How do you do it?

[SteakChips]

Myself and hubby work full time, I was luckily enough to get a role where I can work two days a week from home.
Work have told me as my projects have come to an end, I'm no longer can work from home. My 19months goes to his Nan (in law) for the three days I'm in work. She already said she likes her two days off from her grandson and gives her a break as she isn't as young anymore. Physical I don't know how we can afford childcare or nursery fees, then if I put him nursery have the battle who will pick him up. We are already struggling with cost of living and also trying to move as a family of 5 in a cramped small 2 bed flat. I'm not in title to benefits (to help) as our wages go over the threshold.

I really don't know what to do? How do you all do it? Sadly my patents don't drive and in there mid 70's and my son isn't the easiest child to look after.

It is really hard, but don’t ask the grandma to do more because she may become overwhelmed and pull back more than she does already.

from 3 years you do get 15/30 free hours which will help but in the meantime you’re a bit stuck. The issue here really is with your employer. Companies are required to consider flexible working when it’s requested, that could be a compressed week so doing the work of 5 days into 4, flexible location (lots of people WFH these days) etc…

I have managed to agree compressed week and wfh. I would go back to your employer and try to negotiate, or look for another job that offers those benefits

@Newmum0322 Thank you for your kind words. I didn't want to put strain on his grandparents as I know our little is a handful and underline issues we are trying to get since for.

Sadly he has a few years until we reach the free hours. I didn't know tax free childcare was under £100k now, so I can definitely look into that.

I can really do compressed hours as I will never see my son and I'll feel even my guilty then I do now. Doesn't play well with my postnatal depression. I have just taken this job on, I've worked for the company for 15 years and this was on promotion. The project I was running has come to the end and I feel bit cheated as I was believed this will carry on until I move around for a new job.

When we had two under school age we had a nanny two days per week and nursery for three. In London that came out to just over £40,000 per year.

Having three children when you both work is always going to be expensive.

Childminders tend to be cheaper but are inspected by the same inspectors to the same standards. Prices vary by region but can be £40 a day, my area of West London about £50 you still get tax free and can use funding when they are old enough. Working hours can be more flexible and can often be longer than nursery.

Had your work previously been happy with you working 2 days at home while simultaneously taking care of your toddler?

I don’t really see how anyone can claim to be putting in a proper day of work when looking after a toddler.

I don’t really see how anyone can claim to be putting in a proper day of work when looking after a toddler.

I agree. It's impossible. I came downstairs to take over from my mum 30 minutes ago and I have so far typed three words. DS wanted a poo. Then he draw on the wall (goodness knows where he found a pencil). Then he wanted some juice. Then he wanted to call daddy. I officially clocked out at 4.30pm but am working on a piece of work and not claiming the time back for it as my workplace is flexible with me, but I can't imagine how people can do full days of this, and my DS is 3.5 so slightly more self-sufficient than an under-2.

I think the only option is childcare. Two days might not be as bad as you think once you deduct the 20% tax free allowance you get. I'm in Manchester and our 3 day a week bill equates to £586 a month, and we pay £470 after the tax free top up.

Can both of you compress 5 days into 4 then each have a day off with your son?

It’s a bit pointless now, but being brutal- we factored the cost of childcare when deciding whether to have a child in the first place. We only have one because we can only afford one.
No family help, I work 4 days, DH works 5 days and 4 days of nursery is just shy of £1k before the tax free childcare (£800ish is what we pay). We couldn’t afford 2 in childcare and are too old for a gap.
I’m not sure I understand what your original plan was @SteakChips? I totally understand that cost of living is hitting everyone, we are absolutely broke and living month to month until DD at school. But we knew that’s how it would be when we chose to have her.

I know that people get skated on here for writing what you did, but I agree. Choosing to have a third child when you aren’t earning enough to look after them very comfortably isn’t generally a sensible thing to do.

I had written something similar to this and deleted it in case I got slated, but I completely agree.

My sister-in-law had my nephew, the old lady who she had lined up for free childcare died, and then she couldn't return to work. It's really important when having a child to factor in the cost of all eventualities. My mum watches DS two days per week but we have full-time childcare costs factored into our budget, should my mum ever be unwell and not up to watching him one week, or if she ever decided she no longer wanted to do it.

