Advice needed

[SadDad1984]

So I’m reaching out for some support as I don’t know what to do for the best. I feel really guilty writing this post so I hope no one judges me poorly. I just need some honest advice please: I separated from my wife during the pandemic and we co-parent a 6 year old child. He is truly amazing and I love him to pieces, I love spending time with him, watching him grow and learn about the world. And he loves me. We are the perfect Father / Son combination. The problem? I’m not happy. I co-parent around his mums shifts ;’(she is a nurse) meaning I have him Mon-Tues / Sat-Sun one week and Wed-Fri the next. The weekdays are hard because I am a very busy line manager and, as all single parents will know, it’s hard to prioritise your work and childcare.
Thats not really the problem though, I can cope with that. The problem is I’ve met someone very special to me, but she isn’t local. Neither are any of my friends. I have no family to support me and everyone I know apparent from my ex, my son and my work colleagues are more than an hours drive away, minimum. Most are the other side of the country and money is tight to visit them as often as I’d like.

I feel trapped. Those days where I don’t have my son, particularly those weekends I don’t care for him I feel very alone. I’ve tried finding social groups and making new friends but I lack confidence to do so. I’ve joined a gym and try to keep busy but nothing seems to work. Im utterly depressed and feel that my depression will ultimately affect my son. Im thinking more and more about leaving, being with my girlfriend and my friends and family but I know that will absolutely devastate my son.

There’s no way my ex will consider moving just for me and I feel that really I just need to stay where I am to support him until he’s 18. I’m willing to do that, but I worry my anxiety will get on top of me at some point. Is it right to have these thoughts of leaving? I don’t want to be that guy but I’m running out of ideas. So, in my hour of need, I’m reaching out to the lovey people of mums net for advice. All ideas welcome. Thank you all

I can’t imagine moving away from my kids. I’d persist with long distance if there’s any chance she might think again, if not I think you let this one go. That said it’s a long shot but might your ex move, it’s a huge ask but if you went childcare for her without you would be awful.

Oh OP. Sending hugs. I can empathise with your feelings. It sounds like you’re a great dad with your boy and I don’t think you need to feel guilty about feeling the way you do. You’re also you’re own person as well as a parent and that is hard to reconcile some (a lot?!) of the time

Only the other day I met a dad at a kids club waiting for his daughter. He had moved here from Australia to follow his ex and be near his DD… and where I live is not worth moving from Australia for! I also used to work with a dad who drove 3 hours after work every Friday night to see his kids over the weekend, even the weekends he didn’t have them just so he could be close by, just in case. when his kids were young they didn’t appreciate this but now they’re in their 20s themselves, they realise the sacrifices their dad made and he is their absolute hero. I give these examples only to say you’re not alone, even though it might feel that way

I assume that you moving further away would mean you can’t have your son on the same sort of pattern you do currently?

I can’t say what is right or wrong for you but if it were me, I would not leave my son - even though I truly appreciate the feelings of being trapped and isolated. I would end up holding a lot of regret and guilt that IMO would ultimately make me feel far worse. And it will affect your son :(

You may already do this or it might be obvious but one thing you might try is to take some time to plan the next month to 6 weeks ahead. Look at the times where you don’t have your son and start to think what you might like to do with that weekend - who or what to visit, or cook or try or whatever… plan things into the diary to ‘look forward to’ … even things you wouldn’t normally do. That way it helps with budgeting too! I seem to find that helps you feel less trapped because you have something to look ahead for. It’s not a miracle cure but it might help?

xxx

Thank you!

this is really helpful advice especially about planning ahead. :)