Au pair house rules

[Tosca99]

Dear Wise Mumsnetters,

We are considering getting an au pair soon. For those of you who have had au pairs, what house rules did you put in place prior to the placement? Clearly we want them to enjoy their time in the U.K., but first and foremost need them to respect our house and family. For example, we would be uncomfortable having any partners stay over, as it is inviting someone who isn’t vetted by us into our home.

Just curious to know what rules you put in place first, as I figured it’s easier if both parties are clear from the outset and know the terms of the placement, as opposed to dealing with issues as they arise.

There are probably many areas that we haven’t considered as we are new to this, so all advice / tips welcome! Thank you in advance!

I was an au pair (many years ago now) and one thing I would say is to make sure you have a clear schedule of when au pair is on/off and absolutely respect that.

The line between working and not working can become very blurred, I found, and the best family I ever lived with made it very clear when I was 'off' so I could relax and be comfortable around the home and with them. Other families I only felt like I had a break when I physically left the house.

I was an au pair and its not so much about rules before they visit its about having a good conversation about all aspects of the placement. Don't tell the au pair 'the rules' but do have discussions about everything and he specific. For example 'you may wish to stay over at a friends house from time to time. that's obviously fine with us but we wanted to mention that we would prefer not to have strangers in our home. do u think this would work for you?' House rules sound very condescending!

I had an au pair when I was a child, her jobs were to take DSIS to primary school, walk the dog twice a day - the second dog walk was to walk to my secondary school, meet me on the street outside and collect DSIS from a neighbours house on the way back. She also did some light housework. She could do what she wanted at the weekend unless DM needed a babysitter for Friday or Saturday night.

I do remember lots of arguments between her and DM over then amount of food she ate, DM said she would get home from work every day and find the fridge had been raided so I would say be clear what food is included - breakfast, lunch and dinner with the family for example and what foods etc they need to provide for themselves.

DSIS used to get really annoyed that the au pair used to get her hamster out of the cage all the time and play with it without asking (I don't know why because DSIS never played with it!) so if you have any pets maybe some rules about who feeds them, letting them out etc.

We had an au pair (female, 23) a few years ago primarily to help with the dog/station/teenage DD’s school runs whilst I took a 12 month contract. It worked very well but probably because we had very clear boundaries before she arrived. There are regs in place regarding what is considered to be an au pair in terms of hours so consider what you need and work backwards. Be mindful that you are in a buyers market so au pairs are most likely to choose positions nearest to big cities, they expect their own room/bathroom access to a car (consider how you would insure) etc. cleaning duties (except for cleaning after themselves) does put a lot of them off. We had a type of offer letter stating hours on duty (was roughly 2 hours morning and 2 hours evening) what was expected during those hours and would be unacceptable behaviour and dismissal (drugs/alcohol abuse/guests overnight without asking whilst in charge) etc. you also need to consider holidays which may not suit the AP. It is usual for hosts to provide flights back at least twice a year (Xmas and summer). AP’s have a large on line community so be warned that if your position is very hard work (babies/toddlers/constant requirement to provide babysitting) they’ll be up and off. We agreed one night of babysitting per week, we provided an oyster/travel card for the weekend for her, language classes, a fully expensed car during the week/evenings and she spent most weekends visiting the uk/spending time with other AP’s. We did not expect any cleaning or cooking and she was treated as an extra family member, ate with us, was invited on family trips etc. Ours worked very well but I’m aware that there are others who did not fare as well!

I’d also add that although our AP could drive, she was used to driving on the other side of the road… so before she started, I got a local driving instructor to take her out in our car so she was ready to drive safely on A roads/roundabouts etc with DD in the car.

Thank you - that’s really helpful and some great info. Out of interest, what did you pay the au pair per week?

@Tosca99 i’m sorry, it was 5 years ago now so I really can’t recall. I’d have paid the upper amount of guidelines for pocket money to avoid them looking elsewhere once here. AP’s swap photos of their situation so make sure it is as attractive a proposition as possible. At the time this was:
-Own Bathroom
-Near to london
-flights home x 2
-weekends off
-no domestic work (cleaning/ironing)
-all food/toiletries provided (she added to the online shop anything she needed)
-access to a car
-travel card for the weekend
-prior agreed holidays
-language classes (local college)
-Access to the family Netflix etc account

We did treat her like an older daughter. It was clear from what she told us that this was not the case for a lot of AP’s she met in the area who were basically expected to be cheap FT nannies plus cleaners.

I’d check if there is a boyfriend/girlfriend on the scene (ours didn’t) if they drink (ours didn’t) and we met her parents online before she came (that swung it for her mum apparently).

hope that helps, good luck!

We did pay her on a Friday every week in cash. She signed a little receipt book so there was no misunderstanding.

My best advice would be to ask them to arrive a week before to get settled/familiarise with the family/tour of the area. And recall what you’d like to have known at the same age in a foreign country. And consider how you’d like your own child to be treated by a host family.

I envy today's au-pairs. Cleaning was totally part of my job 20 or so years ago.

"light housework" has always been part of an au-pair brief but many employers take advantage of that. What it actually means is things like ironing the children's clothes, cooking for the children etc.
I worked as an au-pair in 1987 and was very lucky to have a good family who understood that an au-pair is neither a nanny or a maid and the pocket money reflects that.
It's much more regulated these days (and with good reason)
I'd advise doing a lot of research first @Tosca99 of the legalities both from the au pair's point of view, and your own. As it's far more of a situation whereby the au pair generally does it to earn a bit of money while living abroad for a while, there are lots of things that the employer has to agree to do that you wouldn't with a live in nanny or domestic help iyswim.

I had Aupairs when the kids were little and most of them stayed between 18-months to 3 years so we can’t have been too bad to work for

cleaning was absolutely part of the job. We were very clear about that and it was 2 hours twice a week,

we did 7.30 - 9.30 and 3.30-6.30 on my working days when it was clean up after breakfast, drop at school, tidy kids rooms in the morning and the afternoon was pick up from school, heat up kids dinner and generally supervise a bit of homework. Plus clear up

non work days were 7.30 - 10.30 and 5-7 tidy up, cleaning in the morning and evening were generally give a hand, look after one child while I took the other to activites etc

2 nights babysitting including a Saturday night

they had a nice room, all food, no en-suite, no travel card, I paid for phone in the early days before they had smart phones. They didn’t eat with us or hang out with us in the evenings. I had no rules about when they could or couldn’t come in but I did have no overnight guest rules

o think most importantly we were kind and friendly and respectful and given we are still in touch with 3 of the 4 I think we must have been fine!

@Tosca99 it’s a bit of a mute point as unless you’re offering a flat/car/lots of pocket money, you’re very unlikely to find anyone.

we used to pay £120/week, but pocket money is now around £200 or so (and that’s if you can even get anyone.

I’d look for another form of childcare.

Hi mumsnetters!

Thank you for all the great advice so far- we are new to all this so very much appreciated! I’m currently in touch with an au pair about possibly joining our family and one of the questions she’s asked is about whether there is time off for travelling, and if so, how much and whether it is paid. For all you seasoned au pair host families, can you tell me what you agreed? I totally understand her wish to travel and would just like to know what the normal agreement is.

We used au pairs before brexit/ covid. Anytime I took holiday I gave her the days off at her normal pay. I didn't have a flexible job pre covid so we were clear before she started we could only give days off when we took holiday, not at her convenience.

Good luck finding one!

We’ll done on finding someone - just make sure she can work here legally.

m we have ours 4 weeks holiday/year.