how do you control your child's emotions?

[help1231]

Hi all,
What strategies do you use to help your child calm down?
Also do you struggle with getting your child outside and away from screens?
Or any advice on helping your child with self control?
Many thanks

How old is your child?

they're 9 but I want to gather advice for any ages, I'm trying to create more of a healthy routine/structure for them as they struggle with anger outbursts

Well, I don't really try anymore.

She's entitled to her big moods as much as I am. I understand I might not wail and get sweaty and become disregulated but she does because she's a child.

We used to try and dampen the big blow ups by going to sit in her room with her and closing the door but actually that was us trying to reduce the noise/disruption for our own needs- peace.

DD has been diagnosed with autism at 10 and we have learned that she needs to guide us. So sometimes it's shouting, sometimes it's screaming into a pillow. Sometimes I give her some kitchen roll to tear up, sometimes she wants a hug and sometimes she wants space. Sometimes she needs fresh air or exercise.

So now that she's older she can tell us what she needs and a lot of time we ask her to try and be specific about physical feelings.

'Is it in you stomach or a headache' food, drink may help).
Are you too hot? (Take some clothes off, open a window)
Buzzing in your ears (music or silence)
Do you need physical comfort (a hug)
Do you feel full of beans (let's go for a walk)

Most of all it was reading the Phillippa Perry book about how by wanting our child to calm down, sometimes that's for our own comfort. Of course we have needs too and sometimes children can't be the best at explaining how they feel but we can help them.

Don't. It's not your job to control their emotions. Being a human is emotional!

While it’s unreasonable to “control” your child’s emotions, I understand you to mean helping your child self manage them appropriately.

I first acknowledge their emotions. What seems small to us is often big to them. “I understand that you’re feeling angry/You appear to be frustrated/etc. It’s hard to stop doing something you enjoy/share/etc.”
Meanwhile I go through my mental list of things that make it hard for a child (or adult) to cope: Hungry? Tired? Ill? Overstimulated? (Of note, for some children screens can be a chance to calm down, but for many it is overstimulating. Sitting still is not necessarily a sign they are calm and resting.) If I realize any of those are a likely issue, I seek to address them. Yes, sometimes time out for hitting is called for before a snack for my 2 year old, but once I handle hitting it’s time to move on to preventative measures, such as food.
If none of those I jump to reminding them that even though they are feeling X, it is unacceptable to yell, throw, etc. I set an example of an alternative, such as taking a deep breath and using words to express themselves before focus on moving forward. (If they do need something else addressed, I explain that message while addressing it.)

Also remember to model your own feelings and how you are handling them out loud. “I’m feeling very grumpy right now. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I think I need to rest/eat/etc.“ or “I’m going to take a deep breath and try again nicer.”

It’s not overnight, but it has helped my kids and others I’ve worked with.

I recently introduced "house rules" including that the children must be dressed, have eaten, and walked outside (not just breathed through a window). This has definitely improved the screen addiction and I'm finding that once they've been out they don't really want devices in such a craving way.

I really struggle with the OTT emotions that come out of nowhere and upset everyone. Just hoping by modelling calm reactions that they will eventually grow out of it.

Behind every emotion is a need. Start there and reflect the need back to them and tell them you're angry and I can understand why... etc. don't invalidate. Listen and contain their feelings. ESP when out of control.