11.5mo crying a LOT at new childminder

[lm4868]

Hi everyone. Looking for some reassurance here. My 11.5mo son had his first full day at the childminder yesterday and it was quite a disaster by all accounts - he pretty much cried all day. We did 2-3 settling in sessions 2 weeks ago which went better (aside from some crying before his nap) but then went away on holiday last week - i.e. he hadn’t seen her for 2 weeks.

She is a very experienced CM, has 2 assistants and 9 babies in total, and she comes recommended, plus rated Good on Ofsted. She said he had been unsettled all morning and essentially wanted to be held all day, aside from a 1.5hr lunch nap (no crying before - one positive!) and a 1.5hr period after nap where he was seemingly ok and they got some smiles/didn’t need to be held. When I picked him up at 5pm she said he had been less crying more screaming for 1hr, and that she can’t hold him all day, it was upsetting the other babies (though he is the youngest), and it had been very difficult for them. I asked for reassurance that other babies had been like this at the start and she said, gently, not as bad as my son. This really upset me and made me terrified that I have done something wrong to make him unable to settle in childcare and essentially that she may serve notice. She made it clear that she couldn’t hold him all day and I sort of read between the lines that if it carries on this way then it’s not sustainable… Maybe I’m wrong but that was the feeling I got from her.

I have dropped him off late morning today in a slightly better mood (did morning nap at home first) and said to her that I was upset last night and she said I know you were, I would have been too as I’m also a mum, but I want to be honest with you etc. I said we maybe went a bit fast yesterday trying to do a full day after a 2 week gap so we are seeing how today goes.

Nevertheless, I am so worried and wanted to understand from any CMs on here how long you would expect it to take a more sensitive baby to settle before you decide to serve notice? I’m wanting to know how long is reasonable to expect her to give it a shot for. I really don’t want to have to disrupt the process now for his sake, and I also go back to work full time on Tuesday next week. Equally would love to hear if any other mums have experienced this and how long it took? He is very attached to me at home especially the last few weeks - separation anxiety has really kicked in.

Any advice much appreciated from a very panicked first time mum. Thanks xx

Perhaps you can do half days tomorrow and Monday to get him settled?

Gosh its so hard on everyone, you, your baby, the other children and the childminder.

How often does he go?

I would usually give it around 4 weeks. If seeing an improvement I'd continue but if not then it's only fair to everyone to give notice.

Thank your childminder for being honest, some babies are worse than others and if she has to give notice then it's no ones fault.

He's at the separation age and hasn't seen her for 2w and you weren't there. Course going to cry

The cm and her staff need to sort our ways to calm down and distract

Yes early days

How many days will he be going

And see how he is in a month

Some babies do take longer to settle

Tho does sound manic 9 babies tho 2 o her staff

Maybe he would be better off in a setting with one cm and less children if doesn't settle

MN generally seem to prefer childminders but I always think quite needy babies get on better at nurseries, as there are more staff available to hold and soothe. It might be worth just exploring some options.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. He’s going to be going 4 days a week. I picked him up today at 4pm as she texted saying he was crying a lot (I’d asked her to let me know and I’d come and get him). We had a better conversation than yesterday and we established that he is only upset in the setting itself. As soon as they go out in the buggy anywhere he is “like a different baby”. He just cries the moment they approach the door. He also cries whenever any adult leaves the room (even for a moment, and even if the other 2 are present). She also said she’s surprised because he slept so well (2hr lunch nap today) and eats so well (no surprise to me as he loves his food). It’s just being there, in the house, with other children he seems to get very upset. He was only not crying for 30mins at the start of the day after I dropped him off and they were having story time on the floor (and the CM was sitting next to him). After that it was game over unless they were out and about (or eating!). To be honest it’s not too dissimilar a story at home with me - he’s only happy to play on his own for v short periods, and I have to be with him most of the time on the play mat.

She said she wasn’t sure that he enjoyed the other children bringing him things etc to cheer him up as it seemed to upset him more, and that he seems happier when it’s just 1 on 1 care. In the settling in days he was apparently fascinated by the other children (and in my experience he loves to watch other kids in the park etc).

Any conclusions to draw from this?! Can’t afford nursery (let alone being able to get a place), nor a nanny/share.

As I said I my previous post a another cm Who is just her

They usually have 3 under 5 unless a variation for siblings /twins etc

So would be your baby and 2 others pre school

Rather then 9 babies /toddlers

I would say it is early days, with your baby going to the childminder 4 days a week it won't take too long for him to settle. Most of my wee ones coming 4 or 5 days a week have been very settled by week 4 or by the end of week 4.

Like your childminder I am very honest about how a baby is settling and I don't think I have ever had one who didn't cry and wasn't unsettled for at least 2 weeks. It is hard going for everyone involved but so worth while once the baby is content.

Your baby had 2 weeks off so going back after week 2 will really be like baby starting from scratch again.

This is so hard on you too. It is a tough period for you and for your wee baby.

Could you speak to your work and explain the situation and ask if there is anyway you could pick baby up an hour or two earlier than baby's pick up time just until he is settled? Obviously half days would be great but I realise that may not be possible if you are back at work full time.

Oh and every baby I have cared for has been much more settled when out and about.

Once your son is settled he will enjoy watching the other children again.

i've got a baby at the monent who was very happy during her two settling in sessions but has been very distressed when she came for the first few days (she is one day a week!).

i think the baby clicks after a couple of times of being handed over that they are being left.

Hi @imperialqueen thank you so much for your message - that’s really reassuring to know. Thursday (his second day) was much the same as the first and I had to pick him up at 4, but then yesterday he was only there for 3 hours in the morning and managed to play on the play mat for 45mins without crying! The CM really saw this as an improvement, so I am holding out hope. Monday we will see how it goes and then work begins on Tuesday. I will definitely take on your suggestion of trying to leave early for the first couple of weeks.

It maybe that it's too busy for him and he would be better in a traditional 1 to 3 setting. Has he had the chance to be with the carer on his own and have just one or two children slowly join the room?

That's what I said @jannier

3 babies instead of 9

I've had babies who have taken weeks to settle so I wouldn't worry too much yet!

lm4868 how are things now?

So much better thank you for asking. After his sixth day she said he was “as good as gold” and didn’t cry at all, and is enjoying observing the other children again, so I am absolutely amazed and unbelievably relieved! He still cries when he realises where we are at drop off but I can hear it’s stopped by the time I reach the car, so hopefully this will stop in a couple of weeks. Thanks for your support and advice!

He sounds like a wee star. All good after only 6 days. You will be so relieved to know he is so much happier now. Pleased to hear it has all worked out.