How to decline childcare offer

[Babysharkdodo123]

DM offered to look after DCs (1 and 2) when I go back to work part time in September. As DH works away half the week, DM was going to stay with me for three days. Two of those days I'd be off so she'd be helping me and the third day I'd be in work so she'd be looking after both DCs alone. The remaining two days they'll be in nursery.

However, after doing some research and looking at other threads on here, I dont think it's a good idea for various reasons that I won't go into. She also wants me to pay her for the three days even though two of those days I'll be there too.

My main reasoning is that I don't want our relationship or hers with DCs to become transactional. If she wants to stay the occasional night whilst DH is away to keep me and DCs company then great but I don't think I should pay her to come and stay! (She lives an hour away).

I get the feeling she regrets offering as the time approaches and I want to tell her I don't want her to look after the DCs! But how do I do it? I want to be honest but she has a reputation for flying off the handle and taking everything personally!

What about saying you had worries about looking after two of them yourself but as the time comes closer, you realise you can do it.
And that honestly you want her to enjoy her time and have hobbies and a full life while she can. That ultimately it’s not needed but you’re grateful she offered and it was kind.

(making you pay for 3 days when 2 of them you’ll be there???)

Since she's asking for payment I wouldn't feel bad about it. Just text "Good news Mum, we've booked A and B for a third day at nursery, so you're off the hook ".

'Thanks so much mum for offering to give up so much of your time to spend with the DGC. The most important thing to me is that we have a lovely family dynamic and that the kids see you as Grandma rather than their nanny. I know of a family where the kids have really pushed their Aunty away who was looking after them two days a week because they saw their Aunty Joan as being the person that stopped them being with their mum'.

Or some such anecdotal back up for why it's not a good idea.

My DD has the most lovely relationship with her grandparents. She absolutely adores them and gets excited about seeing them as we're miles away so it's only in the school holidays. I'm pretty sure that if my DM had been round here every week that it would have impacted on that relationship.

Obviously there are other reasons not to like differing views on how things should be done with the DC and whether your DM will respect your choices etc. but I wouldn't go into this with her just focus on the most important thing being building a longterm loving relationship between her and the DC.

Book them in at nursery and say they prioritise spaces for DC who do more than just a couple of days so you needed to do it to guarantee the places.

I had similar with MIL when I had my first DD. I just said that I was very grateful, and I would love for them to spend as much time together as she wanted to. But... I didn't want that relationship to become a chore and something she 'had' to do and that if she wanted to take off to Greece for a month with an unsuitable young man (not beyond the realms of possibility 😆) she could do it without worrying about leaving me without childcare. It is incredibly difficult to have a formal arrangement with family as you can't easily access professional childcare on an ad-hoc basis. It is much easier to pay for a service and then if times need tweaking, you can call on family on an ad-hoc basis.

Why does she think you need help the two days you are there ?

Have her for one day if you want

Tho if she wants paying , you may as well do 3 days nursery

Do you want her for 3 days at yours ?

Has dh suggested this ?

Get dh to tell his mum

She wants you to pay her to visit on days you'll be off work?! That's insane. Why would she even need to be there? Nope, just tell her you want to put them in nursery and she's welcome to visit but you don't need regular childcare from her.