CM Club: Sympathy needed - DS behavior really getting to me

[KaySamuels]

Aaarggghh!!

DS is 3 and has always been brlliant with me childminding but the worm seems to have turned. He has started rebelling the past few weeks, key worker at nursery noticed too, and to be quite frank is driving me to the edge.

Some examples....
He has always walked really well when out but now runs off or refuses to move.
Indoors he screams if baby mindees approach him, or his toy of the hour. This means he is almost constantly screeching/whining/shouting/nagging.
He keeps announcing that mindee wants to go home.
He keeps getting toys out but throws a paddy if I want to put any away.
He has just broken our big happyland toy box by sitting in it on the sofa and rocking it over.
Is still not sitting on the toilet and is also denying needing a wee and wetting himself which he never used to do.

I think this is a mixture of three yr old behaviour and picking up on my stress...
I am so fed up I want to cry. I am lonely childminding, DP and I have been having problems, my mortgage hasn't been paid this month, and now ds is playing up. I just don't know what to do.

When I say he is driving me to the edge I don't mean in a violent way. I am just in despair and want to go to bed for several weeks and cry and sleep - either that or sit crying in a corner. Neither of which would be productive.

oh you sound as if your having a bad time at the moment >>>hug

I dont drive and nearest playgroup is 40min walk. Used to do this once a week but now I have a part timer on that day so can't do it. Miss adult company.

Aw Kay

Much sympathy

All I can suggest is divert/distract/catch him being good to turn it around.

Hard, I know when you are not really on top form at the mo.

poor you that is a long way away
are there other cm in your area? could you go to a friends/vice versa

You're right, it probably has a bit to do with his age. It may also be that he is regressing slightly because you have a younger child in the house. He's always been the baby and now he sees someone else being the baby. That could be some of the reason for his regression on the toilet. From his point of view, he's the baby ad if he can do a wee properly, you just call him a big boy and he doesn't want to be a big boy, he wants to be the baby and someone else has that role.

You need to turn it all around, back to him, so that the things he does get big rewards. You need to say things like, 'when mindee goes home, we can.....' or maybe get him to help you do things for mindee. How aout making a scrap book of pictures for minded children. If he thinks he's being helpful and he's had fun doing it might help.

He is probably picking up on stress vibes between you and DH too. Is DH still there? Are you sorting things? I assume you have spoken to the bank? If not, don't bury your head. I've done that in the past and it doesn't make it go away. Speak to them and tell them you're in trouble and need some help. They will help and don't be fobbed off immediately. Keep ringing until you find someone that will be sympathetic to your needs.

Thanks for all these replies, have bundled ds and mindee into double buggy and are braving the cold for a trip to park. I need to get out of the house! W"ill come back this aft and read through.
x Kay

Agreed about the age/stress thing. Can you fill your days with playdates (ie. come to you vs you to them)? My daughter is very much high on the attention seeking stuff and it's keeping her busy. It's very exhausting, and she doesn't sleep well either so we are on the 24 hour parenting and entertaining and it's just plain exhausting. YOu have my sympathy. x

MML I think you are right about the babies, I have two 1yrolds, one full time (who I am very attached to), and a new part time one who is also lovely, so yes he may well be feeling I am packing him off to nursery and they are taking his place. He is the baby in our family and does cling to this status! For example he can drink perfectly out of a cup but usually insists on a beaker.
Have tried the when x goes home we will.. but then he just natters all day or declares that x wants to go home now. DP still here we are working through it but it is sad and scary and upsetting at times.

Crace my ds doesn't sleep well either and know exactly what you mean - you feel you never get a break as even your nights are disturbed.

Our short outing blew away the cobwebs, mindee asleep now! So I am going to fix me and ds some lunch. Thanks for your replies it helps to know someone is out there listyening to my rambling!

I think you do need to find places to go or you will go loopy. Did you ever have a support minder? Can you ring the early years centre and ask for one if not?
Is there any churches local to you? most churches run m&t groups if not is there a soft play place? (i know its more money going out that you haven't got BUT it will help your sanity, the children will have loads of fun and will be tired when they get home plus its good for business as word of mouth will spread, ask them if you can put a flyer up or business cards on the counter? Even just email or ring round a few local childminders you could find they are the same as you and if not ask them what they do. All childminders can understand how it feels to be in your position we've all been there - well i have! I've now been doing it nearly 2 yrs and have plans most mornings even if only for an hour it gets us out of the house. Local libraries have bounce and rhyme too, have you tried that? If worst comes to the worst bear in mind spring is only round the corner and you can get out for a walk to the park at least.

This too shall pass as they say.

I don't know what your problems are with your dp but i do know life is too short to be miserable, you can get more finacial help if he leaves so if it really isn't working don't struggle on like this, obviously if you think it is going to work then of course you must try but perhaps suggest counselling, if he refuses to go you have your answer about how hard he is willing to work on saving your relationship imo.

Your son's behaviour will improve along with your mood. Yes take on board all the tips and try your best to do them but the bottom line is if you're unhappy he will be too, you're his mum he loves you and wants you to be happy, he's only 3 and whilst not a baby he is still too small to understand why you're stressed (say you were cross about the broken toy on top of everything else going on he will think but i only broke a toy she doesnt usually get this cross about it but to you its the straw that broke the camels back - just a thought?) Personally I would insist he has a cup and when he asks for beaker say no you don't need that now you're my big boy etc

It's the Troublesome Three's.
You need to be Firm and Consistent. Children of this age can respond well to time-out, as they generally want to please you and want to be with you, thus they want to avoid separation from you. They also start to recognise rules more, so you can have simple rules which they will follow (some of the time )
1-2-3 with 3 mins time-out if get to 3, I am finding this works well. This week I brought a new time-out timer (a wind-up apple kitchen timer, which ticks) and the 3 year old I care for has adopted this as his own. He calls it his 'naughty timer'... today it wasn't used at all - he has been great all day.

