Live in nannies

[HarrietTheSpy]

Okay, DH has come round to the idea of trying this out (just after I have posted the Gumtree ad for live-out, natch) for the few months we need a nanny before new DC arrives in June. For those of you who have/have had them, would be grateful for feedback on the following areas:

1. How bad do you reckon it would be if we all shared a single bathroom?
2. My concern is what if doesn't work out - you're making someone homeless as well as out of a job. Thoughts? I know there is no easy answer to this but how MUCH harder is it going to be to sack under these circumstances? Sorry to be looking on the bleak side, but I need views on this. 3)Visitors - it's quite obvious we wouldn't have the space to have any stay over guests and I could manage this situation quite easily. But what about friends round at hte weekend etc. Can you really say that you ALWAYS have to see friends outside the home or do people generally allow a bit of this?
3. The Untidy. It's not that we're overly fastidious but we absolutely can't have anyone whose going to make the situation even worse. How have people handled this?
4. Those of you who have live-in: why do you do it and if it's out of necessity for whatever reason, if it WERE possible to have live-out would you prefer than option?

I'm sure there are more aspects to this, the good the bad and the ugly of living in. Any thoughts on all or some of these areas would be appreciated.

X Harriet

1- not ideal. Think you'll need pretty strict schedule oof who gets it when in the morning rush. And who can keep what where.

2- It definitely trickier to let go someone wh olives in your house. I did it once, and I told her to be gone by noon and I stayed home to supervise. She left on very unpleasant terms. She had already resigned, but was threatening to just pack up and go so I said right do it today. This is the worst thing about a live-in.

3- Generally allow friends to come over. It is her home too. It's not her house to anything she wants in it. But, it is her home and you'll need to make her welcome.

4- Ha ha ha ha... you get what you get. I suggest you hire someone with previous live in experience and ask her previous employers a lot of questions about tidiness.

5- Prefer the live-in actually. If I am always coming when she is going and going when she is coming, I would never get the opportunity to get to know the person who looks after my kids. So I like the Sunday afternoon chats. Ond once in a while we have a "Brothers and Sisters" curry night in -- next one on Thursday. Also, my job starts at 6:30 am and that's very early for a live-out.

Thanks for your comments. Another I can't believe I forgot to ask: How much cheaper is a live in nanny?

Thanks

As a live-in, can I help? give a diff pov?

1.long as you make sure this is known, shouldnt be a prob. although I have taken a job with seperate bathroom than another offer with shared.

2.is a worry for the nanny too! found myself unemployed and homeless before christmas, no fault of my own, nannies tend to be more understanding and want to comunicate more- I know I do!- to prevent sacking. But speaking for me, not all!

3.agree with eleusis, is her home too and you will have difficulties getting a good nanny if you ban visitors. I have come across this, been to interviews and told- you are not to be in the house (just room) outside work hours, or no one visits without being vetted-like bringing home a new bf, but letting a friend meet your boss! But do say eg- this is a small house, please no sleepovers etc!

4.as part of my job I tidy the house. On one occasion i left a saucepan to soak (to wash in morning) was severely told off! My room is my own eg if I want to store my clothes ont the floor, unless is a fire hazard I will! but of course is your house, so you can ask keep it tidy

5.Most people choose live-in for flexability, eg new family starts at 7.15am and other candidate, live-out, was too far away. you know transport isnt an issue, and asking for babysitting is easier. easier for me too, I can babysit now in my room with moniter, then just go bed when they get back. also pay is a facter- around £450ish for my job if live-out, i get £300 (plus electricity, water) I buy my own food.

Would recomend 2 seperate interviews, one with kiddies one without. let her meet your DH- always feel abit weird if I dont! If poss, have her stay overnight for one interview-I was able to do this as I live in Cornwall and travelling to london to interview. Also ask about her diet, as you are expected to feed her. work out how this will work eg she tells you a few staples you dont get to add to occado, or whatever.

Thanks MightyMoosh. Interesting about the sleepover interview as part of the process, I hadn't considered this. Is this something that happens a lot?

