How do you deal with answering back?

[Gingerbreadmum2]

Hmmm not sure how to handle this one. I have a fantastic au pair. Really she’s wonderful with the children and they love her. However she’s got into a strange habit of answering me back when I ask her to do something with the children.

for example, she’ll be changing the baby after his nap but in the dark, so I’ll ask her to please open the curtain. She’ll reply “I’ll do it in a bit he’s just woken up”.

or I’ll ask her to give my son juice and she’ll say “sure I’ll give him water”. (He had a cold and I was trying to get him to drink more!).

or another time dh left the lid off the Sudocreme pot (he had 2 kids by himself so just glad a nappy got changed!) and she told him that perhaps he should remember to put it back on.

these are such trivial things but similar things happen every day and it’s a little irksome.

I don’t want to confront her about it or ‘punish’, just looking for tips on how you would handle the situations when she answers back…or tells us off or blatantly ignores something I’ve asked her to do.

I'd just ask her if she realises she's doing it and see what she says.

I think you've got to be careful not to micromanage things too much.

I mean, is she saying it rudely or being in any way disrespectful? Those comments in themselves wouldn't bother me, but of course I don't know what tone she's using.

Just tell her. "I've noticed that when I've asked you to... you've responded by saying ... could you please... in the future".

Don't make it complicated. Straight to the point and direct. It isn't your job to manage her emotional response to it. I suspect she doesn't even notice. If she has the kids more than you do, it may be that she feels that her role is to bring them up and thus her way goes. Which isn't uncommon.

That said, your choice of words is interesting. "Answer back" is a rather unusual way of describing another adult responding to you...like she is beneath you or a child. I suspect she may be pushing back on this, even if its not conscious. If any adult said that I was "answering back" (or giving me an unspoken impression that's what they thought of my part in a relationship) it wouldn't be long before they got a good telling off!

Good luck!

Is there a language barrier ?

@DropYourSword

Yes!
I find that micromanagement is a one way ticket to people quitting their jobs.
Either you are explicit in that you tell her every aspect of the job or you allow her to actually do the job effectively (not necessarily your way).

If she is conversing in a non native language, she may not realise that you are issuing instructions rather than having a normal me then you type convo?

Curious that you should couch this as 'answering back' as that is infantilising, isn't it. Have a think about this when you get a mo.

Doesn't sound like answering back to me? If I was your au pair and you raised it I'd think you were micro managing and throwing your weight around to be honest. Depends how much you want to keep her really doesn't it?

Is it a cultural thing? A friend of mine who is half German but raised in UK moved to Germany and got really upset by how her flatmates treated her until she realised they were just being normal. It sounded abrupt to her English ears and we sound fawning and insincerely polite and apologetic to lots of countries. Maybe she comes from a country where people just say what they mean and aren't instantly compliant.

I don't really see the problem here.

yes you’re right I’m not sure why that’s the term that comes to mind. Perhaps ‘argue’ was better - although it’s not aggressive!

It just seems that most requests are met with a ‘no’ and an excuse as to why it’s a no. Back in my days of being an au pair myself I accepted that a parent may ask me to do things slightly different to how I may think was right and I would never argue with a direct request.

for the person who asked - I am the primary carer (she’s with the kids 1-3 hours per day depending on the day) and the youngest is a baby, so there needs to be a little micro managing as his routine and needs are constantly changing.

however I will take the point and try to micro manage a little less! She’s a clever girl and definitely would like to get on with things herself. And I don’t want to lose her!

I think it's great you're realising there's some micro managing.

I honestly don't think the curtain one was really an issue - if she was changing baby she'd have to do it afterwards and if you were standing there why couldn't you do it yourself?

Again with drink. Either tell her each drink needs to be juice currently because ...... or if you're there why not make it?

I'm unsure of what the dynamic is with your au pair? Is she there to help you alongside or take sole charge for a few hours whilst you're in the house? Because each senario will need a different approach and style of interaction (from you both) and a distinct understanding or your roles.

Perhaps it's worthwhile having a "meeting" for both sides to talk about how it's going and set some ground rules. You can frame it as a check she's settling in meeting.

It's probably easier solved than you think.

The curtain one, it sounds like YABU - was she supposed to stop in the middle of changing your baby, to open a curtain?

The Sudocrem one - I would consider that rude, and it would be rude in Germany or anywhere else to tell your employer off for a minor mistake like that. The juice one would rub me up the wrong way as well. There's implied criticism there, it sounds a bit supercilious. I wouldn't expect that from anyone caring for my child, tbh - and I would get rid of anyone I felt was looking down on me and my personal standards, or judging me for giving juice instead of water etc.

I agree with the pp who said have a polite but blunt conversation with her - "I've noticed that when I ask you to do something, you tend to respond with X - I'd prefer you to do Y, please."

OP: i agree with you. This would do my head in. In the examples you gave she no. 1) agreed to do it in "a bit" and telling what she thinks is best for your child (opposite to you), no. 2) refused to do what you asked and decided to give him something different - i've got really pissed off - and no. 3) told your husband off (although that was probably the only acceptable one, but reveals the dynamic).

What happened on mn to "your baby, your rules"? tongue in cheek!

Maybe you are micro-managing and she is passive aggressively trying to assert herself. Although from what she said to your husband, it doesn't sound like she difficulties asserting herself.

But honestly, I'd re-think about keeping her on. You need to be able to ask her things without feeling uncomfortable. Also if you want your child to have something - she should bloody do it! (Imagine if a mil had done that - 90% of mn would have told you to go nc!)

You say she replies or says similar things everyday. Either you are nagging her too much, or she is a bossy know-it-all or a mixture of both.

She is supposed to be part of the family and be an employee at the same time. The dynamic needs to work for both sides.

"That said, your choice of words is interesting. "Answer back" is a rather unusual way of describing another adult responding to you...like she is beneath you or a child."

Yes; you also said "punish", though you put it in quotes, so I expect you didn't mean it in that way.
Are you seeing the au pair as a child to be guided and disciplined? She might reasonably find that irksome!

I think it's surprising that you have so much lower expectations of their Dad - looking after 2 and managed to change a nappy!

I'm sure you expect that of the au pair and yourself and for the lid to go back in the cream.

I was thinking the same thing.

I imagine she is feeling micromanaged. However, she should be having a limited amount of child care responsibilities as an au pair