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Original poster

Social services and mild concerns

6 replies

HeyMamma2 · 08/07/2023 11:49

Hello, I will try to be brief. My DD is 3.5 yrs. Her father and I are not together due to DV. I have never let that interfere with him being her father, I've included him in alot for years, even and xmas with him (which I hated).
There's certain things that creep me out. I do no let him bath her as once when she was about 18month he held her inappropriately, I don't him not to and he would ignore me. If I told him how to wipe her when changing he'd say I'm controlling. He would force hugs and kisses on her. To a point this year I've noticed she feels she has to kiss me when she wants something or done something wrong, or is upset. I discourage this as don't think it's right she feels she should have to kiss to get what she wants or to keep someone happy.
I've expressed this to him and was met again with hostility.
Couple weeks ago she tried to kiss me but with tongue when swimming, again I discouraged this. Bath times she's been very touchy with her area and even putting toys there, and last weekend she came home, she looked red down there like she hasn't been cleaned properly. So I took her to the doctor and explained why I don't let him bath her and that I was worried she was red down there.
So the doctor wanted to refer it to social services and I agreed, I've informed the nursery. I've also been referred to womens in need, because scared of the reaction her father will have when social services get in touch.
I'm not accusing him of anything, but something isn't quite right, maybe he's just not respecting her boundaries.
I'm stopping sleep overs at his as he has a 1 bed flat and shares a room with her and she needs her own space.

I feel guilty social services are gonna investigate him, and that he may see it as attack because we don't get on. I don't want to hurt him and feel protective over his and my DD relationship. But my mother instincts are kicking in. I always doubt myself and feel guilty, my counselling says it's from years of gaslighting.

I'm scared and afraid I'm not doing things right or that I'm reading too much into things.

Any help of similar situations much appreciated. Kindest regards all xox

OP posts:
Crazydoglady1980 · 08/07/2023 11:54

I think you have done the right thing, there are a number of red flags for sexual abuse in what you have described. I wouldn’t be sending her at all at the moment, as you have safeguarding concerns.
At the very least he is not following appropriate boundaries. I am not aware of women in need, is it similar to women’s aid? I hope they can offer you support too

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/07/2023 12:05

I don't want to hurt him and feel protective over his and my DD relationship. But my mother instincts are kicking in. I always doubt myself and feel guilty, my counselling says it's from years of gaslighting.
I understand this far to well, the self doubt, the being made to feel his happiness is your responsibility and you're guilty no matter whose fault things are. You have 100% done the right thing here. The most important thing is that your DD is safe. Whatever he feels doesn't matter a jot next next to that.

Original poster
HeyMamma2 · 08/07/2023 14:13

Crazydoglady1980 · 08/07/2023 11:54

I think you have done the right thing, there are a number of red flags for sexual abuse in what you have described. I wouldn’t be sending her at all at the moment, as you have safeguarding concerns.
At the very least he is not following appropriate boundaries. I am not aware of women in need, is it similar to women’s aid? I hope they can offer you support too

Yes womens in need is like womens aid, they help support in DV relationships past and present. I have a key worker visiting me next week. X

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyMamma2 · 08/07/2023 14:17

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/07/2023 12:05

I don't want to hurt him and feel protective over his and my DD relationship. But my mother instincts are kicking in. I always doubt myself and feel guilty, my counselling says it's from years of gaslighting.
I understand this far to well, the self doubt, the being made to feel his happiness is your responsibility and you're guilty no matter whose fault things are. You have 100% done the right thing here. The most important thing is that your DD is safe. Whatever he feels doesn't matter a jot next next to that.

Thank you I appreciate the replies. My DD has gone to her dad's today til 5, I asked my doctor if I should send her. And they said I could as the the backlash if I didn't wouldn't be good, and also because it's just a day visit. I don't have enough evidence or contact from social services yet to keep her with me. I felt guilty because she seemed happy to see her dad and he doesn't know about social services yet, I can't help but feel I'm being two faced or deceptive. But nothing I've said is a lie. Just the self doubt and worry is alot, especially his retaliation. Xx

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 09/07/2023 04:21

The reasons you're concerned are valid. Reporting so those that know more can look into the issue is the right thing to do. The way things work with child access arrangements it can be considered problematic either if you send or don't send. It's a tough decision to make. I would check her over when she's home and go back to the GP or call SS if there's anything worrying. I'd also order 'my underpants rules' by Rod and Kate Power or similar book. It's a picture book and can be read to kids from around her age. It's not to early to be teaching her about safe behaviour.

Original poster
HeyMamma2 · 09/07/2023 08:06

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 09/07/2023 04:21

The reasons you're concerned are valid. Reporting so those that know more can look into the issue is the right thing to do. The way things work with child access arrangements it can be considered problematic either if you send or don't send. It's a tough decision to make. I would check her over when she's home and go back to the GP or call SS if there's anything worrying. I'd also order 'my underpants rules' by Rod and Kate Power or similar book. It's a picture book and can be read to kids from around her age. It's not to early to be teaching her about safe behaviour.

I got her the nspcc pantosaurous book and we play the song on YouTube, however she has a speech delay, and we are awaiting a pediatrician to assess if she has autism or adhd. She isn't able to tell me things or quite understand certain concepts. Which adds to the worries. When she came home she seemed fine upon checking. But was very irritated and twisty, kicked off alot when she couldn't get what she wanted. I normally out that down to her being spoilt or having her own way at his so wanting it when home.
Xxx

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