Grandparents no help!

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We're estranged from my husbands parents and my parents just don't help with our daughter. Considering another baby but how do people manage date nights, alone time etc? Anyone in a similar situation?
Just advice please

Exactly

Another one with no “date nights” here. DH and I went out for the first time as a couple a few weekends ago to go to a concert (rescheduled from pre-covid!). We paid a babysitter. It’s the first time we’ve both been away from DS (other than work!) since he was born. He’s now 3.

We try to make an effort once a fortnight to sit down after DS is in bed and have a movie night or a takeaway or something rather than being distracted by house work/work stuff/hobbies etc.

Our choice to have a child, therefore we sort the childcare if and when it’s needed. That being said, I actually don’t know anyone else in the same position as us 🙈 all our friends seem to constantly be on nights out or weekend breaks and have the kids at grandparents etc 🤣 it’s just not the type of relationship I have with my family!

Young kids are knackering at any age, more so as you get older I expect.

I don't look after and love my kids in the expectation that they'll reciprocate when I'm elderly. I love them unconditionally and without expectation.

The relationship between a parent and their young child is totally different to the relationship between parents and their adult children. The latter should be more equal based on mutual respect and understanding, not an expectation from the parents that their adult children owe them a duty or that it's somehow payback time.

I find the 'they cared for you as children therefore you have a duty to them' argument so odd. They chose to have children and that choice comes with responsibilities. Being born does not carry the same responsibilities.

Our date night is netflix and a bottle of wine. Honestly GP’s don’t have to help, it’s a nice to have but many manage without. I’m waiting for DD’s first overnight trip with school, which will be in 6 years according to their website.

Anyway OP - my folks are on the other side of the world and DH's have made it clear that DH moved away (at 18!) and therefore keeping the relationship going is entirely his responsibility but can only take place on their terms. Childcare has never been on the table.

We don't go out together as much as we'd like. I think it's easier in areas like mine where lots of families have at least one immigrant parent or people have moved here from far away - people are more open to supporting each other with stuff like mutual childcare when there's a need on both sides. If there are lots of people who have their parents down the road it's tougher I think. And then yes, babysitters, which makes a movie or a meal out ludicrously expensive so we don't do it much.

We manage! But I had friends who were totally shocked when I recently mentioned that the last time we had a night away just the two of us was before our eldest was born nearly 12 years ago. But organising overnight childcare is a whole different ballgame, especially with two kids. The logistics of trying to arrange two sleepovers and be around for various drop offs and pick ups from weekend activities makes the whole thing a bit pointless.

We just don’t go out in the evening.

We’ve accepted that while DP will provide care for my neices and nephews (and have done so since birth) they just don’t give a toss about mine. So we do activities with them for now.

Nobody ever helped me, help me or will. But i will do all I can to help when and if i have granchildren. God willing

Just pay. Or sometimes an arrangement with a friend can work. You babysit for her and she babysits for you. A lot of people don't live anywhere near their parents.

They chose to have children and that choice comes with responsibilities

Yes it does and it includes looking after your own children and not expecting your parents to.

Works both ways.

This exactly.

While I agree it's not obligatory unless there's been some sort of abuse or other extreme reason I can't understand why you wouldn't want to care for your parents. Or help with your grandchild. But it's the obligation and expectation that's wrong.

My earlier post was in response to a 'im not looking after you when im old cos you won't look after your grandkids'. All wrong.

I have two kids. We don't have date nights or any time together alone. Maybe when the children are teens!

Grandparents did their bit bringing you up. Anything more is a bonus.

@Dillydollydingdong I agree.

However, I won't pretend it wasn't galling in the extreme to go to playgroups and see the whole place awash with grandparents doing all the childcare. It was hard to see when we had no support from either side.

We didn't have date nights
One mother's day treat was a trip to Legoland - it was a joy to see their joy
For the occasional "do" we paid a babysitter. Usually a friends' nanny.

I would have hated to have family helping out- which is lucky as no one offered.
Child care is an important responsibility, so I pay for a babysitter with relevant experience.

Oh I know that feeling. I go to one playgroup on a Wednesday and there are hardly any mums there just grandmas. Even my school run in the morning there’s a large percentage of grandparents. Very annoying

We don't. Think we have literally had one date night in 10 years. Actually the last overnight time we had sans children was our wedding night (when my mother very reluctantly took our 1 yr old daughter for us)

That's exactly my point.

Once the children are grown, there is no inherent responsibility to each other on either side.

In a mutually respectful and supportive relationship the parents may help out with childcare for their grandkids, and the adult children may help with care and support when their parents need it.

But there's no obligation on either side. There's certainly no obligation on the adult children to care for elderly parents simply because said parents provided care for them when they were young.

Once they were about 18m we hired a babysitter once a fortnight for 90 minutes so we could go to the pub or the restaurant at the end of the road and have a brief bit of time to ourselves.

Offer your parents an afternoon of gardening or decorating in return for an evening of babysitting.

We don't do those things! Youngest DC is 5 - they've never stayed overnight away from us, we go out separately with friends, manage to have time together by taking a days leave when DC is at school, we have takeaways rather than dinner out & take DC with us when we're invited to friends for dinner (they all have kids too so we all do it). Only another 8 years to go til they'll be begging us to go for the night so they can be left alone or have friends round.

Lower your standards of a social life & you'll be fine!

No date nights or weekends away. Only option was occasional cafe or pub lunch together on work lunch hour (DC at nursery).

Later you'd think sleepovers or school trips would help, but if you have 2 or more DC it rarely works out together.

But it's what you sign up for when you have children, isn't it! 😁