We've waited 3 years to have our second so that when baby starts nursery next year, DS will start school and we'll only have the cost of wraparound care for him to consider.

It really is important to factor these costs in before having DC. I understand unplanned pregnancies can happen, but not as often as unplanned costs of childcare seem to occur.

Surely this is not alien to you @SteakChips if this is your 5th child? You pay for childcare, there’s not much of a choice but I think you know that already. You can’t expect gp’s to look after them. I agree with the pp’s, when having another child you should have taken this into account beforehand. Sorry if that’s harsh!

@Cuddlywuddlies and everyone I have two step children who live with their father and I full time before the mother prefer drugs and men. She does not paid any support for her children since the children where placed in our care. Also we did discuss at the time my mother in law was having him full time. Few months went by and a new job in the company came. Our son started to develop some needs which he is finally seeing someone about (1st appointment next week) then he started becoming poorly, every 4-6 week and started fitting which he tends to have stays in hospitals. This is also being addressed. Also my in law has her own issues, then she said she can't have him full time, and the new job allowed me to wfh two days a week . Sadly, that isn't happening any more and my in law won't take him full time again. So before we all get on my case and say why wasn't this factored or sorted before hand it all was. Circumstances like many have changed. I simply asking how other do it. I don't needs all the Susan's, Karen's, key boards warriors to judge about me wfh and if my employers where happy about it.. guess what they are along with HR and the well-being team. If you can't be kind or judgemental please don't comment. I was simply asking how everyone can do it.

Oh the the two step boys are in high school who can look after themselves when home. If anyone would like to know.

@CloudybutMild
My thoughts exactly. Washing my hair and getting properly dressed felt like a hard-earned achievement when my son was 19 months old, so how anyone can complete a productive day of work with a toddler around is a feat that I find astonishing.

OP, you asked how people do it. Posters have replied and said that they factored in the cost of childcare before having children, and that they pay for childcare where they lack family support. They are answering your question. A bit harsh to call them Karens or Susans (using women's names as insults is gross in its own right) for answering your question honestly.

2 days a week of childcare with tax free childcare is not too bad. Many people pay over £1000 a month for childcare. It's not right that we have the most expensive childcare in Europe but that is what it costs and it is what we have to pay in order to keep our careers.

Others don’t choose to bring a third child into such a large and seemingly chaotic family when they aren’t earning enough money to cover child care, which is how they do it.

It’s no use hitting out at people who are simply telling you honestly that you have made some very poor decisions, and that this situation is the rather inevitable outcome. Calling them names is pretty unpleasant.

Since you asked though, OP, here’s how we manage it.

We employ a professional nanny, pay for nursery, and for the eldest who is now in school we pay for after-school clubs, and wrap-around care.

It’s only about £40,000 per year, so not worth thinking twice about.

@SteakChips it’s not judging it’s being honest I’m sorry but you can’t have a child and bank 100% on free childcare, anything can happen surely you should have known that. So your next option is to pay for childcare like most people do. No need to call me names for stating the obvious.

Can you not get tax credit. ? X

Have you spoken to childrens services.
it maybe that you get 2 year funding for him due to needs

To be fair @CloudybutMild we don't know they didn't bet on one kid in their 2 bed and no cost of living increases
Then the older children came ft
lay off a little

Given their shitty responses to others, no, I won’t.

DT’s went to nursery full time from when they were six months old. We didn’t have any family in the uk to help out with childcare. DH took them to nursery and I collected them. When they started school they went to breakfast and after school clubs.

Paid for childcare. or reduce your number of days working. It’s a game of numbers as to what you can and can’t afford.

it’s not fair to your child that you are working while care giving. We have a policy against this in my work as so many people were taking the piss. People were forced into the situation during covid times and they now think it’s acceptable to operate like that but there is no longer any need. It’s not safe and neither the child or your work is given undivided attention. I would be annoyed if my staff were in charge of young children during their working day.

I have three children and both husband and I work full time. Believe me, full time childminding costs for three doesn’t come cheap but it does get financially easier as they become nursery age and then school age and the cost becomes wrap around childcare costs plus school holidays.

You need to work out what you can and can’t afford. Grandparents shouldn’t be full time care givers. They’ve done their time imo and it’s exhausting even for younger people to look after infants all day and week long.

hope you get it sorted out.