Screens ban

[Farkle]

Hello all,

I'm new here so, well, let's see how this goes.

My brother, bless his cottons, has an annoying thing. He has 'banned' screens in his family (three kids, oldest approching 10). Which is fine, for them; apart from keeping them unaware of the modern world which I think is stulting their growth but hey; except that when we all gather in the family home for, say, Christmas, he extends this ban onto the whole family. This is accompanied with a complete lack of all other forms of discipline. The kids are rude, know no boundaries, and mealtimes are a complete bun fight.

Our Mum is now in her eighties (and obviously the most accomplished Mother) and she is visibly distraught at times, and not listened to. When they come they also like to lie in, and kids being what they are, they get up earrly and Mum has to manage them - she's elderly and quite unstable on her feet so she wants to use the TV to manage them. This causes arguments.

What can I do? I want to help the kids, as they are going to be woefully unprepared for the coming future. I also see them growing up into either bullies or at the least being set up for a fall as they come into contact with other people who won't tolerate their lack of boundaries.

I'd also like to have a nice Christmas without tension - as they don't play boardgames or cards the only option is anarchy right now.

Thanks in advance.

It's not the screen ban but the lack of boundaries around behaviour that's the problem.

'Growing up unprepared for tbe future' - don't worry about that bit. Screens are intuitive, they'll pick them up in no time when they need them.

But he needs to step up and parent!

Have you spoken to your brother to find a compromise? Speaking directly and honestly is the only option. He is unlikely to change on the screens, and shouldn't be expected to as it's the parents decision, but it would be reasonable to talk about the strain it puts on your mother.

If your mum is unable to cope with them staying then she needs to say so and let them find an alternative.

I agree that technology is a big part of life and children benefit from appropriate exposure, however it's a parental decision on what to allow in the home.

I'm not sure it's the lack of screens that is causing the problem. I have nieces and nephews with access to screens and their behaviour is the same. The issue is more about the lack of boundaries and consequences. I'm not sure there is much you can do about that, unless you are being asked to look after the kids.
My mil does a lot of childcare for my nieces and nephews. She really isn't able anymore and I feel she is taken advantage of. We have tried to help her but unfortunately I came to realise that she has to be the one that deals with it. Your mum has to be the one that says she can't look after them or to say no to your brother. It is really frustrating to watch it all unfold though.

Your brother (and his partner) need to learn how to parent their kids.

I can't see he can enforce a screen ban in someone else's house though - surely your Mum is allowed to watch TV if she wants to? If he doesn't want his kids watching it then he needs to get up and take them for a walk or something.

Thanks for the replies.

When I say woefully unprepared for the future I include/mean visual language too, ie how you watch films these days. Films are incredibly detailed and fast today, so different from the talkies of yesteryear - imagine never having been allowed to grow through children's films like, I dunno, Bambi, Railway Children, Teletubbies! and then suddenly thrown in aged fifteen to, well, name your complex film. Your brain won't be able to take in the visual cues like all your mates.

Yes, I agree, the lack of discipline is the biggy here. How do you tell a kid who knows no boundaries that you can't poke an adult in the eye, in front of their parents?

Seeline - they turn the TV off when she's watching it. I find it outragous, but they just cause arguments if you try to keep watching.

Well personally I'd just tell the kid that they can't poke an adult in the eye. Very clearly.
If parents can't/won't parent then I'm not going to sit and watch them injure others, or me.
The kids must be used to having rules and boundaries at school, so it shouldn't be too much of a shock for them. I wonder whether they are partly mis-behaving in the hope that a parent might actually notice them...

Ah - maybe I'm just stroppy, but I wouldn't stand for that either! My house, my rules. As I said parents remove the children if they don't like it.

I wish Mum was more stroppy! She certainly can be, but the brother can be equally if not more stroppy, and seems to think he has the moral highground, which makes his stroppiness difficult to fight.

A big underlying cause of this is our Dad died when we were young, so brother has grown up without any form of discipline himself, except his self imposed sort.

It's fine, in my opinion, if they don't want their children to have screen time and I'd have some sympathy if they wanted other adults to be on board (eg. When you go round to Grandma's/auntie's, the relatives don't stick the telly on or hand them a tablet, just like I'd expect relatives not to give children foods that the parents have drawn a line on etc).
What's unreasonable is expecting nobody else to use screens in the presence of their children/ policing what adults watch and do for themselves.

The lack of discipline is a separate issue and the fact that your brother wants a lie in and expects his ageing mother to step in and care for the children is outrageous.

In your shoes I'd strongly suggest that they're not house guests at your mother's due to the additional load and stress it places on her.

I deleted part of this
(eg. When you go round to Grandma's/auntie's, the relatives don't stick the telly on edit CHILDREN'S TELLY or hand them a tablet, just like I'd expect relatives not to give children foods that the parents have drawn a line on etc).

Yes indeed, I should rephrase the point maybe - how do you discipline someone else's child without getting their backs up?

The funny thing is, he's never actually come out and said to me "ok, I need you on my side as I want to ban screens in the family home, are you ok with that".

He just assumed.

Do you live with your mother?
My sibling and I have very different approaches to parenting, in my view they allow far too much screen time ... constant attachment to mobile phones which I know distresses my elderly parent.
My only solution is not to visit when they are there as I get very upset at the disrespectful attitude towards my parent (who daren't say anything for fear of offending).
So by tactful agreement we visit separately win win.

When you say "the family home", whose family home do you mean?

If your brother is hosting family in his home then he can impose a no screens rule. If it's your mother's home then I don't think it's reasonable for him to stop family members who aren't his children from watching TV. It's also incredibly unreasonable of him and his wife/partner to lie in and expect your elderly mother to take care of their kids, but object to her putting the TV on. If he wants to be in total control of what his kids are doing, he needs to be awake and supervising them himself.

No I live with my family. Our lad has had screens all his life, main upbringing has been respect for others. As he has had screens forever he doesn't attach significance to them, doesn't use social media, nor has screen cravings. His visual language is advanced. He struggles to be in the presence of brother's kids as they snatch your phone/laptop as if their lives depended on it and they scream and shout and are generally the exact opposite.

By the family home I mean our Mum's house, as we regularly go there for Christmas, for example. He extends the ban onto her house. And all within it.

Just don't go there for Christmas.. invite you mum to spend Christmas with you or plan a separate visit on your own.

Then you need to tell him, firmly, to get stuffed.

He can't impose this rule on anyone except his own children, and he can't expect anyone else to either abide by the rule or impose it on his own children if he has chosen to have a lie in rather than supervising them.

If he doesn't like it he and his family should stay in their own home for Christmas and let you and yours have a nicer time with your mum.

He doesn’t get to say how you parent your child, or how your DM behaves in her home while he is visiting. Equally, you can’t over rule his decisions re up his kids and screens/tv.

But - if his kids are misbehaving and that affects others - then you can step in. Your brother cannot impose his rules on your parenting.

so - “John , please do not snatch as Lucy’s Switch. It is hers and she is allowed to play with it”
if John says “but I’m not allowed to play on Switch” then you reply “I am Lucy’s mummy and I say she can. Please don’t argue with me” your brother can then deal with the situation!

“right Kids, time to stop shouting and running around inside because we can’t hear what is going on”

Stark, but possible solution yes. Not as stark as the screen ban throughout lockdown which meant poor Mum couldn't see her grandkids growing up :/

They need boundaries

Patents can ban screen time

But

Not for others and not if others are liking after