Am I being Selfish?

[Jayjay08]

So, me and my mum live together- we own the house jointly. I have a 2 year old and I am 6 months pregnant. I work as a full time teacher- single parent.
My sister has a 4 year old- my 2 year old and her 4 year old fight constantly like literally you can’t sit down always arguing it drives me insane. Anyways my mum has her two year old two days a week every school holidays (my holidays from work). But it’s driving me mad I live in this house too. I feel it’s unfair -they just agree between them when my mum is having him and I’m never consulted. But when my sister wants me to babysit she always asks me to go to hers and look after him because it’s unfair on my mum to have him at ours. Like I just feel that they don’t even consider me and they don’t see it as my house too and it’s my break from work . Am I being selfish? I’m considering putting my 2 year old on holiday club for those two days a week in the summer holidays but I feel like why should I be wasting £300/£400 when it’s my house. My mum said she feels bad to say no to my sister because she needs the help.

As a solo parent and a teacher I can totally understand where you are coming from. Despite what everyone says teaching in mentally exhausting and you need a break. Even just my son running around playing can be too much for me at the beginning of a school hol but because he is my son I deal with it. You are not being unreasonable to ask your mum to have your sisters children at her house particularly as it is only 5 mins away. You need a break too! Does your sister look after your child so you can have a break?

Yeah I’m actually mentally drained. I feel bad even saying it to my mum - she knows how stressed I feel. But I spose she feels bad saying no to my sister and I feel bad putting her in the middle but it’s literally so draining - I can’t look forward to time off work

Who looks after your 2 year old when you are in work? Because if your mum does then I do feel like your BU.

What does BU mean?

Being unreasonable

I pay for him to go to nursery 3 days. My mum has him two days.

My mum has them in term time aswell though (all 3 of her children) untill half 6 on one day a week after school and then drops them in the mornings on two days - she does see them.

If the kids got along, would you feel differently? I suspect the best answer is to solve the behaviour issue/ clash . What do you think is causing the the clash?

Your mother looks after your child in her house 2 days a week.
Your mother looks after your sisters child, her other grandchild, in the same arrangement but it’s not to your liking.

Yes. Selfish. You are gatekeeping their relationship.

The clash is probably that the child doesn’t feel welcome in their grandmothers home as the child that has the grandmother at home full time doesn’t like it and aunt sits there scowling. How sad for that child.

So your Mum looks after your child 2 days a week and other grandchild 2 days a week.

During term time you have no issues with this because you are at work.

Your issue is on school holidays you'd rather she went to your sisters to look after her other grandchild because they fight and you don't like having the two of them there.

Personally I think you are being unreasonable. Take your son out on those two days. Make those days your weekly days out. Library, park, zoo, soft play, meet a friend, go swimming.

If your sister has the arrangement that the child goes to your mothers 2 days a week I don't see why that should change just because it's the school holidays. Your mum helps you out and should be allowed to help your sister out at your jointly owned home if she wants too.

I feel it’s unfair -they just agree between them when my mum is having him and I’m never consulted.

This is particularly gatekeeping. Your mother can see her grandchild when she likes, not when you say so.

The four year old goes to school on term times - she has all 3 of her kids after school - when I’m there not at work.

Have you considered moving out and living separately from your mum so you have more autonomy about what happens in your home?

How does your partner/DH feel about living with his MIL?

I’m a single mum. If we separate houses my mum couldn’t afford it.

My mum looked after every single one of her 3 kids when they weren’t at school - full time- she sees them a lot. They are at school now.

Thank you - keyboard warriors some people!

Next time dsis and dc turn up take yourself off to dsis's house for some peace!

Lol that’s a good idea!

Do you have to take your child/ plus new arrival ....to hers too?
Personally I'd be saying no it's easier here mine need their beds and actually as a teacher I have kids every day too so I need a break.

I always find children argue less if you get them out....I regularly have a 10 year old an 8 year old, two 6 year olds a 4 year old and a 3 year old through holidays If you're in it's hard if you're out they are easy. Maybe suggest some outings for you all to go on free stuff like den building and pond dipping.

It’s a difficult situation with your sister’s child being so argumentative. It’s not wasting money if it gives your lo peace of mind. Think of the positive friendships she’ll be making. I’d do it. And by the way it’s perfectly fine for your mum to have sisters’ lo what’s not fine is the bad behaviour of sister’s lo and how that is being addressed because it seems like it’s not. I imagine your lo is on the receiving end of sister’s child’s fighting. Put her in a club xxx

I get what you are saying. When kids fight all the time it's frustrating and tiring

Get sister to choose two days. Assume the same days every week

Make plans those days to go out

See a friend

Go to the park

Days out at farm

I do feel for your mum. She has your child twice a week and other gc 2 a week so that's 4 days a week

Does granny ever have a break

And yes did you consult her about another baby tbh at I assume she will look after when you are back at work