Au pair when kids’ Dad terminally ill

[Pegasus41]

I think I need an au pair now, for childcare support. I’m divorced. My kids’ Dad, who was having them 3 nights per week, sadly has cancer and is very suddenly deteriorating. I have to work some evenings & some Sunday shifts sometimes. Could do with help sometimes with school runs, too. Kids are age 7 & 5.

My question is whether it’s ok to start an au pair in these circumstances, from the au pair’s point of view. Obvs I’d be up front about the situation during recruitment. It’s possible the children will lose their Dad while the au pair is working for us. Obviously I’d be present for the kids as much as possible, but it would really help and take away some of the huge stress I’m under if I had a bit of cover when needed. I don’t have family to help.

Au pairs can be hit and miss. I think it should be okay from their point of view as long as you're up front about it. But what if the au pair leaves suddenly? Some aren't great at staying for the agreed duration and do just up and leave if it gets tough (there are many great ones too, but not my point here). Although obviously not a parent and not even remotely close to losing a father, I personally would worry about the potential impact of losing a second person who plays a not insignificant role in their lives and in their home, but at those ages it depends how they understand that relationship. Could you consider a live out solution, either extra work for someone else's au pair or a nanny share or regular babysitter type arrangement?

Fwiw I'm really sorry you're going through this.

There are no overseas au pairs now due to brexit. You'll need to employ someone local

There are overseas au pairs. Many countries have youth visa agreements with the UK (Hong Kong, Canada etc).
It could work given the ages of your children but you would need to be upfront about it and consider how you would approach it.

Wrong.

You'd be better off with a nanny or experienced childminder. I doubt an au pair would be up to handling this situation.I do t think it's fair on them. Very tricky situation to come into.

Unless you said that the contract would run week to week and would end if the father deteriorates further?

It's totally understandable that you need some help though. Do you or your kids have friends nearby that could help out occasionally? I wouldn't hesitate to help.

I'm really sorry for you and your girls. Sending you best wishes

If an au pair works in terms of space and childcare, go for it. Interview carefully and don't expect the au pair to provide emotional support that she isn't qualified for. Make sure she has the chance to take courses or meet other au pairs and get support there so that she can support you & your girls as much as possible at home.

Hmm. In theory, but I think you'd be better off with a "mother's help" type, more mature person who can step in and offer a bit of continuity and emotional support if need be.

I'm really hoping you're at least giving your manager a chance to help you - maybe the Saturday shifts are more money and you want to keep them, but what about asking for a schedule that allows you to cope more easily?

Does your ex have any family that would help?

That sounds like a really tough situation. Could you try and find someone who is as likely as possible to stick around longer term? That would give your DCs a bit of continuity. Although I get that nothing is guaranteed. Maybe a local, semi-retired person if you can find one (suggesting this as MiL does this type of work for a local family)

I was an au pair for single mother and 3 children when I was 25. She was going through divorce and was depressed. I was a huge help with everything also emotional. I would say go for it.

When I was hiring a nanny years ago I interviewed an older woman who was a granny herself but her grandchildren were older, could you find someone local like that? Someone with a bit of life experience. I'm sorry you're all having to deal with this.

Thanks all, lots to consider. Yes, agree would be better for kids to have someone around for longer. Though nannies can be quite temporary too? Hard figuring out what fixed hours for a nanny, as their Dad still wants them sometimes when he can, but maybe this could be done. I’d love to have some cover sometimes when my kids are sick. Last year with covid, chickenpox & tummy bugs they were off for weeks. I’m a psychotherapist and the therapeutic work really suffers when I keep cancelling, and private clients get pissed off. My line manager in my part-time salaried job is inflexible re me working evenings— I’ve tried to change this, but she insists.

Ex’s family all live in Australia.

I wonder if your ex would pay for the hours the nanny is working but the kids are with him - tbh it might be sensible to have a backup at those times anyway? Presumably sometimes he's going to be able to be with them but not the physical grind of looking after them? Now sounds like the time to spend any money he can, or again back to his family, whether they could help throw some money at the situation?

That's simply pants of your manager. Have you made a formal flexible working request so at least it's on record that she's denying flexible working to a parent of young children about to be bereaved?

Another vote here for a local granny-type, based on positive personal experience as a child in a similar situation.

I think it will be really tough to find an au pair willing to walk into your particular situation and agree with pp's that a slightly older mother's help/part time nanny would be better for you. Also if you look on the threads about au pairs here, sometimes they need a lot of support - and you are not in a place to be doing that, quite understandably.

Can your DH fund some of the cost on the basis that it will be supporting his DCs to spend more time with him? I'm so sorry OP, what a tricky situation all round.

Thanks, it’s been really helpful on here. Yes, I can ask ex to fund some childcare from insurance payout. I think I’ll start by looking at part-time nanny and see if I can get anywhere with that. Hours would be a bit all over the place, though…

A nanny is the same as any other job, you can advertise for a shift work of x hours (when you work) with possible overtime (when things get harder). Expect to pay above average for it and for it to take longer to find someone, but as the employer you can require that flexibility. If you go fixed hours do consider a nanny housekeeper who will still do other chores when the children aren't there. (that option is also available for an au pair).