I was onece a nanny many years ago, and personally would only have been prepared to share a batheroom with the children, but not the parents.

Don't worry about making her/him homeless-honestly

I only ever had friends who were nannies around to the house, I think you can be quite fussy about this.

Insist on tidyness everywhere in the house, but ignor her own room. Completly.

Live in is great for babysitting - write a couple of night baby sitting into the contract.

I would never take a job where a cleaner wasn't employed.

Nanny here

1. I would, but as mightymoosh says prefer a job with own bathroom. Also be prepared for nanny to have an excuse to start work in PJs and shower while DCs are still in bed if you're going v early and need the bathroom.

1. It's a big worry for us, but it comes with the territory

1. Again agree that it's difficult if you can't invite friends back to your home. Would you accept guests sleeping on the floor in the nanny's room? What about boyfriends?

1. Keeping house tidy - that's a reasonable expectation but her room is her room. Prepares you for having teenages apparently.

1. Live in is good for early starts, and unscheduled late finishes. Although I don't recommend the latter too often, but it's better than the nanny who has to catch her train home. Babysittin is an advantage but don't take the mick - every night in a week isn't fun.

Food is a big issue, let the nanny have a cupboard that is HERS and you have one thats yours. Consider what happens when you go away on holiday and nanny stays behind - can she have guests over then? Also strict rules about who is in charge when nanny is "on duty" even if you're home and rules about not disturbing nanny in her "off" time even if she is around the house.

1. Might be an issue for both sides. You will need to be VERY firm in terms of early morning arrangements, especially if - like most of us I guess - your schedule requires you always to be 10 minutes late for everything (eg does she shower before you so is ready for kids or after you, so you have clear run at the bathroom/hot water?)

2. It is horrible, absolutely horrible, when it doesn't work out, and yes, this is an issue. Best way to deal is probably explain it isn't working out and agree a deadline for her to find another job. And then accept that although ethically you then have to stick to timetable, chances are she will up and leave you in the lurch as soon as she fidns something (but that is probably about right in terms of morals as she is losing her home after all).

Visitors will be a nightmare in your position. We've always let nanny have boyfriends stay once we have met them and ditto friends from a long way away, but I would be extremely reluctant to do this if I only had one bathroom and/or smallish house. Would suggest you meet in the middle - she can have friends over to visit and/or stay on x days each month (to be agreed monthly in advance), and you & DH will then need to retreat to your beds early on those dates, so she can have run of living room/kitchen if she wants. Tis her house so only fair. Also I suggest that at same time you set out similar number of dates when you expect her to make herself scarce. The rest of the time she should feel welcome in the house but not to the extent of having visitors, and you should similarly keep your personal visitors down.

4. Her room is her own and she should be able to do what she wants (and have her own lockable door). But house rules apply for rest of house.

5. Reasons for: flexibility, constant optimism that you might meet Mary Poppins eventually (whilst accepting that frog-kissing is the norm), hope that relationships will be longer than with a live-out, early starts and sleepover options, more flexibility in terms of some household chores (am happy to ask live-in to put clothes in/out of washing machine etc, but wouldn't dream of asking the live-out to do this). Oh, and likelihood of getting some evening meals as well (she will be eating too so likely to offer to cook sometimes). I had AP's and a live-in and now have a live-out. I think the main benefit of having a live-out is the freedom to chill out at the end of the day. You can be driven absolutely insane for example by something as simple as 'America's next top model' if you are forced to watch it often enough... Also I think that live-out relationships are conducted at a more 'professional' level which suits me more than the live in version. Also, I think (haven't really tested it) I would find it much easier to criticise a live-out than a live-in. That said, I work long hours and find the flexibility of a live-in counts for more than the benefits of a live-out, all other things being equal.

You guys have been brilliant. Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to look at this. Talking to an Aussie girl tonight who is a poss for live in.

Sorry, Squiff, have to disagree with the right to a lockable door. If you want to be treated as a member of the family, then the door need not be locked like we are strangers.

