MIL and childcare

[GreenFly56]

I am due DC1. SIL just had DC2 a few months ago so MIL has been talking a lot about the babies etc. For the last couple of years, MIL has looked after SIL DC1 once per week. MIL is retired. She lives about 20mins from SIL and although she moans that she finds the childcare tiring and the early starts difficult, she seems to really enjoy it. She doesnt have many friends or do an awful lot so i think she is probably lonely and the childcare is a lifeline for her.

DH and I live 1.5 hours away from MIL when the roads are clear. We live where we do for work and she is our closest family member.

MIL is nice in small doses and she means well but is not my cup of tea. We get on fine when I see her, but she is extremely nosy and overbearing. DH has spoken to her on a few occasions about this in the past but since we moved its not been a problem as we only see her a couple of times a year. We recently visited MIL who was talking about childcare for SIL and mentioned that when DH and I DC1 is born, she would be willing to look after DC once per week after I go back to work, the same as she has done for SIL. However, due to the distance, she would need to come the night before and stay over.

Its a hugely generous offer and I appreciate MIL's level of commitment to be prepared to do this. I also fully appreciate why she would need to stay over. DH and I both leave for work by 730am.

If we dont accept, DC1 will need to go to nursery 4 days a week from 6 months old. We have no family living closer than MIL so will get no other childcare offers. It would be a huge financial saving for us.

AIBU to turn down the childcare because i simply dont think i could put up with MIL staying over every week?

I feel bad because i no MIL doesn't have a huge amount else going on in her life and loves seeing DH and I. It would perhaps help if we saw her more, just generally, but she always wants to stay over so her visits become very overbearing and also the whole weekend when DH and i work full time. I completely understand why she would need to stay to look after DC but if she is visiting at the moment, say on a saturday and arriving at lunch time, I dont see why she cant drive home. The few times we see her, we tend to go to hers - we drive there and back in the same day. If DH and I lived closer and MIL could look after DC whilst we were at work and then go home i would have no problem, its just the staying over. I dont want to seem ungrateful or rude but i am really panicking she thinks this is a great idea.

I am so worried im contemplating whether we should consider moving closer to her. Not just for the childcare but also for DC1 to build a relationship with a grandparent which i think is really important. We could probably move about 30 mins closer although i fear she would still want to stay. Where we live now though is also a great place for young children, very safe and lots of clubs etc.

Re the childcare, DH thinks we should take MIL up on the offer due to the cost saving but he is equally happy to say no if i cant do it.

Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts?

Is just not practical to be commuting that far every week.

its going to become an increasing bind as it will take up 3 days of her week, one driving to yours, 2 looking after dc, day 3 driving home.

weather, fuel prices, illness

nursery places are difficult to get so I’d sort that first, well before baby is born & see if you can get 4 days. If you can’t take mil up on the offer but until a 4 th day becomes available

Use a nursery.
Have MIL as backup for when child is ill and excluded from nursery (permanently-it-seems for the first year).
Present it as concern for her getting too tired if regular.

Once child is older, book clubs, outings, friend catch-ups in the evenings she's around.

I can’t stand my MIL but by reading your situation I’d have been inclined to say accept it. Massive saving on childcare, more nurturing/fuss for your child rather than nursery on that day and let’s them build a lovely bond. After reading a previous response though what would happen if there was heavy snow? If she took ill? Then one of you would need to stay home as you wouldn’t have a place at the nursery. If you do decide to accept it I would do it as a short term thing, you could always extend later. For example say until new intakes start we will do 3 days and increase to 4 days come April. Or happy to trial it until Xmas type thing. Put it to her as a see how you cope with the travel and watching our DC on top
of your other child care.

How old is she? Is she going to be taking on SIL’s second child as well?

Yes i had been concerned about bad weather etc or MIL being ill occasionally and that being a problem although so long as it wasn't regular my work do caregiver days to cover emergencies. I think you get 10 per year on top of annual leave . Just to clarify, i think the offer was to stay over, look after DC and then drive home. Not stay for 2 nights.

Local nursery places are full already but we are on the waiting list. I am hopeful we can use a local childminder until a space becomes available though.

MIL is 68 so i do think the drive every week would be hugely tiring and she will be looking after SIL DC x2 once a week as well.

How about giving a vague 'oh maybe we could do a trial run". If further pressed you can frame it that because of the distance and inconvenience for her you can try for a few weeks then reasses?

But so much can happen between now and then anyway, you don't need to be thinking, or stressing, about this for quite some time.

I think you're being unreasonable by assuming that your MIL is making these offers because she's lonely, doesn't have any friends etc. Has she even said that?

She's very generous as you say to offer to do childcare for your DC. She will have other commitments and things she does with her life that you might not know about.

I would personally accept her offer. Her staying over once a week is a big commitment for her and really nice that she has offered. I would check first that she is comfortable with the weekly travel and would be very grateful tbh.

