Childcare guilt

[Kaylina]

I'm looking for some people who can relate or understand (please, no need for judgment).

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. Nothing wrong with it by any means, but it's just not for me. I have a business that I run 100% online from home.

When pregnant my husband said we would divide looking after the baby 50/50. But now that baby is here, it's far from being the reality. I'm doing 80% of it (if not 90). We talked about it and agreed to take a nanny for 2 days a week.

But now I'm feeling so guilty! It was never the plan. She's only 11 weeks old and the thought of a stranger looking after her breaks my heart. But at the same time, I NEED a break... She has been such a difficult baby (we realised she was allergic to cow's milk at 6 weeks old) and she only sleeps on me during the day. I struggle with my mental health and really need to start looking after myself to be a better mom for her...

I also do need to be able to work (I don't need a lot of hours but about 2 days a week).

How do you get rid of that childcare guilt? I know it's what is needed, but it's so hard and I don't think it would ever get easier no matter her age! I have no issue with her being with family but a total stranger breaks me!

Hi OP - I’m afraid to say the guilt will always be there, no matter what you do!!! So please be kind to yourself.

My advice would be to see everything as a phase and approach it as ‘let’s try it and see how it goes’. That way you can tell yourself that you can always adapt and change if things don’t feel right… before you know it, your LO will be in school…. Only then does the guilt ease a little bit!

I totally get how you feel - right now my little one 16months is in nursery whilst I work. I hate it. I also feel guilt that I am ‘choosing’ to work over being with him.

sending love xxx

You deal with it by accepting you're doing what needs to be done to keep you and baby safe and happy.

Can DH take any paternity leave? I understand having your own business means you probably don't feel able to have a proper mat leave but isn't he entitled to anything under shared leave? IF he can take it, she's better of with him than a Nanny. If he isn't entitled, then you do what you need to.

But you DO need to talk to him and point out he's going against what he promised and that he's being a shit father and partner by thinking it's all your responsibility.

Does he do any housework? Washing?

Are you both self employed? Is that why there's no mention of mat/pat leave?

What is your dh job - is it same as your online business

Or something else

As in how was he going to do 50/50

Give up his job /go part time

Interview a few nannies and get the feel of them

Whether via an agency - word of mouth - Facebook local groups and ask for recommendations or childcare co uk

Look at cm as well (half the price on nannys)

As your dd is so young you are prob feeling tired and emotional plus the allergy didn't help

30yrs + ago when I was a nanny - mat leave/pay was 12w so many were back to work at 3mths