Family babysitting or boundaries

[Eleano]

Would you use up about 15% of your total savings on starting nursery early or save money by depending on your MIL and other family to help for the first months of your baby's life (and then rely on nursery)? My DH works long hours so can't help much.

The context is that I have an MIL who is devoted to her 18 year old troubled DGD who is her golden child's DD and on finding out about my pregnancy begrudgingly offered to help. Also the DGD and her DF want to babysit and have already stated how they plan to fill our house with stuff they'll buy for the baby when it's born (which is very sweet of them).

On top of that, me and my DH have huge differences in values and culture to the rest of my DH's family so there would inevitably be disagreements on the decisions we make as parents (eg watching sugar intake and eating healthy, buying too many toys, political correctness etc).

AIBU if I set boundaries on who gets to babysit when and how often to avoid future tensions? I think a lot of women would feel lucky if they were in my position and I probably sound ungrateful.

I think for me it would depend on how likely they were to respect your boundaries. If you have doubts about that I'd opt for paid childcare instead.

Nursery, no question.

Nursery or every work day will be a source of stress for you op. Imagine your work day worrying about dc...

If you know you will worry about how they are looking after baby, that's a sign to not do it. if someone is providing childcare for free, there's no commitment and you can't really dictate what they do.

Are you talking about childcare to go back to work, or family helping out by doing childcare/ babysitting while you’re on maternity leave?

For childcare for work, I’d suggest using paid childcare and not relying on your MIL - if she offered begrudgingly, she’s likely to be unreliable/ cancel at the last minute and cause you a lot of stress. I also wouldn’t rely on a ‘troubled’ 18 year old to provide childcare (and her DF - is this fiancé?) - isn’t she working/ at college? Plus the reality of a baby may not be as cute as she thinks, and she may be reluctant to offer help after the novelty wears off.

If it’s just to babysit/ help out while your on maternity leave, that’s not so critical as childcare for work. I didn’t have any family nearby while I was on maternity leave and it would have been lovely to have that little bit of support. But given the issues you mention with values/ culture, I’d say set boundaries now to be clear it would only be occasional/ when the baby is older/ no sleepovers until the baby is older/ you’ll be using nursery when you’re at work.

It should go without saying, but if the troubled DGD or her fiancé smokes/ uses drugs/ drinks a lot, they shouldn’t be asked to babysit.

The fact you know you will disagree on everything oozes from your post.

Pay for Nursery.

Sorry I should have been clearer - it's childcare for me to go back to work full time. The baby will be 6 months by that point.

Babysitting is different, of course, but I'm answering the question in the opening post rather than title.

Without a doubt, rely on nursery. So much less stressful and complicated. The money spent will be a worthy investment in your mental peace.

When I was pregnant I was told I'd be helped, never happened got can't rely on people. Nursery

If it’s for work, then used paid childcare. Far more reliable, and you won’t be worrying about how they are looking after your DC.

Definitely nursery. I would never leave a baby where the standard of care might be suboptimal.

Have you looked at childminders who are normally cheaper but work to the same standards. They typically take children younger in a smaller environment.
I wouldn't use lots of different childcare that's very unsettling one granny is fine but several different people is too much.
If they don't have your values they won't respect your boundaries

I think that's really good idea and a good point about using too many people. I can see how that's not good for newborn's psychology.