Constant arguments with spouse over childcare

[Maxine89]

I am arguing with my spouse over childcare which is causing a strain in our relationship.

I work two days a week, DS is in nursery one day and my mother watches DS the other day.

He has been telling me that my in laws are upset because they want my mum to take them in the morning then they can swap and pick up DS from my mother then look after them a couple of hours in the afternoon as they finish earlier than I do.

I told my spouse that this was a bad idea as my mother is retired and his parents both work full time. I suggested that they look after DS maybe a couple of hours during the week or the weekend so we can do our shopping. If they want alone time without me being there then it might make them feel better? It's not like we don't see them, we see them twice a week.

I don't know if I should just cave and say go ahead with having both set of parent look after DS on the same day to save fall outs. It just restrict what my mother does with my day when she looks after them, has to cut the day short ie if they are at the park, cafe etc...she needs to go home to hand her over to the other set of grandparents for a couple of hours - it just seems a bit silly to me. My spouse things the childcare should be shared equally but I feel like I am the only person thinking logically about this and also putting our child first.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

If you want them to why don’t they have DC on a non working day, set a mouth of time and set day, to allow you to go to a class/ the gym. This will give them the same amount of time.

If your mum enjoys having her grandchild for a full day once a week, it seems unfair to take that away from her, especially if it’s going to disrupt her day.

Maybe you could ask the in laws if they would babysit for a regular morning or afternoon in the three days you’re at home. Then you’d get some regular time to yourself to book appointments or do a class or whatever, all the grandparents get regular grandchild time and you’re not acting ungratefully towards your mum who is doing you a favour.

Your child is not a possession that other people are entitled to equal hours to.

If the ILs work full time, they really can’t help during the week can they? Your partner is being unreasonable. Your suggestion that they can help at weekend is a good compromise.

You see them twice a week and they want to look after him on another day ? Unless you live with the ILs I'd be cutting that down to
seeing them once and having them look after him once.

I wouldn't reduce time with your mum. I'd ask tj to have him on a day that you're at home so if work gets in the way then it won't matter so much. As you say, it will limit your mum and she'll be reduced to clock watching rather than relaxing with ds.

Sounds really tit for tat, I wouldn’t pander to it because it’s not in your DS’s interests to be picked up from your mum’s at 4 to go to theirs until 6 or whatever. It’s childcare for a human not a timeshare ffs.

Why on earth can't they just have him on another day?

Seems odd to want him on the one day your mum has him. Why don’t they choose another day and take him for a couple of hours for a trip to the park or something.

Put your child first, a separate day would be fine but it's unfair to a child to chop and change like that

It sounds like you'd be asking your mum to do a lot of chopping and changing and organising her day around your in-laws. She's doing you a favour, so I think it would be cheeky to ask her to do that. If the in-laws want to spend time with your son in a similar manner then they need to pick a specific day/ time and commit to it so you can organise your working time around it.

I do feel like it will upset DS, it just feels a bit wrong that he would be getting passed about like a toy. My argument is if they arent willing to be at my doorstep for half 7 so I can leave for work and commit to a full day them they dont get him full stop. They also stay half an hour away whereas my mother is five minutes. I messaged them the other week to say my mum was having him a full day because they were going on a day out and they messaged me back saying 'I'm okay with that, these things cannot be helped' then I thought what a total idiot I was when the ball dropped that I was asking them permission of it was okay that they couldn't look after my child

Unless it was a real necessity (as in an emergency or your mum could no longer do it) I would not do this, it could easily upset your child being passed from ‘pillar to post’ in one day at that age, they thrive on routine. Your son is used to handovers with you and your mum, it could be upsetting for him to have a sudden change especially if they don’t see him quite as much. If the in-laws really want to spend time with your son then they will find a way to do it without upsetting your child’s routine, and making it all about them and their timetable. By all means they can have him on a different day and let him build a loving relationship with them but make sure the focus is on his well-being, not their demands.
Does he still nap? That could be your get out clause.

If they're so desperate for alone time with him, why don't they collect him from nursery on the day he's there?

Trust me, as a grandparent that looks after 2 grandchildren 1 day a week, I’d be delighted if their other grandparents took over the childcare later on in the day! It’s absolutely exhausting, but I’d never tell my DD that!!!
You could work it out to suit eg, if your dm has them at the park, your MIL could meet them there, spend some time together and then take them home for tea. Why not give it a go? Maybe once a fortnight to start off with.

Why are you running past your childcare arrangement details with your mother with these people? Twice a week is tonnes of contact. If your husband wants to dick about, leave it to him entirely to plan and sort. Say ‘sounds great.’ and do absolutely nothing, he can plan timings, contact the various grandparents involved, collect and transport your child, pack for him etc.