Tips for nearly two year old distraught at nursery

[houseargh]

We've just moved house to a new area, so along with that have had to move DD (22mo) to a new nursery. She's been in fulltime since she was 12mo and loved the last place, literally not a single tear on drop-off from day 1. We guessed it would be harder this time round - due to a combination of the wider disruption plus age (more opinionated, less malleable!) but oh god, it's so much worse than I thought.

Settling in period and first couple of full days were ok - walked in under her own steam, bit trepidatious, but no tears. But when DP arrived on Weds she was rattling at the gates of the room, desperate to leave. Thurs morning she was inconsolable on drop-off - apparently the staff couldn't calm her down and she eventually just fell asleep, and slept most of the morning, woke up for lunch. As soon as I arrived (half-day on Thurs) she burst into floods of tears and rushed towards me. We had her off on Fri. This morning, inconsolable again on drop-off. I want to ring to ask if she's fared any better but we both work FT so I'm not sure what we'd do if the answer is no.

We have no prior experience of a child not loving nursery and this feels worse than I was expecting. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance from people whose kids were like this and got over it? Tips for dealing with it?

Not helped by the fact that she had hand foot and mouth a week after we moved so has been feeling crappy, and that disrupted the settling in. Also, they currently only have 3.5 days available (building to full-time over the next couple of months) so she's a bit in and out and probably doesn't understand the schedule of the week compared to when she was in full-time.

Sounds like too much disruption for her at the moment, along with not feeling totally well.
Does she have to be there, or is staying at home for a while an option ?

What's your feeling about the nursery, do you get a good vibe? They'll have dealt with difficult settles before, so unless you have your doubts I'd take your lead from them. Big smiles for drop off and pick up (not easy when they're crying I know), let her see you chatting with the staff all smiles. Talk about nursery and her "friends" there on non nursery days, again all big smiles. If it's a decent nursery I'm sure she'll get there, especially if she's been happy in another setting.

How long has it been OP? I'm not quite clear from your post. Is this week 2 at new nursery? If so it's still really early days.

No experience of settling a 2 year old but my DC2 cried every day at dropoff for 6 weeks when he started age 1. It was emotionally hard all round but one day things just clicked and he loves it there now.

It probably will take a bit longer if she's not in every day. Just keep the routine as consistent as you can and also keep talking to the nursery staff, they will have settled many many children before. I wouldn't keep her off, I think that risks just kicking the problem further down the road tbh.
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Staying at home really isn't an option - we both work full-time, can't afford not to. We're already having to scrape together all our leave to deal with the fact that they only have 3.5 days a week available for the first few months, and no family around to help. Agree, it is too much disruption all at once but really stuck as to what the alternative is.

It's really difficult to judge whether it's all her or partly the nursery. Both of us have noticed some things we're not over the moon about - key worker seems nice but not massively switched on, have seen quite a few different staff in the room, it's a noisier environment, slightly less focused attention. But I'm very aware that we're comparing it to the previous place, which was really outstanding (ofsted but also in general - the health visitor based in the same building described it as the 'golden ticket'), and also where she was in a nice quiet baby room, as opposed to a busier 'pre-toddler' room in a noisy part of the building. But then rationally I think the kids look happy there, I saw plenty of them walk in happily this morning. If she'd ended up at a different nursery at 12mo, this might all feel totally normal to us. There was one in the area that we liked more but they had no spaces until Sep '23... I really do hope she settles here, as it just doesn't feel like there are other options right now, but we feel horrible sending her there when it upsets her so much.

@SatinHeart thanks, that's good to hear. I mean not - six weeks - poor you (and him) but great to know that it turned around after that long. You're right, it is very early days, we're just a bit shellshocked I think, as she's normally incredibly confident and sociable and we've never had anything like this before. Also, having heard so much of babies who cry on drop-off and are then right as rain five mins later, we were really shocked to hear that she basically just cried herself to sleep on Thurs (but probably feeling a bit crappy, and definitely overtired as sleep has been disrupted).

Yes, it's very early days - she started a couple of weeks ago, but between getting ill and the fact she's only in 3.5 days, this is only her third full day. I do think the part-time thing is not going to help so am begging for any extra slots as they come open - administrator sounded hopeful there might be something.

Totally get the feeling of shellshock OP, for us it was the fact that DC1 had started at the the same nursery 2 years earlier with a smile on his face and barely looking back at dropoff. We had no idea the 6 weeks of tearful dropoffs with DC2 were coming. But with DC2 it was definitely '5 minutes later he was fine' (I watched him through the window a few times).

3.5 days isn't all that part time, I don't think it'll make an enormous difference. Sounds like your DD was probably just tired and maybe feeling the tail end of hand foot and mouth (which can take quite a long time to go). Hang in there, it's still very very early days!

Thanks, good to know it's not just us. Agree 3.5 days is not that bad - I think the more disruptive part is the half day as she won't know whether to expect us at lunchtime or end of the day. If we're still struggling in a few weeks we might look at scraping together some more leave to just drop the half day. But just rang for an update and, unlike last Thurs, she did actually settle after 10 mins and has been joining in with activities etc so hopefully progress is being made!

Could you try a childminder or a smaller nursery setting?

I would look for a childminder.

Thanks all. Did a lot of childminder visits a while back, couldn't find anyone decent with space near us. But the good news is, she is settling in. Still some tears some days (but not all) at drop-off but doesn't last and it sounds like she's having good days. Still not thrilled to go like she was with the old one but it's still only been a few weeks and it feels like we're on the right path so fingers crossed this place will be ok

Glad she’s finally settling in

it does take a few weeks sometimes months