Aw Kay, i cant suggest anymore than whats been send but wanted to give you a squeeze cos you sound like your not having a good time lately..how did today turn out?, any better?, can you talk about things with dp?, get that sorted?.xxx

OH KAY sorry you're going through this - my ds is also three and we seemed to totally bypass the terrible two's - then almost overnight at three he turned into a bloody nightmare

thankfully we seem to be over the hump now and he's mainly settled back down - i think a lot of it was from being tired from starting pre-school etc

has he been worse since he had that fall/injury at pre-school?

sorry you feeling lonely i think i'd go loopy if i didn't go to my groups

Hi everyone, thank you all so much for replying.

To answer a few q's:
DP and I will be going to relate, had an intro session on saturday, now just waiting for a regular slot. I think we can get through it. (If not it will be me leaving)

Our finances are a terrible mess, and until we are both earning more will continue to be!

DS has been worse behviour wise since was pushed at preschool. But has been asking to go this week (half term here).

DS gets time out in kitchen if naughty, sometimes works well, sometimes doesn't phase him! Will check out that link nick thanks.

Last night I had a chat with ds, DP asked him if he wanted to be a big boy or a baby - DS declared baby! Don't know what to do with him!

Not sure what to do about beaker issue. If I just had him at home would bin them all but both 1yr old mindees use beakers so they will always be around the house. Have got him back to weeing in the loo past 24hrs with the reward of a chocolate penny - poos he will not entertain sitting on toilet for tho!

Kay my 4yr old dd is veyr much liek this as well...would eat her chicken sndwhich tonight(went shopping from work it was one of those fun party box type from morrisons cafe)..i said fine, but you dont get anything else..she says..not even my yogurt?..yogurts are healthy..i say no not even your yogurt..not even the loevly choc icecreams ive bought when we get home(thinking im twisting her arm)..no doesnt matter dont want one then!..FFS KIDS!

Oh I can totally sympathise too! my dd is somewhat the same as well!

We are currently experiencing major tantrums when she doesn't get her own way! She gets time out on the bottom stair (it's not a 'naughty' step, I promise ) and it seems that the threat of going on the stair is starting to prove enough. Last week we had a couple of full on melt down tantrums that she completely wet herself. That has stopped now thankfully but it was very very frustrating I can assure you.

I have noticed that sometimes just ignorning the behaviour before it gets too bad makes her realise that she isn't going to win in a battle of our wills!!

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time!
Both my dds were harder work between the ages of 3 to 4, much harder then when little toddlers !
dd2 who is hearly 4, has been jealous first of her new younger brother, and now as I am back minding again, she has been very jealous towards 2 yr old mindee. I was quite horrified when she actually hit her ! That is very unlike her, but I put it down to her 'baby' stattus being taken away first by ds, now by another littler person.
It has got better though lately, she and ds have bonded and have been giggling non stop, no jealously there now.
With mindee, I have just tried to give dd2 extra hugs and cuddles when she is being nice, and kind of turn my back on her, ignore, when she is mean. It has worked so far and feel I am winning.
think she also feels like your ds, that she is sometmes packed off to nursery, while ds and mindee get me all to themselves.
Can't be helped though, we need to work ! Hope it gets better for you.

tHANKS EVERYONE, oops! Feeling much better now, been doing nice things with ds whenever I get chance for one on one, baking and stories, etc.

I am going to try and plan a little outing each morning of the week, even if we just walk to pet shop to look at the animals! This time of year is always bad, when the sun comes out I will feel so much better!

Good to know I am not alone too with dc behaviour. He has always been very good so this has come as quite a shock to the system!!

I am also trying to watch what I call him, and I am trying to not call him a baby or a big boy. Am calling him my lovely little boy and giving him lots of hugs and kisses and telling him I love him.

my ds had two major melt-downs today

i find it very hard to deal with when i have 2 mindees to look after too - i think he must be coming down with something as this was very unlike him - we had full on crying/sobbing/shouting/snot pouring nose yuck - i tried to distract him , tried everything really to no avail so in the end i put him in bed and left him to it as i was seriously close to losing my temper with him

i caught my ds today on top of one of my mindees punching her.
whats the best way to react to that?

i need to deal with him but i also need to calm mindee down.

ds also openly says i dont like 3=5 and i never want them to come back.

any suggestions?

sorry for hi jacking the thread

oh my god - well i'd 've put him on the "naughty step" [yes i DO use one] and given lots of sympathy to upset mindee - then dealt with him once she had calmed down - i'd make him apoligise for it too

how old is your ds? is he jealous?

my ds [3yrs] gets jealous of mindees if i'm comforting them

If my dd is pushing or shouting at any of the mindees she goes straight on the bottom stair and I go and deal with the mindee. I will basically try and ignore her until I have dealt with what I am doing and then talk to her about what she has done. She is starting to understand that getting my attention is not done by playing up!!
The same goes for the mindees to though. If they hurt someone else (another mindee, dd, or me) then they get sat out the way until the situation has been dealt with and calmed down.