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Original poster

Grandparents and routine

36 replies

No1toerag · 23/07/2022 14:46

Looking for a way through this.... we're looking after 15 month granddaughter 1.5 days /week, and have strict nap instructions which include waking her up before she's ready to wake up, and keeping her awake so she's ready for her afternoon nap. Not allowing her to sleep late in the afternoon I fully understand, but she hasn't read the memo and sometimes doesn't drop off at the prescribed times! This is causing some angst from her parents if she then doesn't go to bed at exactly the right time, so just wanted to gather some advice please?

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Sirzy · 23/07/2022 14:49

I would tell the parents you are happy to provide childcare but your not willing or able to follow such a restrictive schedule. They can then decide if they relax things or use other childcare (who also won’t necessarily follow a strict schedule)

Mrsjayy · 23/07/2022 14:51

I mean if you are trying your best to follow the routine then what else are you supposed to do, personally I'd not let on the baby slept at the wrong time, if they don't think you are doing it correctly they are welcome to find alternative childcare.

N4ish · 23/07/2022 14:51

I would say I couldn’t provide childcare under those circumstances. They should pay for a nanny if they insist on having such a rigid schedule imposed.

CantaloupeMelon · 23/07/2022 14:53

I would say you'll do your best to follow the schedule but sometimes it doesn't work out as planned. And that if they're not happy with that they need to look for alternative childcare.

quietnightmare · 23/07/2022 14:57

As everyone has said do you best. My sister was like this with my mum and my mum would get awfully upset over my sister having a go at her as she couldn't always guarantee her granddaughter would drop off at the correct time especially at my mothers house rather than my nieces house. Now my mother helps me with childcare and I'm so grateful for her help that she just tells me honestly what times my child has slept and I adapt the evening bedtime etc and thank her because any help shouldn't be taken for granted

RedToothBrush · 23/07/2022 14:59

"If you want a nutso schedule hire someone to do the care. Otherwise just let me get on with it within reason. Its excessive and I can't wait until you have your second child... "

DontPassMeBy · 23/07/2022 15:00

I agree with the "do your best" approach. If you are watching the child, you need to follow the parents' decisions. If you're unwilling to do that, then maybe your offer of childcare needs to come to an end.

Mrsjayy · 23/07/2022 15:07

Sometimes babies just fall asleep its not always as simple as following the scheduled nap.

BertieBotts · 23/07/2022 15:40

Have you asked them how they get her to sleep at the right times or what they do if she doesn't?

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 23/07/2022 15:48

15 months she won't be far off dropping the afternoon nap

Mrsjayy · 23/07/2022 15:52

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 23/07/2022 15:48

15 months she won't be far off dropping the afternoon nap

I wonder if her parents know this 😁

PurBal · 23/07/2022 15:54

Sirzy · 23/07/2022 14:49

I would tell the parents you are happy to provide childcare but your not willing or able to follow such a restrictive schedule. They can then decide if they relax things or use other childcare (who also won’t necessarily follow a strict schedule)

This

WimpoleHat · 23/07/2022 15:58

Tell them to hire a nanny if they want to be able to issue instructions…:

Margo34 · 23/07/2022 16:02

Are they still on 2 naps? Definitely need to drop down to one - that'll help at bedtime!

SaintHelena · 23/07/2022 16:04

The point is to make it probable she will go to bed st night time and have an afternoon sleep when with her DP. If you let her lie she won't do this.
I'm sure you can tell if she's exhausted and needs a bit extra or it's getting on and near her next sleep time.
I

custardbear · 23/07/2022 16:08

God I hated those strict routines type of parent. Mine did all those routines but when ready to - much easier and less stress

ZenNudist · 23/07/2022 16:08

If they are complaining at you I'd ask them to make alternative arrangements.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 23/07/2022 16:15

Do you know why they want such a strict routine?

I had a strict routine because I had a child who did not sleep. Full stop. At all.

so for me routine was literally my lifeline because it meant that if sleep was minimal in the day (would only sleep for about 40 minutes anyway) the 3 or 4 hours sleep my child had at night meant that at work the next day, with coffee I could cope.
If routine was changed then it meant that I would need to survive on maybe 2 hours sleep, the rest was broken sleep of 20 minutes here and there then up at 4am for the day.
It was routine to survive and out of utter utter desperation.
They wouldn’t need to deal with the consequences of letting them have another 30 minutes nap in the day.

Might help if you understood the reasoning behind it.

gogohmm · 23/07/2022 16:20

I would be fair but firm with the parents - that you love looking after your grandchild but will only continue after September if they give you the freedom to set your own schedule with them and make everyday decisions whilst they are in your care. If they are not happy you completely understand if they would rather use a nursery

JenniferBarkley · 23/07/2022 16:21

I think you need to trust the parents a bit. I had one that was very flexible and one that very much wasn't.

Ask what they want you to do to get her over and what helps at home when it's a tricky day. Are you doing the same as them in terms of darkness, rocking, white noise etc?

