How to care for a newborn and a toddler at the same time: words of advice, please!

[Roberta2020]

Hello Mumsnet crowd,

I have recently become the lucky mum of our second boy, and, well, I am slightly freaking out. because my other son, 3yo, is taking it so, so very bad. It's only been five days, and he has already started screaming, not sleeping, crying for any minor issue, the whole shebang. 3yo was going to go to preschool in April, but unfortunately they did not have any space and so we'll have to wait till September. In the meantime, I am at home with two young children, and I don't feel I am able to handle this.
So if any of you are or have been in the same situation, please could you provide Honest Advice on the following topics:

1. Should I look for a replacement prescholar environment for my 3yo right now? Is this something that can be arranged at such short notice? And is that going to shatter him completely, thus making things worse?
2. Should I ask my mother in law (who is a sweetheart but lives 45 mins away from here) to help me with 3yo one or two mornings a week, and should I pay her to do so?
3. Activity ideas for activities that can work with two children, of which one is breastfeeding constantly?

Thank you all!

Roberta

It's early days.
I wouldn't send your eldest away that's going to make it worse. As he's not been to playgroup or nursery he would feel more pushed out.
Make sure any visitors ignore the baby until they have talked with and been their normal selves with your son.
Put baby down when you can and play.
Get him involved helping get nappies etc. Tell him how clever etc he's being.
Feed times get a book to read together.
Ask nanny over and get her to mix some baby time so you get time with eldest with time with your son so he's not left out either.
Baby will feed less often and you will get more time in between.

I bought a set of wooden cars that came out each feed time. My toddler soon began to love it when I fed the baby. I also bought him his first garage and it meant we stayed in more and he sat and played so nicely with it.

I found toddler groups great - the type you find in church halls. I know they're not for everyone but it meant the toddler could play and mix with others whilst I could sit and feed the baby and chat. You even get a hot drink!

When at home try and make the most of when the baby sleeps to give lots of attention to the toddler.

Have a box of special toys/books that are only for when the baby is feeding.

I tried to keep to the toddler routine in terms of meal times, activities, groups, bedtime etc and the baby just had to fit in.

Truthful answer, I have two children 3 years apart. I let the 3 year old watch a lot of Winnie the Pooh videos while I nursed my newborn. She hadn’t been allowed much screen time before that, and she was mesmerised.

Should I look for a replacement prescholar environment for my 3yo right now? Is this something that can be arranged at such short notice? And is that going to shatter him completely, thus making things worse?

I wouldn’t. He’s adjusting to a huge change in his life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to introduce anymore big changes to him. And you certainly don’t want him to feel like he’s being “pushed away” to pre school because of the baby.

I spent a lot of time feeding sat on the floor, leaning against the sofa, whilst playing games one handed eg doing jigsaws together, playing with a train set, Teddy bears picnic. You can also give him colouring or sticker books to do.

It’s a really hard adjustment (now is not the time to read those “oh baby number two just slotted right in, it was a breeze” kind of mumsnet threads ) but I promise that the dust settles after a while. Hang in there, try to just focus on the day you’re living and try to brush away those “I can’t do this for another six months!!” Thoughts. Life will look different in one month, three months, six months etc. Your eldest’s behaviour and sleep will settle down.

If you can frame going to Grandma (MIL) as something he gets to do now because he is such a big boy & baby is not allowed to because theyre not big enough yet, then id consider that. Wont tire him out as much as preschool and might make him feel special.

I had 2 under 2. It was fucking tough. So I think also just acknowledge to yourself that it will be hard and dont feel bad about excess screen time for the 3 year old if you have to use it.

We played treasure hunts when breastfeeding youngest. Id hide items around the house the night before and then sit on couch and give her clues of where to find.

We also played what was basically "fetch" as awful as that sounds. Id just throw the ball as far as possible from my feeding chair and "time" how long it took her to get it.

She had a special snack lunchbox too. Only came out when i was breastfeeding. Preloaded the night before. So baby was having a snack and so was she.

Anything in a "tent" was usually good. Sheet over the couch type job.

Then TV, TV, TV.

And also she had a doll that the new baby brought her that she washed/changed/fed alongside me caring for the new baby.

Also, my mum (7 kids!) said to be very vocal with the baby about how you are doing something with toddler first. E.g. " no baby, you will need to wait for that nappy change as toddler needs a drink etc". So they know they are still importsnt/a priority.

The difficulties pass pretty quickly. I went to toddler groups etc but mine are closer in age.