How hard is it once they're at school?

[lamby12]

I've posted on AIBU the wider indecisiveness over whether or not to move closer to my parents, but one of the main things that feeds into the decision is childcare.

People keep saying that things gets easier as they get older and once they're at school we won't feel the benefit of being close to parents so we may as well just stay put. I'm not so sure, I feel like 7am-6pm nursery is surely easier than working round school hours (DC aren't actually there that long but that's the opening hours..!)

In a nutshell, trying to decide whether to move. Houses near my parents are more expensive, so less house for more money. But they are really keen to help with childcare more and we have no support here. At current they are 1.5hrs away but I drive there at least once a week, or my mum comes here. She picks up all emergencies despite the distance. I'm keen to move because I feel isolated and struggle with no childcare support nearby, but some saying just stick it out til school kicks in. The main reason to stay put is financial.

Is it easier then??

We have found it harder.
Our primary school don’t do before and after school clubs. So one of us has to go to work late, or come home early.

I’m self employed so can be flexible. But I’m not sure how many employed people manage it.

Just to say OP of you're thinking of moving at all do it now. It's so much easier to make friends / establish a network as a new parent to schòol - PTA, class nights out etc

I find it much much harder than when dc was a baby. I have given up the prospect of ever working ft until school holidays aren't such an issue. If you don't have your parents around to help I strongly suggest moving to a school with wrap around care.

Our first school didn't do it was 8:45-3:15. I rang every childminder in the area and none would take mine for after school unless I pad for full time care as they were so full. I had to go part time at work in the end as it was all impossible to manage. I eventually moved dd to a school that was better for after school care but dc hates staying after school as they're tired.

I agree that school is in many ways more challenging than private nursery. I have worked FT with both my kids. I say go for it, move. Grandparental help - even if not guaranteed - would be a huge help if you want to work ft.

Even so I recommend to research the local catchment schools where you want to move to.

Primaries vary a LOT - ours wouldn’t allow children do both Breakfast and After school club in Reception, as HT said it was “too much”. An 8.40am drop off is a nightmare if you work a normal job, and you live a mile from the school and your dc wants to scooter every day like their friends!

ASC was amazing - expensive but flexible (you only had to give 24 hours notice if you weren’t coming, and you then got your money back). But I’m not sure they are all that good.

HOWEVER there is a wait list at some schools for a FT place at ASC and I can tell you, we had a very anxious wait to find out if we got a place (thankfully we did).

primary schools are a mixed bunch - so visit or talk to the school by phone to get an idea of culture. Some send home projects every week, provide almost no notice of activities such as class assemblies or bakes sales. Others are more pragmatic and plan and inform well, and consider homework should just be reading, spelling and times tables.

also don’t forget the infamous “settling in” which comes as a shock - our local Receptions - my dd was going 8.40am until lunchtime for two weeks! The start of term was staggered too, with half the kids starting a week later than the rest to allow them to flow into the school routine more easily. Utter madness as we weren’t informed until July and by then, summer hols all planned and VERY hard to get time off work.

Then there are the inset days when holiday clubs don’t operate. And the sick days when you have to dash in and collect your child for some illness or other. And the weeks the school randomly closes because the staff all have Covid again.

By age 10 (some time in year 5 and definitely by start of y6) kids travel to and from school on their own in my area. This does make things easier; especially if you can WFH. We stopped ASC and my dd just phoned me to tell me if she was going to a friend’s house after school, otherwise she would just walk home and let herself in and grab herself a snack while I was wfh.

Holidays at first seem impossible. Your looking at about £30 to £45 a day. Cheaper if you don’t do “extended hours” (the shorter hours are usually around 8.30am to 4pm). Be brave and make friends with other working mums at the school - sharing lifts to different holiday clubs across a week, can help the logistics. By year 3 we had a WhatsApp with a group of us coordinating diaries vs the kids’ interests. Holiday clubs where I live are fabulous - everything under the sun - cheap football camps; Local Authority clubs that teach swimming and sports; (expensive) theatre groups that produce a show in two weeks leading up to a live performance; science and coding clubs; regular summer play clubs where you can choose from a vast range of activities (the good ones incredibly good fun); bushcraft skills; wall climbing; dry slope ski or ice skating… the list is endless. Some of them even offer residential/camping overnight. This summer my dd has chosen to focus on a club that teaches kayaking and stand up paddle boarding. It’s one of the reasons I work - to provide these amazing opportunities.

But outside summer and Easter it is harder. My dd’s ASC ran a cheap holiday scheme for the first week of the Christmas holiday. It can be very helpful to get grandparents to help at least a few days in the holidays, on inset days/the spare in the last week of summer term when you have a gap before summer camp starts.

So it is very, very different from nursery but in my estimation by year 3 or 4 you’ll be finding it a lot easier to cope with the planning, juggling, and stress of it all.

A very well-organised family planner is indispensable!

I also would say move, for two reasons.

Firstly definitely harder, especially with all the school plays, trips, reading time, show round the classroom, your parents could go to some of these. Plus even as older child having grandparents near really helps.

