Mil vs mummy

[Beachbum21]

I'd love to hear how people got through tough patches.
I have just started back at work and it's going well but I'm feeling low about being away from my little one.
LO goes to my mil while I have to be away once a week. I gave her an explicit instruction about keeping LO away from the dogs and bought her a playpen but from what I've deduced she's ignored me.
I can't quit my job I just can't afford it probably like most people right now but i feel like I'm losing control and my job as a parent.
I am finding myself feeling like I can't trust mil more and more. I can't see any other way round this situation other than take little one with me to my parents which is a lot of travel like 4h in the car. Or quit and pray for a miracle or lottery win.
If I get a job closer to home LO will still need to go to mil.
I'm not sure if I'm totally overreacting because I'm tired or I'm not being unreasonable. I'm struggling mentally with the whole thing. I could try a mother to mother firm and frank discussion but fundamentally I will still not trust her. And that's the bit I'm struggling to get over. Whatever way I look at this I feel like im in a losing situation.
Does it ever get any easier? Do you still feel like you're mummy even if you lean on your in laws?

You could pay for childcare at leat for the main bit of the day.
Do you expect baby to be in the playpen all day or just if mil leaves the room. Have you duscussed this?

always felt like my childrens mum, even if someone else looked after them. It’s a bit odd that you feel that role is being taken away over the dogs. Your mil has the child once a week?

Do you want the dogs kept completely away and she lets them in the room when she is there? Or she lets the climb all over your child?

If you view it as mil vs mummy then it’s not working and you and your partner need to work something else out like paid childcare.

I phoned her and asked her to use the playpen when the dogs were in the room. She agreed it was a sensible idea and thanked me for buying one.
When I went to collect LO they hadn't even unboxed it. I couldn't discuss it with them at the time as they had friends over. But I did ask them how they got on and was told they weren't able to sort it out then but clearly LO had been with the dogs.
I haven't spoken to her yet as I felt the message would be better in person with my partner with me.
I've thought about a nanny type situation but when I looked there aren't any in my area. Might have to explore that again.

I gave her an explicit instruction about keeping LO away from the dogs and bought her a playpen but from what I've deduced she's ignored me.

I would think this would be a deal breaker.

Sorry I forgot to answer your question. Idea was if the dogs were in to room LO would be in there so safe to crawl and play.

The thing with that idea is that it's really only going to work for a month or so more. As soon as your kid is starting to want to walk the playpen will be a complete non-starter.

What's the actual issue with your kid being around the dogs? Plenty of children grow up with dogs.

But at this point you are assuming. She may not have had the dogs in the room if your baby was playing.

She could have not had the dogs in the room at all, or only when your child was sat with her or something.

You don’t seem happy and feel you are having something taken away from you and jumping to you vs her, without actually asking some questions. Perhaps, it wouldn’t matter what she did, you wouldn’t like it because you aren’t comfortable with the set up of mil having the child. In which case paid childcare would be better.

Can your partner help them set the play pen up? Would that make you feel better?

Thanks everyone. It's helping me to work through if it's me struggling with work/life balance or if I need to rethink things and find a better options. Really appreciate you're input.

The key thing here is trust. If you cannot trust someone - anyone - with your child then you should not be leaving them with them. Why would you?

You need to speak to your partner and get him to speak to his mother. If he won't or things haven't changed next week then you have to change the arrangement.

As said above the play pen is a very temporary solution and I am yet to meet a child that will tolerate more than a few mins sat in one.
If you are always going to worry about the dogs then I think you need to look into nursery or childminder.

Find paid childcare. I was uncomfortable with my mil providing childcare and it was really awkward. It's way easier to dictate your wants and needs to a childcare provider.

I agree it is a trust issue and that’s going to be difficult to get over and solve - I would be uncomfortable if someone agreed to what I had said and then did the opposite.
But from a practical point of view, if the dogs were an issue I’m not sure how this could have worked out long term anyway. It sounds like your DC would just spend the majority of its time on the play pen at this rate - and once older, you can’t keep them in a play pen. Then what?
It’s really tricky but I think you are going to have to rethink your childcare arrangements.

I think you're right. I need to feel comfortable or I will end up a mess worrying. And I don't like my instructions being ignored. I like the idea of having a childminder so I will explore that option again.

If I'm honest with you all I've not been sleeping over the stress of this but just being able to talk on here with other mums has really helped. Thank you for taking the time to reply. It means a lot. Xx

OP it sounds like you’ve had to reluctantly return to work and you’re struggling with someone (anyone?) else looking after your baby. Unless there’s a back story I’m sure your MIL is taking good care of your dc and is enjoying having your LO and would be very upset to know you’re considering going elsewhere.
i’ve been a childminder for many years & it’s evident that the best relationships between child carer and parent is where there is good communication on both sides. As a family talk to her about your concerns regarding the dogs & how anxious it makes you feel leaving your LO & see if things change.

You gave her an explicit instruction to keep your child away from the dog in her own home, every week? Firstly your language gives away your attitude-you think of her as free staff. Secondly your expectations are unrealistic. I wouldn't have wanted my child round a dog all day at that age either-so I wouldn't leave then there without me.

Is sounds like you have returned to work without thinking about paid childcare. Surely you have parent friends who are returning to work and talking about local nurseries and childminders?

Send DC to nursery! It's not worth this stress. You're paying them and they are professionals WRT child safety.

The OP says nothing about the dogs being dangerous so, although I understand that one has to be careful of children even around the most reliable of dogs, I'm a bit concerned that you have a phobia of dogs that you will pass on to your child.

If you use mil once a week

use paid childcare for that time

I think you need to work out the scale of the issue here. Are we talking dogs are chihuahuas and you are worried that the baby might be bothered? In this case, I'd probably suck it up. Or dogs are Rottweilers and you are worried that baby is in danger? In this case, the situation is completely unacceptable and you need to solve it immediately at any cost. Where along this scale does your issue lie?

I can understand both sides. My child is also looked after a lot by my mother-in-law when I work. And when she takes care, as long as it's not dangerous, her rules apply. In our case, that means my child watches a lot more TV with her than I would allow. That's just the way it is.

On the other hand, I have a dog myself. Of course, you should never leave child and dog unsupervised. But I think a normally socialized dog can be left in a room with a child under the dog owner's supervision.

Maybe a compromise would be to consult a good dog trainer together with your mother-in-law? Then rules for dealing with the child and the dog could be found together, which everyone feels comfortable with.