The baby may well be ready to drop a nap but it sounds like relations might be a bit fraught with respect to sleep so I wouldn't be the one to suggest it. Grin

I know the common view on MN is that if a grandparent is providing free childcare they can do as they wish, but I don't fully agree and I think anyone doing childcare with a baby needs to at least try with things like routines. Remember, you're not the one who'll pay with terrible overnight sleep!

gingergiraffe · 23/07/2022 23:23

My 22 month gd has just one nap a day with us now. It is usually for about 1.5 hours and I can usually get her to sleep if I take her for a walk in her buggy. The thing is, she loves being with us and it seems she doesn’t want to waste precious time sleeping! I appreciate that a late, long nap would mean she would be late going to bed so sometimes, as a last resort I pop her in her in her car seat and take her for a quick trip around the block. It usually works quite quickly. If she doesn’t have a nap she could very well fall asleep on her way home or may be too tired to eat her tea. I have also gently roused her once she has had a decent nap by playing some gentle music she recognises so she comes around gently without being grouchy.

Depending on what dgd did the previous day, what time she went to bed and got up, she varies as to how tired she is and when she needs a nap. Also, if she has a cold she gets tired more quickly. Just like us all. The parents need to be more realistic but they probably won’t realise this until later on and certainly won’t like it pointed out to them! It’s a difficult one.

Fortunately, my dgc’s parents are not critical and realise we are doing our best to please everyone but not to the detriment of dgd. OP I do think your dgc’s parents are being very unreasonable. They are lucky to have your care and should appreciate that you are doing your best. It’s all very well issuing strict instructions but I bet they don’t find it easy to stick to the same rules. As others have said, ask them how they enforce their rules at home. Maybe gently suggest that if they feel you are not complying with their strict rules perhaps dgc would be better off at a nursery or with a childminder. Coupled with telling them how much you enjoy having dgc of course. The thought of paying for childcare as supposed to being with loving, caring and trustworthy grandparents may focus their minds a little!

Original poster
No1toerag · 24/07/2022 16:51

Thank you for all your constructive and reassuring comments; I did ask how they scheduled her naps and they arrange their days around her naps, ie can't go out in car after a certain time in case dgc falls asleep at the wrong time....to be fair, they reckon such a strict schedule ensures a reasonable night for all concerned, so I do understand, and we're perfectly responsible in terms of not letting her sleep late in the afternoon.
So much as we'd like to take dgc to the beach for example, we can't risk her falling asleep on the way home, likewise taking our dogs for a walk, if it's raining we'd rather wait until the weather clears but again, risk dgc falling asleep in buggy.
When I receive the inevitable text ....' what time exactly did she nap today ' ....I know dgc hasn't nailed her schedule and we'll face the blame.
Every other aspect of our care for dgc is not prescriptive , just these bloody naps!
Thanks for letting me vent!

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 24/07/2022 16:55

No1toerag · 24/07/2022 16:51

Thank you for all your constructive and reassuring comments; I did ask how they scheduled her naps and they arrange their days around her naps, ie can't go out in car after a certain time in case dgc falls asleep at the wrong time....to be fair, they reckon such a strict schedule ensures a reasonable night for all concerned, so I do understand, and we're perfectly responsible in terms of not letting her sleep late in the afternoon.
So much as we'd like to take dgc to the beach for example, we can't risk her falling asleep on the way home, likewise taking our dogs for a walk, if it's raining we'd rather wait until the weather clears but again, risk dgc falling asleep in buggy.
When I receive the inevitable text ....' what time exactly did she nap today ' ....I know dgc hasn't nailed her schedule and we'll face the blame.
Every other aspect of our care for dgc is not prescriptive , just these bloody naps!
Thanks for letting me vent!

I’d tell them she napped at the permitted time —and to unclench—

But if they carry on they can find paid childcare as you are doing them a big favour

LittleBearPad · 24/07/2022 16:56

Sorry didn’t mean to quote!

JenniferBarkley · 24/07/2022 17:32

No1toerag · 24/07/2022 16:51

Thank you for all your constructive and reassuring comments; I did ask how they scheduled her naps and they arrange their days around her naps, ie can't go out in car after a certain time in case dgc falls asleep at the wrong time....to be fair, they reckon such a strict schedule ensures a reasonable night for all concerned, so I do understand, and we're perfectly responsible in terms of not letting her sleep late in the afternoon.
So much as we'd like to take dgc to the beach for example, we can't risk her falling asleep on the way home, likewise taking our dogs for a walk, if it's raining we'd rather wait until the weather clears but again, risk dgc falling asleep in buggy.
When I receive the inevitable text ....' what time exactly did she nap today ' ....I know dgc hasn't nailed her schedule and we'll face the blame.
Every other aspect of our care for dgc is not prescriptive , just these bloody naps!
Thanks for letting me vent!

It's very normal to arrange days around naps, lots of parents of small children do so. Not everyone does, but not every child is flexible.

Working with small children is so bloody relentless, I can understand their frustration if every week they have a challenging evening or disrupted sleep after dgc has been at yours. It's just one day a week, is it such a big deal to run that day around the nap. There's even two of you so one can take dgc and one walk the dogs etc.