Second, they are not getting younger, if they start to need help you will be grateful you live close as you'd still do all you could to help but with a long commute

It’s not just the cost. It’s the effect on your child. I’m sure there will be a handful of people who will come along and tell me I’m talking rubbish but wraparound care for reception age kids (and for some older kids) is exhausting. It’s nothing like just being at nursery for a long day. At school children spend all day concentrating and monitoring their behavior so it’s far, far more tiring than nursery. The expectations on a school age child are just different. At our two-form-entry primary school there are no reception kids in breakfast club and only about 3 in after school club. In my experience it’s considered quite unusual to use the school wraparound care for very young kids. If you can’t alter your working ours then it would be better to consider a child minder or nanny, at least for reception.

As others have said, there are also a lot of school holidays to cover, something you don’t have to worry about with a nursery. I think it amounts to 13 weeks in total for state school. Look at the cost of holiday childcare and factor that in too (and, again, the impact on your child who probably will just want to have a break at home).

We love a long way from our parents and over the years have spent a small fortune on childcare as a result.

another thing to consider, do your parents want to provide all wraparound and holiday childcare? Or will you end up moving to a more expensive area and still having to pay for childcare on top? It’s a huge responsibility and time commitment for retired people.

Thanks everyone. Yes I currently feel guilty when they are at nursery 'end to end' of a very long day because I'm doing fewer, longer days so that it's all more affordable. I'd imagine the long wrap around days can give the same guilt trip!

The cost of that and the cost of holiday care for the primary years certainly means it's not 'over' once nursery stops, I hadn't really got my head round it all!

I think overall the move will be worth it. My parents want to do the childcare. I don't expect them to do every school pick up or every school holiday but even a third of this sort of stuff would be amazing, and my flexible job can probably support a lot of the rest and just use wrap around and holiday clubs a small amount.

Yes I've already been thinking about looking after them. I've seen a few relatives and friends looking after parents a distance away and it's very difficult for all involved.

I moved on that promise. Sold a beautiful forever home and moved to an expensive part of the country - on the basis of support. Good job we love the area - but I left my friends and network, work etc and we haven’t spoken to them in over a year and I doubt we ever will.

have you thought what happens if she gets Ill that can happen at any age but more likely if they are older.

I don’t regret my move now and counselling has taught me they were abusive. But if your parents move, Get ill or fall out - is it a decent place to live

We had a nanny for our school age kids. We needed someone before 7.45AM and for after school activities. However, a few months in the ķids and her were not getting along. She kept saying they were misbehaving and they were denying it. In the end, she left as felt partner and I did not trust her. It's worked out really well however as although it's a bit of a rush, we have switched to before and after school clubs which they enjoy and they will go to the playscheme and I will take a week off during summer.
We are not near family but wish we were as obviously cheaper. I would move closer to them if I were you.

Nursery is a piece of cake compared to school, I'm finding.

Our nursery opens 7.30am-6.30pm. Although the DC weren't there for all of those hours, it was very convenient to be able to drop them off early, and still be in work by 9am on my commuting days (full-time in office before Covid, now 3 days per week).

At one stage, we had 2 in that nursery, costing £2.5k per month, every month for almost 2 years. The peace of mind and simple logistics were invaluable.

Now, I'm no longer with my DP (and father of the DC). DC1 is coming up to the end of first year of reception. I'd never even heard of breakfast club and after school club before they joined school, so as a result, I couldn't get a place there for DC1 until January. A combination of working from home, and my parents tag teaming me got us through the first full term. It costs roughly £300 a month, (£6 for breakfast club, £12 for after school club), though is a huge saving on nursery fees. Luckily DC1 loves it, as there are quite a few reception DC in there, particularly friends, so they're happy.

In September, DC2 is starting at a school for DC with moderate additional needs, as has an autism diagnosis. Hours will be 8.45am-3pm, with no breakfast club or after school club. DC2 can be picked up from home and dropped back again afterwards by the school minibus, which still requires an adult to see them off and welcome them back in. Plus DC1 still has their schedule.

During the holidays, I've had to put together a schedule for activities. DC1 is in various camps across 3.5 weeks, costing approximately £1k, and I've had to book specific ones to make sure they cover the work day. Again lots of DC from their school are going to the same camps, but unlike school it'll just be lots of playing and fun times. DC2 finishes at nursery/pre-school in mid-August, however once they have joined school in September, come the first half term there will be no holiday clubs available to them, due to their needs (would require 1-1 in a mainstream environment).m, so I need to line up new childcare.

My choices now are either I quit working, but seeing as I'll soon have a massive mortgage to service, the alternative is to buy-in help, so I'm about to start looking for a nanny-housekeeper, which I expect will cost me about £26k a year all in.

Although my parents have really supported me through a terrible time, it's time to dial that down, and I want them to move to doing occasional, rather than regular childcare, and it would be too much to ask them to commit to DC2's schedule, particularly as they're now late 60's/early 70's.

I'd definitely move nearer to parents if I was you. If it hadn't been for my parents in my situation, I'd have had to give up work, and wouldn't be in a position to purchase the house I'm currently in the process of buying for me and my DC to live in.

My kids love wraparound care. Wish we had done that instead of getting a nanny to be honest. The only thing we wish is that it would open earlier (Before school) so we are not rushing and that the after school club gave us the option of only paying up until 5PM and not for the full session.
Ours is brilliant and kids adore going.