CM Club: Do you feel you give your own dcs enough of your time and attention??

[KaySamuels]

I don't

I am feeling quite sorry for my ds at the moment as he is really , have two 1yr olds, and he has just started nursery in an afternoon, it seems a bit much for him, he is overly emotional and needy - so not like him.

I have been thinking about it this weekend and I realised he gets very little quality time with me. During cm'ing I am focused mainly on the littlies (also my older schoolie mindee is extremely demanding of attention), ds is put to bed once older mindee goes home, and on a weekend DP and I seem to rush around picking up the ds, doing paperwork, shopping, housework etc.

Does anyone else feel guilty about their own kids even tho they are 'at home'?

Or if you find time please tell me how!

That should say picking up the 2 dss.

Yes - me! And dd is 12! She's gone to school this morning with a flee in her ear and half the problems are because I've been too busy organising cm stuff or not able to talk to her properly when she comes in from shcool, because I'm too busy with other kids.

The way you have to look at it though, is that if you worked out of the home, you wouldn't be able to give them any more time that you do now. Everyone is in the same boat, it just seems much more apparent to cm's I think, because one of the reasons we choose to work at home, is to spend more time with our own kids.

My dd1 is a stroppy 8 yr old and moans she never gets my attention then when i do get 5 mins with her she is in a sulking mood and ignores me so I cant win, I'm doing the best I can and I think it's all i can do. One day she will grow up and realise how much I love her.

It's hard isn't it. Wherever or however you work you still feel guilty!

Think I will have to find some time over the weekend - made some buns just me and him on saturday but then I felt guilty my two dss weren't involved! I'm too soft I think!

TBH I don't think I will be a cm forever, and when I go 'out' to work I know I will enjoy leaving work at work, coming home and being mum, both seperate from each other. Can't do this for a few years yet though so need to work on finding some time for him.

If I was 'out' at work DD would get a much better deal

She could go to the after-school club & the holiday club & I would get TC for it

When I did see her I would be focussed on her as I would have missed her

Whereas now she only gets half my attention while I'm working and half when I'm not

exactly katymac

Dd1 (age8) doesn't want me to be a cm'er she wants me to be a sahm which I can't afford even if i wanted to so we had yet another chat in the car on the way to school where i told her I'm going to be doing this job until she leaves home at least and if she doesn't start accepting it then she is going to spend her whole childhood battling with me over it because I'm not giving up. I enjoy what I do and we're hardly rich now so if i didn't work we wouldn't have anywhere to live, if I went out to work we wouldn't have any money left after i'd paid childcare so this is basically how our life will always be, i think she is better off accepting it and enjoying the many positive aspects that me being a cm can bring her way.

I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I know that I do far more things with dd since I have started childminding than I did when I was working, but she then does have to share me doing things with the others too. She has yet never really complained about me looking after the others and asks who is coming and what we are going to do.
On a weekend both dh and I try and do something special with her and we try to do things with her on our own as well so she gets us all going out but also enjoying our individual attention itms.

LMG - I know what you mean, I will always have to work full time, and this is the best situation for us at the moment. I agree there are positives to it, think ds is a little young to understand all that at the mo.

He used to enjoy me cm'ing as I had mainly kids older than him so lots of games and acticivities they can all join in with. Recently my books have had more littlies on, and I find it had to get an activity I can manage to do with two 1yr olds, a 3yr old, and 10 yr old and sometimes an 8y old. I think he is feeling pushed out by the littlies and I am also worried he has started nursery too soon.

SB you sound like you have a good balance.

DS always used to look forward to the kids coming and would ask to go and see them on a weekend - but now I have more littlies and less time for him he says 'x wants to go home mummy' or if I say who is coming he will say 'but what about nana's house'.

Also have mentioned before one of my littlies is a biter, hair puller, grabber etc and ds is terrified of him!

Dd2 is happy and asks whose coming she asks for mindees when theyre not here she even asked for mindees who have left but she will grow up with me cm-ing because i've been doing it since she was 6mths old whereas dd1 had me to herself for 6 years when I used to work pt school hours then I worked ft which she also hated and her school work slipped now I feel this is the best I can do and there isn't a job I would rather do. I've been doing this 2 years and eventually she will get used to it i hope!?! I've noticed she loves the mindees under 3 but causes me grief over me minding older children.

DD can't bear one of mine! Thankfully, as she's 12, she walks away and tells me later after he's gone home!

On the up side for me, since dd is an only child, its meant that she's kinda had siblings for the last 12 years, but also she appreciates her own company when they all go home. Best of both worlds for her! We often have to leave for Guides early, just so that we can sit in the car and chat before she goes in.

i do feel my ds doesn't get enough "quality" time but he does get the advantage of having someone to play with most days - he's not an only child but his sister is 13 so in some ways it's like he is - i wanted to c/m so i could be a SAHM and so he'd learn how to interact and share with other children, he moans at weekends when no-one is coming!!

i think it is true that you just can't win - we need money so we need to work.

I knew this was gunna be you Kay..i feel the same, constantly guilty at playing and doing nice things with the children then when dd is here i kind of 'expect' her to know better/do things certain way/understand im working..but shes 4 and she doesnt and i dont cut her enough slack..but i am trying and being succesful for over a week now...my only consolation is that if i WOH i would see her at all, so if i can chill out with her and divide my time more fairly(after all SHE is why im doing this job, so i need to put her way up there!)as well as explaining about my job, that i have to look after other children too and now on an evening, i let her stay up 1/2 hour later so we can snuggle on sofa, watch cartton, read, talk and then on a weekend we always take her somewere even if just for a couple of hours (park/cinema/friends house/soft play etc), thenwhen shes in bed, i try and get done what i should have been doing then!..easy life eh!

Definitely not if it was just me and dd (ds is a lot older so in school) but I make sure throughout the day she gets 1:1. But then, I do with all of them. Reading a story or an activity that's just me and dd (or mindee or whomever!). Also, she doesn't go to bed until late, 8.30/9pm most nights and she gets me all to herself then, plus through the night too! As I have been doing this for as long as she can remember (only 27 mos) this is the norm. She is extremely good at making sure I spend time with her (demanding little thing!) but I do make a concerted effort through the day to make sure she gets just me.

another point - when i'm working he is always the one to play up/generally be wild - the mindees are {mainly} little angels BUT then when they get picked up all hell breaks lose i guess kids are always worse for their parents.

I feel exactly like this. I've just been given notice from one mindee, so it means that if I don't replace her it would just be me and my dd for those two days. I really want to give her more of my time as she won't be little forever and I've noticed her behaviour is worse when she's trying to compete for my attention... and sometimes she just looks so sad . The question is can I afford no to replace this mindee...
I've got an op booked in may, so I'm going to leave it until after then and see how much we are struggling financially. Hopefully this will help easy my guilt

I definately can't afford less littlies - I am actually waiting to hear back on a variation!

I think because he has always been laid back and low maintenance he has been overlooked and I do expect him to not be too demanding, which why shouldn't he be!?

I guess all I ca do is make a huge effort to find more time for him. I unexpectedly had the daay off today and we had a boogie together and a cuddle and sat and had our lunch just the two of us.

glad you had a good day with your ds kay
i had a couple hours with just ds this afternoon and it was nice

wouldn't it be lovely if we didn't have to work - ladies of leisure

Ah yes we can dream!