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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Grandparent Babysitting Query

45 replies

OurLittleFamily · 03/07/2022 20:10

Hi all, I'm just wondering if its possible to ask for some peoples views in regards to a grandparent babysitting for us,

we have 2 very well behaved young children and we very very rarely ask for any assistance from our parents for babysitting (2 or 3 times a year at the most and i cannot count more than 10 times in the 5 years they have been on the planet) mainly due to not being asked (from there part) and there is some distance involved (around an hour drive) and also not wanting to put them out,

We have a wedding coming up for a close family friend and have asked a grandparent if it would be possible to watch the boys for the day so we can attend (as the wedding is adult only) to which the reply has been yes for £20 a day,

We would never expect any of our parents to be out of pocket looking after our children we would always offer to cover all costs (petrol, food anything that would be incurred) but this response has left us quite hurt that bearing in mind we ask so little that our children are thought of as more of a transaction than who they actually are to them, (grandchildren)

We don't question that they don't love our children but it just feels wrong to me, and should feel more of an honour then a chore.

Are we wrong? or does anyone else agree with how we feel? I completely understand if this was a weekly basis but its 2-3 times a year at the very very most, (for 1 day or night)

The money is not really the issue we are happy to pay but it just feels wrong to me.

Thank you,

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easyday · 03/07/2022 21:36

I cannot imagine my parents ever considering asking for money, as for my in laws, I could never imagine them ever looking after my kids full stop.
A weekly thing is different, the very odd occasion you mention make it seem petty and mean.
It would make me want to use a childminder locally too.

MeridianGrey · 03/07/2022 21:46

This is very odd, do you see much off them or are these 2 or 3 times per year the only contact they have with their grandchildren?

EthicalNonMahogany · 03/07/2022 21:49

I'd write
Dear Mum,
I debated whether to send this, but I felt so hurt and puzzled by your message I wanted to tell you how I feel. The idea that you would charge us to spend some time, as a one off, with your own grandchildren was so surprising and weird that I need to ask you what's behind that? £20 obviously doesn't cover childcare for the day and you're not proposing to set up as child minders- we wouldn't be DBS checking you or anything! So I can only conclude you're trying to make a point. Are you trying to convey that we shouldn't ask you for favours? As you know, we don't often ask and we have never before/ only x times asked you. You are free to say no if it isn't convenient. I am very offended at you trying to school me that you think asking isn't appropriate, and especially in this passive aggressive way rather than telling me how you feel. I am also hurt that you don't love the grandchilden enough to be happy to have the odd opportunity to spend time with them. But the most hurtful part, to be honest, is that I was under the impression that our family was a warm and loving one where the odd favour might be asked for and granted with love and not treated as a transaction. If, for example, you asked us for a hand - I don't know, moving heavy furniture or bringing you something if you were unexpectedly unwell - I would not dream of replying "Sure that will be twenty quid".

I will find babysitter for the occasion and you are of course welcome to visit us and see us and the children whenever you want..
Love, Daughter.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 03/07/2022 21:49

Find a babysitter.. Pay them instead. Never be beholding to begrudging people..
I used to have dgs 2 nights a week. He came in the clothes he was wearing..
I bet finding a babysitter for 2 well behaved dc will be easy. And your dc will be more appreciated by the sitter than by the frankly diabolical sounding ils.

Charlie14 · 03/07/2022 21:54

Very very odd
... but maybe I'm just lucky. My mum and dad spend money on my son...they would never ask for a penny to have him. I'm also a nanny so get paid to look after people's children...why would grandparents ask for that. Tbh I'd find someone else to look after them or wouldn't go.

ittakes2 · 03/07/2022 21:57

very strange but to be honest its likely to be cheaper than hiring someone and the kids know them so I guess just say yes
maybe it was a joke?

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 03/07/2022 22:01

Don't foist your dc off on those who really aren't interested in a decent relationship with any of you....

converseandjeans · 03/07/2022 22:11

I would be upset by this. I don't think I would take the children over tbh.

Do they have other grandchildren?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 03/07/2022 22:14

Go the sitters.com website and pay someone to baby sit. It will be more than £20 but they will be enthusiastic and professional. I used them for our younger daughter (no fit grandparents) and it was a gamechanger.
God knows what your parents/,inlaws game is but I wouldn't bother to find out.

MotherCrab · 03/07/2022 22:18

I'd be very upset by this.

Would see this as an opportunity to assess the relationship between your parents and your children and certainly never ask them again.

Doggydarling · 03/07/2022 22:20

I'm stunned tbh. I'm not a grandparent (hopefully some day) but I do have nieces and a nephew who live 100 miles from me and their parents know a text message is all that is needed for me to get in the car and drive to mind them for whatever length of time required, no money will ever change hands and I regard it as a honour and privilege that I'm trusted to do so. For quite a while I got a train to their county, minded the children three days a week, stayed nearby with my parents and then got the train back so their parents could both work, during covid school closures I looked after them and did home schooling, they are family, I love them as much as my own ds and the thought of that message from your mother is actually making me tear up a bit. I hope you find a nice trustworthy babysitter to use instead because grandparents a few years younger than retirement with no financial/disability difficulties sending that text is really making sure you get the message that they are not interested in your lovely children. I wish there was a way for those of us who really enjoy childrens company and are willing and capable of minding them could help out parents who would appreciate it, I've more free time than I need and would be delighted to feel useful.

Puglover287 · 03/07/2022 22:22

Send your lovely DCs to a babysitter locally instead. Take them where they’re celebrated, not tolerated.

TeddyTonks · 03/07/2022 22:23

It's definitely odd, particularly given you've said they're not struggling for money. I'd take it as 'hint' that they don't want to do it, and find someone else.

AskforJanice · 03/07/2022 22:36

Honestly I think their attitude is horrible and bizarre. I don’t blame you for being hurt. I would find a local babysitter if I was you,

saraclara · 03/07/2022 22:38

Please don't send your kids to be looked after by GPs who clearly don't want them. They will know.

I do occasional childcare for my toddler DGD and yes, it can be exhausting (and I don't have a partner so it's all down to me to entertain and manage her) but it's also a huge pleasure. I cannot, for the life of me, fathom TWO GPs thinking they are within their rights to ask to be paid to do it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/07/2022 09:52

Seems very weird that they don’t see the gc much

im not saying daily or weekly but maybe even once a month

though an hours drive is nothing q

even weirder about £20

think you have to say something

and I would prob use a nanny for the day. Paid

Classicblunder · 07/07/2022 08:25

How often do you see them otherwise? It might feel a bit like you only get in touch when you want a favour.

I think it would also annoy me that you're asking for a favour but think they should be grateful to be asked.

That said, it's very weird - as a PP said, almost most weird because the amount is so token

theremustonlybeone · 07/07/2022 08:29

It all sounds transactional- you don’t see them often and when they drive to you - your paying their petrol costs. Why? Do they really expect you to pay for that?

Classicblunder · 07/07/2022 08:40

Two other thoughts:

It is very possible to enjoy seeing your grandchildren but not want to babysit - they are quite different. Both my parents and PIL make it clear that they have no interest in being in sole charge of them but they love spending time with them.

Your children are pretty young - sounds like under 5? - even the best behaved children of that age group are hard work, it sounds like you're underestimating that.

I would consider calling your parents and just saying "I get the sense you don't want to babysit any more and would rather just spend time with the kids, is that right?"

paisley256 · 07/07/2022 08:53

I'd think they didn't really want to do it and I wouldn't drop them round.

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