Returning to work...

[MrsDaffodil13]

Hey all,

Sorry if I've put this in the wrong place, wasn't sure where it needed to go & just need some advice.

So, prior to LO arrival I was always very career driven and as such I've established quite a high end career which, prior to LO had long hours. I'm talking 6 days a week, 11 hour days. I didn't mind because I absolutely love my job and it allowed me to enjoy the finer things in life such as travelling etc.

Part of my job is negotiating, and I've done exactly that for my work contract. So, part time in my career is not an option, I tried, but was made perfectly clear from the start its not an option. So I have negotiated the following; 8 hour days, 5 days a week (Mon-Fri) with one Saturday a month, where I get a day off in the week in exchange. All under the same rate of pay.

My DD is very bonded with me, and I to her. We spend all our time together and we have a great connection. I love her beyond words can say & it's clear she feels the same way; only I can settle her when she's upset, I get the biggest smiles and the full on belly laughs, I'm constantly told she isn't herself when I'm not around etc. As such, I am fully expecting this to be the hardest thing I've ever done. However, when I was growing up I had 2 jobs in school to help pay for school trips. By 17 I had 3 jobs so I could help my dad with his bills and save for a house deposit. I got my first property at 21. To some this sounds like an achievement I should be proud of, but I'm not. Not in any way shape or form. This is a reality that I do not want my daughter to live. I fully recall how exhausted I was when doing my GCSE's and working two jobs to help my dad pay the mortgage. I had to grow up very quickly. While my friends had party holidays, I worked. I don't want my daughter to have to do this. I want to be able to help her get her foot on the ladder when she is ready, I want her to be able to go on school trips, I want to help her learn to drive, I want everything for her.

So yes, I'll be going back full time to try and ensure this doesn't happen to her. If I quit & find other employment, we could pay the bills, but only just. With the cost of living thr way it is, it would be very tight. Holidays and family days out wouldn't be an option.

With this in mind, despite how difficult I know it will be, I feel obligated to try and make this work for our future. Thankfully, I have a fantastic husband who is incredibly supportive but also very attentive to our daughter. So I know he will do a great job being her primary care giver, and he doesn't care if I decide to throw in the towel; we've decided that I try it for 6 months and if it's too difficult for either me or DD then we will go to plan B and I will find other employment.

Hubby works 4.5 days a week so DD will be with Nana for 2.5 days and in nursery 1.5 days.

So to the crunch, we've made our decision as a couple and the feedback we've received from others has been devastating to me. I've had comments such as the following;

"So you're choosing money over your child?"
"Don't you think being away from you is going to negatively impact her development?"
"Do you really think she's going to care about materialistic things?"
"Babies need their mothers"
"I don't think you're going to be able to do this"

I've also had more cruel ones which cut deep and I can't bring myself to repeat let alone type out. I've always responded calmly and with solutions such as;

"Many children have two parents who work full time"
"I think my absence, in time, will teach her independence and how others can help meet her needs"
"I don't think my child needs materialistic things, but I do know we need to keep a roof over our heads"
"Babies benefit from fathers just as much as mothers"
"I won't know if I can do it or not if I don't try, and I'd rather try and fail than regret"

I've spoken to my DH about it, and he came out with a funny remark, DH said that if he were the primary money earner then no-one would be saying these things, it's just unconventional for the mum to work more while the dad does the "mum things" and I see his point in a way.

Anyway, so the advice I need; how the hell would you respond to these comments and what approach would you take to nip them in the bud? It's been a barrage since we made the decision and it's honestly making me feel like the world's most neglectful mum.

Sorry for the long post, but guess I needed a bit of an outlet too 😞

Majority of people need to go back full time, it's not unusual and especially during time we're at now.

People can be cruel, as long as you and DH are in line and happy and baby is happy that's all that matters.
I wouldn't bring the subject up and engage just dismiss them and say we're trialling it, if it doesn't work we change it, if it works great.

