Grandparent’s house is so messy

[Mummaroo81]

I’m looking for some advice on how to deal with an uncomfortable situation that has weighed on my mind for so long. My Inlaws are a great help to us with childcare for my 3 children. However, their house is incredibly messy and dirty. Things are piled up so high, you can barely walk through the house it’s a bit like that hoarders show on telly! I once cut my leg on a picture frame that was piled on top of things.

I feel so uncomfortable having my children stay there for long periods of time especially my youngest (nearly 2) who is into everything at the moment. I just don’t know how to approach it without hurting their feelings or making a scene. My husband just accepts it as it’s the way the house has always been. I just can’t bare the thought of my children playing and eating on the filthy carpet, I try and avoid being the one to pick them up from there as it makes me feel so sad.

They are lovely grandparents and so helpful, I really don’t know how to approach it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Xxx

If it bothers you so much, don’t leave them there.

There’s no way to tell someone nicely that their house is a shit hole.

You either come out with it or you find alternative childcare providers or they come to your home to look after your children.

You could pretend to fall over and make them worry that it could hurt the dc or make a barbed comment so it starts a thought process, watch hoarders television programmes in front of them, tell your dh to talk to them. If they're nice they might listen and try to improve.

Why are they there? Is it for free childcare?

I agree with PPs - either it's so bad you don't want to leave them there or you have to say - Ah could we just clear this bit for DC 1 2 3 whatever and do it for them. If the carpets are so bad you are worried about it then offer to get them cleaned as recompense for them looking after DCs

Ultimately it is their house and if it is making you sad to leave your DCs there & they won't change then you will have to find other arrangements.

By and large unless there is an actual infestation or the carpet is made out of manure - most children can cope with mess & less than pristine conditions - I exaggerate for effect but I hope you see what I mean.

Think about it this way. Your kids get the best of both worlds.
Spending time in a dirty house is actually better for the immune system than a clean one. Health wise it isn’t a bad thing.
Mentally, if they lived there, it wouldn’t be good for the development. Kids need structure, a certain level of organization, predictability and routine which extends to belongings. But they get all that at your house and I imagine they spend more time in your home than with gps?
The one where you can’t compromise is safety. If there’s stuff that could fall on them or little pieces that they could swallow etc. then they absolutely need to be moved. The house doesn’t need to be instagrammable but it needs to be safe.
it’s not about saying “your house is dirty and messy” it’s saying “this isn’t child-friendly “. And that would be the same in an absolutely pristine house with a cabinet of polished glass ornaments, a heavy mirror stylishly positioned on the floor, or blinds with a dangling cord.

Have they ever talked about their house issues? Is it worth DH offering to help declutter a couple of rooms? Personally I wouldn’t worry about the kids unless it was dangerous. If it was dangerous DH should have a heart to heart with them and offer them support. It would be good to be on top of things in preparation for their old age.

It's lovely they're so helpful but perhaps you could stay with them whilst they're there if you are worried about the safety. If not, I would regretfully stop sending my children there as I wouldn't want them to come home injured.

Sounds like they might be hoarders which isn't very easy to approach or to deal with

I have a very similar situation and I just don't let DC go there without me, and even then we mostly stay outside. I can't stand being in the filth and clutter. It is a problem but grandparents can't/won't change it. I never said why, very British of me, but I think it must be bleeding obvious. They come to us now. I had to fight off a lot of requests for sleep overs but they've dwindled now.

I did offer to pay for a cleaner but they're too far gone, and a cleaner probably couldn't even get in properly. I've run the hoover round sometimes and made comments along the lines of getting a robotic vacuum to keep on top of it, but deaf ears. It's a bigger problem than I'm able to handle.

Thank you for the useful comments and suggestions.

My mums house is similar. Add in dogs that piss all over, the floors are lifting. DM doesn’t understand how to clean, dust & grime everywhere. She’s done a room for them there so I say bring the playmat downstairs if the kids want to play on it & generally grimace & bear it until I’m home then chuck everything in the wash. Their bedroom there isn’t too bad.
Theres nothing I can do, I used to literally clean the cupboards out when I was a child. The fridge is packed high with out of date food. I don’t even open a packet of crisps without checking the date! We probably go there once a month, she generally comes to me.

Can they look after kids at yours ?

you have to decide whether free childcare is worth more than staying in a grimy house

how often so they have them ? Is the 2yr there all day ?

We both work from home most of the week so it’s better for them to be out of the house while we work. They watch them twice a week and 2year is there all day unless they take him to the park.

We appreciate the free childcare, I suppose I am more accepting of it because I don’t have my extended family close by and want the kids to grow up around all family members and also for the joy it brings my in-laws to be grandparents.

We have different relationships with our families, I can easily tell my mum to tidy up but my husband finds it so hard to say anything. I’ve come to realise it’s a battle I can’t win and to accept it brings them joy and ultimately my kids are happy.

I think you've answered your own question 😊 they're happy, your kids are happy, it's free childcare, and the human race has survived for a while living in a bit of dirt.

If anything comes up that's a real safety hazard, have a conversation with your husband and ask him to approach it. But it sounds like everything's fine 😊 just different houses.

I'm confused as to why you will let your children spend whole days somewhere so dirty and messy that you can't bear to go near even for a short time? :-/

Its obvious it's unsafe, unclean and inappropriate, and it's clearly bothering you alot, so it sounds like you need to make other arrangements for the sake of your children's welfare even if that means a cost is involved.
These posts about prioritising not hurting someone's feelings above meeting children's needs do baffle me...surely your children's health and safety is more important than worrying about offending anyone?

If they're good grandparents in other ways and kind hearted people I get why you want them involved, but do it in other ways....have them over at yours perhaps? Work in another area of the house/in a local cafe etc or get them to take them out to toddler groups or the park some of the time?

Really, your DH should be stepping up and saying something diplomatic in this situation.Maybe having them at yours and making up some sort of reason why might be the easiest/best option.
That way they still get to care for them, and you don't have a fall out about it, but you know the children are safe & in a clean healthy environment (as long as there aren't other discrepancies in their care that you haven't mentioned)

Confronting compulsive behaviours like this can be really difficult. It could be useful if you frame your need for “additional” safeguarding of their property as a way of adapting to your child’s developmental stage (“terrible twos” cliche?) rather than outright criticising them for their chaotic home.

For exampl my mum is an absolute nightmare for just leaving drugs lying around and I have a two year old who would love nothing more than to gobble up lots of mystery pills at grannies house. I’ve told mum several times but she always forgets and she has enough on her mind/plate without me scolding her repeatedly so now I just say “mum, DD is an absolute wild girl right now, tearing into everything. I’m going to do a sweep of the place and make double sure there’s nothing she could get into that she shouldn’t”. Seems to be accepted just fine and I get to do a lap of the house putting everything that is not child friendly on very high shelves.