I do on the odd occassion go into nanny's room. Would never go through her closet or drawers or anything. But sometimes she goes out and leaves lights on, whch annoys me. So, I open the door wallk in and turn them off. And if there are also dirty dishes in her room, I pick them up on the way out.

'tis my house and I'll go in if I feel I need to. I would never snoop around, but hey, the waste of electricity is my money not hers.

eleusis I always feel a bit vialated when employers been in my room. if dishes are taken always feel it is a slight- although my employer rarely comes in my room, she does just knock then come in which is not good- have been changing clothes then feel rude to say no no im naked! or whatever. But locks are good- outside and in- if the children like to go in. fortunatly boys cant reach my door handle as too high, but they do come and knock and call me at odd times on day off and before work, so if they could open it Id ask for a lock.

And most nannies (that I know, at least) dont want to be members of the family- thats au pairs

Oh, God no. I would never just walk in if she was home. Kids are pretty well trained not to go in her room so that's not really an issue.

I might add no nanny has ever asked for a lock either.

And by the same token, there is no lock onmy bedroom door and if she wanted to say walk in and use the scale in my bathroom when I'm not home, that wouldn't bother me.

its good you dont- ive never asked for a lock (on bedroom anyway, did ask for one on bathroom and only took two months to get one!) employer seems fine with me going in her room when shes napping or whatever, i always feel hesitant!

When I got back from xmas all of my stuff had been moved around, even my bed, all my stuff was on the floor and i just feel horrible that someone went through it! happened before when i went on holiday, someone cleaned the windows but stood on my bed and pillow to do it big dirty footprints!

not all employers respect privacy, and most nannies who have done this before should be aware of that.

Congrats Jura. Should we start a lottery on how long this one stays???

Hey, are you going to take her back after she has the baby? Or are you getting a live-in when she pops?

Hi, I used to be a live-in nanny, partly out of necessity because they lived at the other side of the country but partly so I could experience my own independence and make a new life in a new place.

1. If you make sort of a timetable for the morning bathroom routine for each person and then say no one is allowed in from such and such a time each evening while DC have their bath, that usually works well.
2. I'm not sure if you can sack if it doesn't work out but it is worth doing a trial and writing this on the contract of say about 2 weeks so if either of you don't like, she can leave or you can dismiss her legally as long as it's on a contract signed by employer and nanny.

3)Visitors - If you don't want people in your house then say so at the interview. Or you could have a rule about nanny only having females round so she can take them up to her room while you are in peace and quiet with your family.

4. If she is untidy, tell her straight that she has to change. Better still, at interview make it perfectly clear that you expect a high level of cleanliness in your home and ask her if she would be able to adhere to that.

5. I really love living in. It helps me settle into the job alot quicker and I become close to the family. I also get to know what the family is like alot easier so if I get to know that the mum is a clean freak, I try my best to keep the house tidy for her return from work. I think it's a bit of give and take too. I spent up to about 8:30pm downstairs with the parents after the children had gone to bed and we would eat and watch tv and chat but then I would go up to my room to give them their own time. They made sure my room was well stocked with tv, drinks, the occasional magazines so I would enjoy my time up there.

If you choose the right nanny i'm sure it will be a fantastic experience for all of you!

and...with regards to a lock on bedroom door. The youmgest charge, just turned 2 at the time would constantly come in my room which pissed me off as I was only ever in my room on my days and evenings off. As much as I really loved the children, my own time childless was sacred and a bouncy, full of life 2 year old charging into ones room at 6am on nannies day off with no parents of child around to bother to stop it can cause otherwise calm and rational nanny to be rather bothered but to be honest a lock would've been too formal. I was like a part of the family and no one else had a lock on the door so why should I? And to be honest, after the inital 'arrrrggghh, why is he in here again', cuddling up in bed watching cartoons at 6am on a Sunday while the rest of the world was still asleep was priceless and they're among my fondest memories of living in with that particular family.