It's hard going back to work and it takes time to get used to the new routine but it does get easier, for you both.
Has baby been left with your mum before? If not, I'd advise to do some trial runs.

Firstly what kind of people say these things? That is awful and these people don't sound supportive at all but sound like they want to take the opportunity to beat you with a stick.

Your baby will be fine, she will learn and adapt. It will be hard for you, of course it will you're mum! Your baby may surprise you and settle better than you think, if she doesn't she will in time.

Many parents have to work more than they'd like. It's the norm nowadays.

I'd just say, make sure the time you have together is quality time. Pay a cleaner to clean the house so you get that extra time with your baby. Get a gardener etc!
Maybe save money so if in the future you change your job you have a pot to dip into.

You're the parents it's your rules. Tbh I wouldn't be so accommodating of others opinions and feel the need to explain yourself.

I have found that usually the people who say those things were stay homers themselves. Because they did it and it worked they don't see the other side

I respond short and curt and don't indulge further 'we need a roof over our head and to provide for our child, if you know someone who will pay me to look after my child do let me know, otherwise we shall continue to do what we need to'

There was both monetary reasons to not give up work but also career related reasons - if you spend a long time, lots of hours, lots of resources and training to get to where you are in your career, can you just give it up for the 3 years between maternity and school that you can spend with them?

Oh and for what it's worth - I went to school from my stay at home mum who spent masses of time and effort with me and cried for around 2 months, I remember it, I felt I was abandoned and tortured. In contrast my son having done nursery pottered in on his first day saying hello to the other children and gave me nothing but a fleeting 'bye mummy' and a massive smile. His independence and happiness in new places is massive, so no regrets :)

So your baby will have excellent role models - parents who work hard and provide for them . Two plus days with grandparents- excellent- the more bonds children have with people who love and care for them the better - it will give them confidence, self esteem.
Im a nanny and I can tell you mum and dad are always the most important bond for a child . They won’t measure your love by the time you spend with them but by how loved they are with you .
top tip - have a good bedtime routine and don’t be tempted to keep them up because you haven’t seen them all day . Children kept up too late don’t sleep well in the night or for naps . They become irritable and unhappy .
Record some stories on a talking book app and they can hear your voice in the day, get grandparents to WhatsApp what they are up to .
As other have said get a cleaner and have fun weekends .

Thanks for all the feedback - looking into a cleaner, so huge thanks for this tip!

It's been really helpful to have some support here & to also vent it!

I've since had @HAF1119 feedback in mind; kept my responses more blunt and the people in question have been taken back & more supportive with their follow-up remarks

Thanks all ❤️

Most end up back at work full time, don’t waste yr time with a reply.

I would just ignore it it works for you and your family and your little girl will adapt and become more sociable. My 16 month old has been going childminder for 2 days a week since 9 months old and as of next week is going 3 days a week. I work in a school 12-1:30pm Monday to Friday and then on a Monday Thursday and now Tuesday I do 9-3 at the school while she’s with her childminder. I then get the holidays off and she can still go which again if I want to I’ll keep her off but if not I’ll have a day to myself. It works for me my mental health and my child So I don’t really care. Her dad even screwed his face up when I said she was going for an extra day.

id ignore and ignore or simply tell them
it's what works for us and that’s what matters so to back off.

keep going I know it’s a hard decision but you can’t miss out on your own life and dreams because your a parent.

I think you are looking at opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of either working a very full on job and your DD having it all or working a less full on job and her having to work during GCSEs.

There is also going to be a middle ground. Opt for a smaller house, have just the one DC, and change the career if it's not family friendly. Your post makes it sound like you earn mega bucks so I understand if you don't want to downgrade housing etc, but it is another option. You shouldn't have to send her up chimneys just because you change career.

Hi OP
I have a big full time job and my DP is the one with the more flexible role and who is the default if DC is sick e.t.c.

