Military ex

[ivysmummy101]

I will try keep this short and sweet! So I was married to a military man. We separated when my daughter was a couple months old and due to his job, he's not had much involvement in his daughters life. When he is home, he definitely prioritises his personal life. If he can get his daugther an hour earlier to spend more time with her, or go to the gym first. He will go to the gym first. If he could have her Friday-Sunday because he is going away for 6 months. He will get drunk Friday night and be too hungover to have her until Saturday late afternoon. You get the idea. Anyway, my main concern is how short notice he gives me when he actually does decide to have her. APPARENTLY we cannot plan a week in advance when he has his child. I get a message ON THE DAY to ask if he can have her overnight. Whilst I appreciate there will be some occasions where he will need me to be flexible with short notice, this isn't on for every single time! It doesn't benefit my daughter being so erratic and unorganised. But selfishly, it ruins my personal life. I work 5 days a week and have my daughter nearly all the time. I feel I deserve more than a few hours notice so I can plan what I am doing with my child free time and make plans. However, due to it being such short notice I end up sitting in and not being able to make plans! I have very wonderful parents who will have her for big occasions. For example my birthday in November and my work Xmas party. But general day to day plans with my friends and perhaps if I wanted to go on a date, I've no chance. Its not possible to have a personal life with a few hours notice to make plans. I've not dated in the 4 years we've been separated but when it comes to it I want to be able to go out for dinners and make plans to go away for the odd night. It is really starting to get to me and I am at wits end. There is no point speaking to my ex as I am sure he has narcistic tendencies and he will get very mean and horrible to me if I ever dare to express he isn't doing enough. Please can anyone give me advice?! Has anyone else experienced this and overcome it? Is there anything I can do to have a more formal plan in place and is this even possible with his marine job?

Presumably he knows when he will be on leave and around to have her and gets notice of his leave.

I would offer contact only in the basis of 4 weeks written notice by email. He will kick off about you being mean/controlling/stopping him seeing her but it's the only way.

That way you can arrange your own childcare and stop up messing up your and DDs life.

If he says Friday to Sunday just say no Saturday 2pm and if you're late it's cancelled.

Boundaries of steel is the only way to deal with it and let your DD see for herself how little effort he puts in. He is probably little more than some fun uncle in her life.

It's not fair but this is the reality of who he is.

When we were together he definitely knew when he was home. However, he claims his role is slightly different now so I need to be 'flexible'. You are right I definitely need to set these clear boundaries.

When you say 'I would offer contact only in the basis of 4 weeks written notice by email.' Do you mean ask for 4 weeks notice for the days he is having her?

Thanks!

He can take you to court but they will agree he needs to give notice in line with when he knows about shore leave etc.

It's unfair to your DD that he doesn't commit to seeing her and cancels etc and that is the line you need to take.

Can you buddy up with another single parent and take it turns to swap DC for sleepovers as a way of reciprocal babysitting?

He won't step up and he probably enjoys messing you around.

You could contact the families officer for his work. Hey might help

I am seriously considering this route. Myself and my DD need stability in our lives. I feel for her massively as she has no relationship with him whatsoever

@pastypirate
I didn't realise this was a thing! I may speak to his work and see if they can guide us down some structure

He's being an arse - I've seen it oh so many times.

Unless he's in the final work up for an operational deployment, or is suddenly called to crisis relief, there is no excuse whatsoever for this. He's yanking your chain about "flexibility" - I don't believe a word.

He's being selfish and flaky and it's to your DC's detriment.

I think you need to be crystal clear about when your DD is available for contact, and that you need at least 2 weeks' notice for requests to see her in addition to those set times - you will aim to be as flexible as possible in accommodating his requests, but you cannot guarantee her availability outside the set schedule.

I'd set the schedule for longer periods that 4 weeks rolling, because I'd want to be dealing with the knobhead as infrequently as possible.

Do keep a list of when he is meant to see her, and what times he actually does.

Just set a reasonable notice time, and don't be available if he doesn't give it. So if you've said you need a weeks notice, and he asks for her in 2 day, just reply "sorry we have plans, I need at least 1 weeks notice to make her available", then don't be home and ignore the kick off.

I'd also try to limit communication streams, if he's likely to be unpleasant. Set up an email address that you use solely for contact, then block him on all other platforms. You could then commit to checking the email on what you consider a reasonable time scale (could be daily or weekly), and he can't invade the rest of your time and head space. This also has the benifit of everything been written down, so if he does try to take it to court you will be able to prove what has been said and show you have acted reasonably.

Yes 4 weeks written notice of what contact he would like (you don't have to agree for what he asks).

If he is on shore for months then he should be proposing a regular fixed pattern that he sticks to.

Absolutely involve family liaison. Ask straight up whether he knows in leave in advance etc because your co-parenting relationship is non-existent and you don't believe what he says anymore.

You could also use a co-parenting app and all contact dates and times and communication is through that. I believe there are Court/Cafcass suggested/approved ones.

Will show up when he fails to attend.

I hope CMS is in line with the overnight contact he actually has not what he's supposed to have.

Thank you all so much for your advice. You have all been so helpful and I will definitely be taking your advice x