CM CLUB - please help with my baby mindee who cries whenever I leave them etc.......

[looneytune]

Mindee is 11 months old, started with me when she was 8 weeks old.

She's been going through a phase for ages now and not sure how to handle it anymore. She used to scream if I walked to the fridge to get her milk or basically walked away from her, would scream the house down in the few seconds it took me to run to the top of the stairs to grab something (with her at the bottom watching me) and although I'd be back in a flash, she'd scream in an angry sort of way for me having left her in the first place. This side of things has calmed down a bit so not worried about that but toddler groups and school runs are very hard and I'm running out of ideas.

Toddler groups - as soon as I put her down to take the big bag off my shoulder and then take our coats off she starts screaming. I immediately pick her up when I've done that but she carries on. Then I may get her to play and I'm sat right with her (or with her on my lap) but if I move a muscle, she starts again or sometimes even if she can sense i've turned my head away from her so not giving her my 100% undivided attention. This turns in MAJOR screaming fit and well, everyone at toddler group has got used to it but I can tell it annoys them. I've tried gradual walking away, staying totally put to reassure but nothing seems to be working. She's a VERY clever little girl and definitely likes things HER WAY. I'm not sure if this is possible at her age but I promise you, it's like she's trying to wrap me round her little finger. It's such a shame as she's much better at home and although she likes constant attention, she's such a happy little thing (well, not little, big and heavy! )

School Runs - she's started crying when we are getting near the outside of the doors to ds's classroom recently. I don't leave her, just stay with her and talk to her etc. but she does this anyway and only stops if I pick her up out of the pram. Problem is, I have to dash to the cloakroom at some point (right in front of the door, we can see each other the whole time) and grab ds's coat, bags etc. and just quickly let myself be seen for him to be released.

I need to think of the best way to deal with this as it's harder now she's not the only one. I was basically paid double for 2 days a week care from 8 weeks old until very recently. Now mum is happy to have her mixing with more children and to pay single rate plus she's started to do 4 days a week from this week. I have another baby 2 of the days and I can't carry them both at the same time. Also, the other baby only started properly today so needs cuddles at times for reassurance as missing mummy but if I deal with new baby, the other baby screams even louder The crying/screaming is definitely not the sort of pain or really upset sort, it's more put on iyswim (obviously I've had her a long time now so know the difference).

PLEASE PLEASE help me with some ideas. Being 20 weeks pregnant and suffering from bad SPD, I'm finding all this a bit much recently but don't want to stop the groups etc as it's great for their social skills.

TIA

I think you are going to have to have nerves of steel and not respond/react to the screaming, it sounds like a personality thing. My only suggestion is ear plugs for you to cope with it! either that or a back pack and stick her in that???

Cargirl - I do ignore her at home which makes me wonder whether she's ok at home now because of it but knows it's harder for me to do when out and therefore does it really badly when out??? She's a VERY controlling child, lovely (and shares my birthday ) but extremely controlling. Without going into details, this is why mum changed to full time work!! If she was my own dd, I'd definitely leave her more at groups and stuff but being a childminder, you feel more responsible plus you worry everyone will think of you as 'that evil childminder who ignores babies!'. She does it sometimes when ds gives me a cuddle - trying to show me whose boss!!

As for ear plugs, don't worry, I can cope with the noise - it's what everyone else thinks that bothers me. Funny you should mention them though, ds insists he wants ear plugs on his birthday list (he'll be 5 soon) purely because of this mindee!

Can't do the back pack thing due to the SPD

Hi looneytune, i would try ignoring her, and only responding to her once she stops crying etc...if it works at home, it will work sooner or later when out and about. Don't worry about other people, they must have seen you have had her a long time, and are aware of the screaming issue. You can always just explain what you are doing to anyone who looks concerned at you. Have you spoken to the parent about this, and what do they want you to do when out and about ?

Cheers, I agree. Must be strong!! Yes, the people at the Monday/Thursday group are used to seeing it, it's the school run thing that's new and then today's group - my first time at this Wednesday group (never used to be able to make it) and I felt like everyone was watching (she's VERY loud!)

As for the mum, I'm waiting to see her to have a chat as it's been dad dropping off and collecting this week. I can't really go into it too much on here but I have to be very careful how I handle it with the mum. Dad is fine, it's just getting mum on side (although we get on great, she's about to take me for some pampering for my birthday - she's LOVELY )

Gosh LT you have your hands full (glad your pg going well, apart from spd, I'm due in 5 weeks so stopping minding this week...)

My main mindee started with me at 11 months old and cried every time I left the room (at home or other peoples) / was on Toddler duty (I was chairperson) / paid attention to my own dd etc etc. To be honest I now can't remember how long it lasted for (she's now 3) but I remember just keeping going the way I was as if was own child, i.e. still leaving room, telling her I'll be back in a minute, still paying attention to own dd etc, and mindee eventually realised that I was still giving her attention just not 100%, perhaps finding favourite toy(s) to leave her with? On days when you have her on her own can you keep leaving her, telling her you'll be back in a minute, would this de-sensitise her to it? Does she have dummy/comfort things? Presume at home she is only child so praps this explains why she's like this? Sorry to ramble, hope some of it makes sense!

I think as my mindee found she could play with things herself situ improved, both at my house and when out and about and as she started to interact with other children/adults.