I have had similar comments to those you describe - one friend seemingly admiringly said "gosh well done I couldn't bare to miss my baby growing up!"

My DC are happy, bonded and we have a really lovely routine. I treasure my annual leave and focus on them. Somewhere there's a thread from me under a different username having the exact same wobble. Nearly a year on and we're doing GREAT.

You don't need to give others a reason. And you're allowed to choose the career you've chosen for YOU, not just the ways it benefits your kids.

Parents who are happy, fulfilled, secure (emotionally and financially) are an incredible gift to children. Don't let the comments bring you down, keep your eye on the long game.

Good luck x

I have looked at a change of career, but unfortunately this is all I've ever done. Started off as the flyer girl and now 10 years later im a department head. I have no experience or training in anything else. So anything I take would be a lateral move or retraining in a new profession entirely. I have considered studying at home if it comes to that, to maybe become a teacher because the hours are amazing, albiet hard work with some kids (lol)!

But the thing is, I absolutely love my job, and thats why I'm good at it. I have a passion for it. I guess that's why people have the opinion that I'm being selfish 🤷🏻‍♀️

@sarahsarahsara wow your post made me feel so much better, thank you ❤️

I've not got anyone in my circle to relate to or use as an example, so your words are a huge relief - thank you and well done you for making it work! 😊

@MrsDaffodil13 That's a great point. I have a couple of friends with absolutely huge jobs. I love seeing them because they give no apologies for travelling for work regularly or late evenings in the office - and I know they're incredible mothers with very loved kids. I ask myself: do I think they're neglectful mothers with the wrong priorities? No! I think they're capable, loving mothers doing their best. And the same applies to me and you!

I think it's pretty normal to have a bit of a wobble but personally I was a much better parent for having time doing a job that fulfilled me. I remember getting a load of those comments too and, looking back, they were nearly all from grade a bitches who would have been horrible whatever I'd done and just needed to put others down to feel better about themselves. Tht or just didn't like their jobs very much. I made a conscious effort to surround myself with strong, supportive, women and it helped my confidence massively. I suggest you do the same.

On a slightly less positive note, you may find later in your career that it's less financially worth it (there's a tax cliff at 50k and 100k that especially affects parents of more than one child) so it may be worth having a plan for if you hit that point. Working full time to benefit your family is one thing but being financially worse off to spend less time with your child is hard.

Honestly, I could've written your post when my daughter was little. She is now a really well adjusted teen who understands that if you want things in life you work for them. Yes, she is privileged in some ways- for example she has realised that some of her friends families are not able to afford all of the school trips that she's been on, but she appreciates that she is fortunate to be able to do them all. She also does lots of extra curricular activities, which really add to her life opportunities.

She's working really hard towards her exams because she knows that like us she wants to have a good job.

Are you doing what is best for your family at this stage in your life.

It will be tough at first, but you will adjust, as will your little one. Good luck to you

Update: just posting an update for those who read my original post and felt "wow I can relate..."

I had my first day at work yesterday, second today. Everyone in the team were welcoming and absolutely fantastic. Nursery contacted me regularly as they knew how nervous and upset I was. Turned out, she was absolutely fine, had a great day - it was only me who was the wreck! 🤣 Turns out my worry about our strong bond was actually misplaced, the fact we have a strong bond let's her know I'm always coming home to her. ❤️

On a serious note, I've been kept very busy in work which is a fantastic distraction. Little things that I didn't know I missed, like carrying a handbag, dressing in a sharp suit instead of slacks or my 'mum jeans', being able to enjoy a hot cup of coffee over adult conversation, slipping into my work heels, all things that made me feel like me again!

Yes I thought about her, yes I missed her, but coming home to that cheeky grin, bouncing chubby legs and delightful squeals makes me know what I'm working for. Her.

Huge thank you to the supportive comments on here. Remembering your words has helped to get me through. Especially you @Snowdropsarelovely

Much love ❤️
xoxox

I'm so glad to hear your first few days back went well!