@SunshineLoving yes, mil doesnt have many friends nor any other commitments. She only sees 1 of her friends semi regularly. But I have no doubt that she has made the offer to be kind an helpful. That is not in doubt.

Nursery 4 days a week isn't good for a baby.

I don't think I could face that every week - but then our House isn't big enough really.

I can see why she doesn't drive there & back in one day. Three hours driving at 68 is a lot.

I would use her as back up & perhaps she can do a day occasionally when DC gets tired from nursery. So you would still have to pay I guess.

It will be useful come school hols if they have a good bond.

I think she is being really kind so you need to word it carefully.

I agree with this. If she’s willing to be back up childcare, that’s actually way more valuable (from a stress perspective, if not financially) than covering a standard day a week and doing your head in with that frequency of overnight stays.

For context, my DCs got sick roughly every 3 weeks in the first few months of nursery. Sometimes more often.

In I am 2 years older than your mil and I couldn't commit to driving both ways plus looking after a child in a day. I would be tired and probably a danger on the road going back. Your mil is making a massive commitment and I wonder if she realizes how tying the staying over plan would be, especially if she already has other childcare arrangements to consider. I would look at nursery and ask mil to be back up. I would also encourage her to widen her own circle of friends and activities. Sometimes GPS are making huge sacrifices to help out with dgc but don't always admit this and aren't doing things to be on hand for childcare but don't want to complain to the parents when it gets too much. I know two couples like this st the moment.
Also if you find your mil hard work, it is highly likely you won't agree on childcare methods and this will cause tension in your relationship, especially when PFB is involved. Best steer clear and bite the bullet for extra childcare costs. If you are not asking for childcare for work she will probably be willing to do a bit of babysitting so you can have the odd meal out. This might work out better all round because you will be out for the evening she stays over. Quick breakfast together next morning and home making the relationship a bit easier all round.

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers @glitterfarts thank you. I think this is a great option and hadnt thought of it. Also allows me to let MIL down gently but still encourage the GP bond when she is looking after DC.

@shiningstar2 thank you, i think you are right and this is the way to go. I agree with all you have said. Both SIL and DH do encourage MIL to get out more and take on some activities she would enjoy and that would allow her to widen her social circle. Unfortunately, she is her own worst enemy and so far hasn't signed up to anything. She is quite judgemental and snobby so on the rare occasions she does meet new people, she doesnt come across as the most endearing. We will definitely keep encouraging her though, it would be so good for her and she would love it if she found something she enjoyed. I think if she had more going on she would be less nosy etc too.

I suspect that she offered to be polite as she knows you know that she provides childcare to her daughter. She will probably be extremely relieved if you decline, especially as you think she should drive there and back in one day.

I would say no to this offer, although it's very kind of her. Firstly it's a big ask of an older person to travel all that way, stay away and then look after a baby single handed, then drive back, every single week. Secondly if it's going to cause you stress it's not worth it. You will be stressed enough working almost full time with a tiny baby, you don't want to add any potential strife between you and your husband. Thirdly although it's nice for baby to stay home with Grandma, if they are going to nursery 3 days then 1 more makes little difference really. Fourthly unless she's loaded you would need to pay her travel costs and expenses so it may not save you that much anyway, by the time you use tax free childcare and get 30 free hours from age 3 it may not be as huge a cost as you are imagining.
I would say to her thank you very much but you would rather keep her for back up childcare, knowing that illness will be frequent at first. And ad hoc weekend childcare to allow you some time to yourselves.

Thanks all. I spoke to SIL first and have since spoken with MIL. We have said everything is a long way off but at this stage we think it is too much. I think MIL was somewhat relieved as she didnt seem upset as I had expected. I said we would definitely need her help and it would be lovely to have someone make date nights possible for us or even just to give us a night off etc. I think I had built it up in my head that she really wanted to do it and i was awful to be saying no, but i think whilst she would have done it and il never forget that, she was offering because maybe in her head if she didnt it would look like she was picking favourites. I don't know how long this will last but I weirdly feel a lot closer to her than ever before so every cloud and all that!

🙄

Know this has been resolved

but was going to say it sounds a lot for mil but she prob offered as does her other child kids

having as back up sounds much better

but yes May be worth moving closer so nearer for when she is older and easier to see when kids older

Glad you’ve got it resolved. I think it says a lot about your MIL, that she wanted to be fair and offer you what she gives to her daughter.

You might find sharing the love for the baby you’re having brings you closer together. It gives you a common interest.

She probably sounded very relieved as its a massive commitment.

She was being very fair and wanting to treat both grandchildren the same ... so that's a positive.

Why use a childminder only as a stop gap? They are registered by the same body, inspected by the same inspectors to the same standards....so a good childminder offers the same as a good nursery....outstanding the same as an outstanding nursery....but smaller which means you actually talk to the person caring for baby and baby is actually handed to the person that will look after them rather than whoever is about. Finding a good childminder can mean you will never have to look for any other childcare using the same person through multiple children to the age of 11 and older as well as having flexible care in crisis like bereavement, moving home, and out of hours emergencies etc