I now feel quite redundant sometimes when she comes (occasionally at mo as her own Mum is on mat leave!) and her and my dd do the whole 'lets pretend we're....' and they get dressed up and don't want to do the carefully prepared activity I've done!

Hello mate, how you doing! Bet you're pleased to be finished with work now!!! I'm hoping to have 3 weeks off before the due date but the SPD is proving a problem, off to Oestopath on Tuesday to see if they can help me as this has been recommended by others who've suffered, fingers crossed they can help me walk better! Did you hear that I had my 20 week scan yesterday and found out I'm having another boy

Everything you're suggesting is what I do at home and she's started to realise she has to share me and that I won't run every time and she's just getting on with it now. But what about group. Do I stay with her sat on my lap or do I sit on the seats round the edge and interact from there so she can socialise with the others (although I know what she'll do as she does this if I can't bear being on the floor anymore - she tries to climb up on me whilst screaming). Am I right to pop off for my cup of coffee where she can see me the whole time? Everyone else does.

No, she doesn't have a dummy but she loves her bedtime teddy so I'm going to ask mum if she's happy for me to use it as a comforter in these situations. She socialises with the others quite well now and certainly very independent and happy to play on her own here now. I honestly think it's a control thing and giving in to her every time isn't going to help anyone.

Had to pop out but am back!!! I think you are just going to have to go for it and remind all those around you that it will improve in a few weeks time because you've had to do the same thing at home. your poor ds though asking for ear plugs!!!!

I found osteopathy fantastic for my spd - errr and not carrying my non-walking huge dd on my hip etc etc etc etc

Same advice as cargirl, just explain the situation to the others around you, they will understand. Sit on the chairs woman, not the floor - your spd won't cope with that. She will get over it, she just needs to learn where your boundaries lie. Testing the waters so to speak. Taking the harder (but kind) line now will shorten the agony for her and you. I had to do this with my mindee and his sleeping. It was awful (for me, he was just trying it on but I hate hearning them cry, even if it's fake!) but now he goes down a dream. I was considering giving notice.

Hang in there, don't stop going to groups, in fact the more out of house situations you can throw her in the better!

you have my sympathy i have a mindee like that hes 12 mth noe i have minded him for 4 mth it has got better but i hate school holidays as mindees very jealous of me giving my dd8 and ds10 any attention.so the 12mth old screams all day and the brother 3 swears and bites my kids.have thought about giving them notice but my kids only see in holidays.have planned for their friends to come over in half term.dont think i could do if i was pregnant though.as he really takes all my patience.is a sleep at moment ,he also has issues with eating (he does not eat anything wet)only stolen food!!!hope it gets better soon.

Great news re your scan LT, I too am having a boy! (Have dd aged 5).

Yes, keep going to the groups, I'm sure there must be other mums/cms in similar situ - I sometimes felt I needed my mindee to wear a 'I'm with my childminder!' t-shirt so that everyone realised the mindee was not with Mum and that was possibly why she was screaming! Not saying she doesn't want to be with you, more that perhaps she's going through that anxiety stage, Mum leaves her with you in the morning, and then you leave her to get a coffee etc...which of course you are entitled to do! Maybe if she sits on your lap during group (I quite often had cold coffees because I did this!!)and watches the other babies/children she'll realise that if she is on floor she can play better / reach toys?

Hope your spd improves. Touch wood I've not had any problems with this pregnancy, with my dd I had constant indigestion and tummy probs - had sedentary office job and 2 hours travelling per day then so this pg has been totally different being a cm! Have been tested for Gestational Diabetes (which I don't think I've got) but am still waiting for the results....and low-ish iron levels for a home birth (what I'd like) so am upping my iron intake before next blood test!

Well, I did it, I went and ignored the cries after having a chat with dad this morning. I really do love this family, the parents are really fab Baby had big problems when she first started, she just couldn't settle herself off to sleep ever but after a chat with them I persuaded them to leave her, 6 days later she returned a different baby!!! I just have to be careful how I put all this across at times but if I can get them on side, it's GREAT. Their lo will be so much happier once we've cracked this as atm she's not interacting at group and she really needs this.

CarGirl - glad oestopath helped you, I'm really hoping it can help me too. Never used one before so no idea what it will be like but looking forward to hopefully feeling better I can't do a lot about the not carrying on hip though, I'm always having to carry babies around, part of the job

crace - you are soooo right and guess what, I sat on A CHAIR today for most of the session and boy did it make a difference with my groin/leg pains!!!

bigdonna - hard isn't it. She's definitely better than she was and yes, in the early days thought about giving notice too but I've had her 10 months now and I'm determined to crack each phase as it happens to make worth while carrying on when bad at the start! Anyway, if I can crack this now she's pretty much full time, hopefully it will help with things at home for them

Anyway, thanks everyone for all your advice, felt good to see you all thought the same as me so fingers crossed things will be very different soon.

AskABusyPerson - great stuff. My ds is nearly 5 so similar ages As for anxiety, dad agreed with me, we're pretty sure it's nothing to do with that, if you knew her you'd know what we mean! Hope you manage to get the home birth you want, that's what I want sooooo badly!

Right, best go as school run soon so need to get the babies up and give one a bottle.

Byeeeee