introduced to them and to be asked if it is ok for them to come over just the same as if they have a friend over. I also do not allow boyfriends over when they are caring for my child because with the best will in the world a 20 year old girl is going to be more interested in impressing the boyfriend than concentrating on my child 100%.

If I was you I would explain to her that you feel she took advantage of your good nature and that you are not happy with the boyfriend being around during childcare hours. But that he is more than welcome if you are given the opportunity to meet him etc.

The whole boyfriend issue was a bone of contention for me whilst living in. My employer was very anti my boyfriend even coming round in the evenings ( I had a separate flat although accessed through the house.) One day I asked if he could come for dinner and she said, "I don't mind him coming for supper but I don't want it progressing to the bedroom!" ( The kitchen tables fine with me love - seriously I was 32 at the time!!!) That said, I would never have snuck him in during the day or the evening without asking first. It's only polite. Perhaps you should ask her to invite him round for dinner one night so you can meet him properly and then explain you'd prefer she didn't entertain him whilst looking after your child.

I would have a few sharp words with her about the deceit, impose a no visitors when we are out rule, and leave it at that. If you don't pull her up on it she may take more liberties. I would also be inclined to watch her like a hawk for a few weeks just in case she is underhand by nature rather than just blinded by luuuurve.

Thanks everyone - had a chat with her last night. She seemed genuinely surprised that I was a bit miffed. However it turned out to be a bit of a communication error caused my by DH - DH bumped into her and boyfriend in the street a few weeks ago when I think they had just started dating. Basically boyfriend waits for her at the end of the road at weekends or when they are going out - I did say to my husband don't encourage him knocking or coming around for her or he'll end up being here all the time. Well turns out husband told her that he could come round without telling me! DH meant he could call for her if they are going out but I think she genuinely mistook that for meaning he could come round whenever. I did say to her that I totally trust her not to bring people into our house or near our kids that are not trustworthy which she understands. I did explain that I don't mind it was just a shame that she hadn't mentioned it to me - of course her defense was that she assumed DH had mentioned it to me. So basically all wires crossed and no harm done - boyf is out of work for a couple of weeks so she said he woulnd't be coming around much any more anyway as he need to find more work. Its always good to have MN to sound out these worries though so thanks for the advice. Have to say on the whole au pair is an angel and fabulous with the children and I would be lost without her.

Oh don't you hate when husbands lack of ability to communicate interfere's with your managing the domestic help. Happens in my house all the time. 'tis very annoying!

absolutely!

DH sometimes calls me at work to call the nanny and tell her something for him when he is working from home upstairs in our house and she is downstairs in the living room.

mobile phone rings at work and Micra answers it...

DH: Hello, what are you doing?
Micra: ... working micra rolls eues
DH: Can you tell DN....
Micra: Aren't you at home today?
DH: Yes
Micra: Where is DN?
DH: Downstairs
Micra: long pause Let me get this straight, you have called me at work to ask me to call DN whh ois in the same house you are in?
DH: Yes.
Micra: Don't you think that's just a little bit odd?
DH: No.
Micra:

I swear if I could explain men I could be sooooo rich.

DH leaves everything to do with au pairs up to me, so thsat he can't be blamed in any way, shape or form if things go wrong. However, our last au pair mentioned to the agency that he looked fierce and it made her scared of him! You've got to feel sorry for men sometimes!