Childminder stress

[wincarwoo]

We have used our childminder for nine years. Recently she has suffered from menopause symptoms and has seemed to struggle settling in a new baby. This has resulted in her snapping at my eldest daughter (8) a number of times.

I intend to speak to her about this as obviously my daughter is unhappy.

Is this sufficient with the expectation that the snapping stops permanently?

Have you seen any of the exchanges? I would bear in mind that hormonal changes in 8 year olds are also happening and therefore the snapping maybe more a firm telling the off. Not saying there isn't an issue but 8s to 14 a very difficult age.

Thanks no I haven't witnessed any of the exchanges and I realise their might be "interpretation"

It isn't really a telling off. Most recent example is my daughter reporting that another child hasn't got a cup and the CM responding with a sharp "well I'm doing dinner now that's my priority" in an unfriendly way.

Her character is quite highly strung and by the way she speaks to parents I can really see how stress would influence the way she communicates.

Has your daughter said what she was doing at the time when the childminder snapped at her. As previously said, could it have been a telling off at all?

when you say the childminder is struggling to settle a new baby has the childminder told you this? Sometimes settling in can be tricky and has nothing to do with the childminder going through the menopause.

Just because a woman goes through menopause it doesn’t mean they’re less capable.

Reading your post, the childminder’s circumstances may well be making her prone to feeling stressed and this leads to her snapping at your daughter. I think we’d all sympathise with the childminder but it isn’t acceptable for her to speak sharply with the children.

Your daughter’s telling of the missing cup sounds believable.

It would be reasonable for you to ask to speak to the childminder privately, without any children present, and tell her about your concerns. Hopefully she will respond positively and take your comments on board. You could suggest talking again in a couple of weeks to check there has been an improvement.

Thanks @Honeysuckle16 that's what I will do.

@Shalapoo the menopause is contributing to her stress levels. I know this as she tells me, along with settling the baby. My point is that her circumstances should not impact the level of care my daughter is receiving. It is only in the last few months that I have noticed a change and my daughter is telling me how unhappy she is.

Given your longstanding relationship with the CM and the fact you haven't witnessed it yourself, I'd be tempted to have a private chat starting with "I just wanted to check whether everything's ok?" You'll get your chance to explain why you're asking, but less chance of a struggling woman either a) reacting defensively or b) feeling any shitter than she probably does already.

Good idea. I'll try and approach it sensitively.

I use to be a childminder and yes there are times when it can feel overwhelming especially if health or difficult children are a factor. You need a conversation with childminder. I'd be concerned if she gets defensive or denies it out right. Whether you stay with her would for me depend on her reaction and how your daughter feels about staying

You're talking about the level of care, but the example you give doesn't sound like something that should worry an 8 year old child.
I'd be concerned about her resilience rather than the childminder's stress, unless you have more worrying examples, or the childminder is continually snapping at the children.
The fact that your DD has mentioned this to you indicates that it isn't usual behaviour for the childminder. If she was constantly snapping, your DD probably wouldn't think it was out of the ordinary enough to mention.

It's good that your DD noticed a child without a cup - we encourage them to look out for the others - but I'd also expect an 8 year old to simply get the cup themselves rather than asking the childminder to stop what she was doing to get it. Our older children help by laying the table for meals and get the cutlery, cups and plates for everyone from the cupboard. That's common practice for a childminder setting, where we encourage the children to be independent and to think for themselves.

Yes, theoretically everything in the garden is rosy, women are a Mother Mary Meek and Mild figure, and adults talk to children like Fop talks to Bing.
In the real world, adults may be irritated by a child fussing about a cup when they're busy trying to get a meal for hungry children before the parents start arriving.
Of course it's not ideal to show that irritation, but children will eventually encounter the real world, where people aren't always patient and gentle, and conversations can sometimes be robust. At 8 years old, I expect your DD has already done so at school.

Thanks for your message. I disagree. There have been other reports of snapping which can be related to other circumstances in the CMs life.
I expect my children to be treated with respect by the childminder and spoken to similarly. I pay for a level of care and expect this level to be delivered. I do not pay for "resilience learning experiences."

Your childminder isn’t a robot, much like any human she may be a little short at times. Sometimes someone can come across as snapping when actually they are just being direct and to the point or pointing out the obvious.

You now say that there have been other occasions of snapping.

If I payed for a childminders services for 9 years we would have built a relationship in that time based on trust. If one of my children came to me and said she had snapped at them I would talk to her, I would be concerned if she was ok.

jus have a sensitive chat with the childminder

You now say that there have been other occasions of snapping.

To be fair the Op mentioned there had been numerous occassions in her very first post Shalapoo.

I'd be seeing if I could find another CM or after school club if I was you Op, even if you have a chat I just think this kind of thing is unlikely to change. I agree you are paying for a service, not some kind of character building experience.

It may be that DD has outgrown the childminder. Is there a wraparound option at school with children of her own age that could suit her better?

If you want her to stay with the childminder a non confrontational conversation is the way to go.

As you've known this childminder for so many years, I would have an informal chat with her to see what is going on. It may be that your childminder is stressed or that certain children (not necessarily yours) are testing her patience.

Also, agree that your DD may be outgrowing a childminder setting. I have known many children who once they hit 9/10 years, they are bored at a childminders/other after school settings and don't like being around younger children and babies. This doesn't mean that the childminder has done anything wrong. It's a natural progression with children in the run up to starting secondary school when they need to be fully independent.

I think 8 is too old to be going to a childminder setting. Get a nanny to collect from school and go straight home or utilise after school care (which usually runs until 6pm in many schools).

Thanks for replies. The issue isn't with the age of my child. It is the behaviour of the childminder who we will speak to directly and sensitively.

Why would you think that I have 11 year olds and senior schools who still pop in when they need after school company. Childminders do lots of different things

Presumably OP uses a childminder in part because she can't afford a Nanny? Or else doesn't want an employee?

Quite right @Postapocalypticcowgirl. A nanny is not a childminder equivalent.

I didn't say anything about the childminder "providing resilience learning experiences" so there's no need to be snide.
I said I'd be concerned about the resilience of an 8 year old that was upset by the conversation you quoted. You haven't provided any other examples, so I assume they are all similar incidents.

The childminder saying she is busy at the moment doesn't sound terrible. Are you sure she said it on an unfriendly way? Is your daughter being particularly sensitive? Are the other examples similar?